Thursday, April 28, 2016

"Uh, I'm Not Pregnant"

Was speaking with a first-time mother-to be.

The young woman was definitely on the pregnant side, but it is a little weird to ask...


Back a while ago my beautiful wife asked a woman in a bar:

"When are you due?"

The woman replied with:

"Uh, I'm not pregnant."

My wife tried to shuffle her way out of it by quickly asking about the kids that the woman did have.

Then she doubled-down:

"Sometimes it's difficult to lose the baby weight. How long has it been?"

The woman said:

"13 years."

I was horrified.

I escaped to the bathroom only to be joined by two men who entered in near-tears.

"Did you hear that broad ask Megan about being pregnant?" The first guy said.

The second guy was laughing so hard that he couldn't answer.

I didn't bother to add to their conversation.


I did have the guts to ask.

"How far along?" I asked.

"Six months," the young lady answered.

(Thank God).

"That went fast for me," I said.

(That's funny).

She didn't laugh. Her face told me that she was wondering what the hell I said.

Yet she was off and talking...about how excited she was...and how awesome it would be.

And I thought of the moments of my children and seeing them for the first time.

"Living proof that God exists," I said.

The new Mom was happy to hear that.

But then I hit her with part of my stand-up act.

"About six months from now you're going to be standing in the middle of your kitchen, in the middle of the night and that kid is gonna' be screaming and you're gonna' wonder, 'why the hell was I so excited about this shit?'"

She laughed.

"I want you to think about me when it happens," I said. "But it's gonna' happen."

"But it's all worth it, right?" She asked with hopefulness filling her eyes.

"My youngest kid is only 15," I said. "I haven't made up my mind yet."

She laughed again.

What a cool part of life.

Better than asking a not pregnant woman when the baby is coming.

No comments:

Happy Birthday, To One of the Dopes

The funny thing about your kids getting older is that as a parent, you have all the goods. Today Matt is 25 years old (I’m pretty sure - w...