Mommy! Mother! Momma! Ma! Mom!!!!!

As I grew up there were very distinct reasons why I called either my mother or my father's name. If it were love and security I sought, both were eager to answer the bell, but Mom offered the most comforting arms.

If it was strength and discipline I needed - when John was beating the holy hell out of me, for instance - I usually bellowed Dad's name.

This all came to mind yesterday as I read the story of Elton John and his wife, David Furnish, becoming proud parents for the first time. Elton and David are the parents of a baby boy. Or is it David Furnish and his wife, Elton John?

Read those sentences again. Does it sound right to you?

Now, I have been forever accused of being a liberal and while the story doesn't make me angry or shudder in fear that society is being ruined by two guys who apparently love one another to introduce a child to their lives, and while I wish them luck and hope that the kid flourishes in his new environment. I may not be quite as progressive as I think.

I'm just saying.

There are distinct problems, right?

Who is Mommy? Who is Daddy?

Not to mention the chore of breast feeding. Elton has always been on the husky side, but the milk glands don't work in big man-boobs, right?

Do they, Pops?

Sorry, pal...(that's for the donkey-porn stuff)

I always think of Rodney Dangerfield whenever the subject of breast-feeding comes up.

"My mother wouldn't breast-feed me," Rodney said. "She told me we were just friends."

I don't know. The articles are confusing as the proud pappa and the proud pappa talk about what it will be like to raise a child in this crazy world.

You think they're confused?

Wait until that kid is old enough to figure out that David and Elton are going out and Elton is dressed in a low-cut blouse, with pumps, earrings, and a push-up bra.

Life is a real peach, huh?

Bet that kid's first word is 'Daddy'.