I Have a Plan - Part 2

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Okay so ex-boxers, ex-cops, and ex-beauty pagent contenders are running for public office. How about an ex-college-binge-drinker, who likes to read and write?

I am officially a candidate. Here's my platform:

1). I have a plan to reduce taxes and create jobs. See previous post.

2). I have a plan to run your car on pure water - yes water - salt water nonetheless so we don't run out of drinking water. You want to hear the plan? Vote for me.

3). I have solved the gay marriage problem. We'll just allow them to couple up as men-women have done for years and years - but we will just rename it - we'll call it garriage. As in, "I'm garried to Bill." We just invent a word - give them the same rights. Let one of them be the man and one of them be the woman - they can pick it on the form. Quick question - what do they say during the wedding anyway? I now pronounce you husband and husband?

4). Abortion? Want one? Take it to court - let a judge arrive at the conclusion:

Judge: Hi Sally, why do you want an abortion?
Sally: I was raped on my way to my car in the parking lot.
Judge: Granted (pay for your own rape kit at the door, right Sarah?)

Judge: Hi Sally, why do you want an abortion?
Sally: I got drunk and went home with the last guy at the bar.
Judge: Denied.

5). I have a plan to fix the economy. Print the salaries of everyone. We all know how much A-Rod makes, and how much Madonna makes (oops, did I put them two in the same sentence?). Do it for the elected officials and the top executives. When someone signs up to buy insurance or vote for someone - let them know that the 42 year old CEO has a golden parachute of $50 million. We'll boo the bastards off the face of the earth.

6). You want a gun? Buy a gun. There's no stopping you- it's a constitutional right, right? Just promise me you won't shoot someone with it. It's like the water pistols we bought the kids when they were young. Kathy would give three of them the pistols and say - "Now don't shoot each other, okay?" The kids would nod and smile. Ten minutes later they were all soaked and crying. Maybe we can make the gun buyers cross their hearts when they by the gun. Perhaps that would work.

7). Worship whatever the hell you want and we will not attack you for it. You don't believe in God - good - shut up about it. You believe in Jesus? Good - shut up about it. You believe the next door neighbor's dog has a godlike tint to his fur? Pray at his altar and keep it to yourself. They say that all the wars are started over religion or money - we solved the religion part of it by just shutting up already.

8). How do we solve the money problem?

I have a plan.

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