Incredible Efforts
This is a blog about an overwhelming feeling that has sort of taken control of my tired mind today. The story goes way, way, way back and includes so many people that I have trouble keeping count.
When Jeff died, lets be honest here, there was very little looking forward. I was trapped (still am on the bad days) looking back, hurting so much that doing anything other than taking one step after another to stay upright, was difficult.
The book idea was in the back of my mind, of course, after all, I am a writer...but I couldn't see any possible way that I could perform the act of actually doing what had come so naturally to me. How could I come to grips with what was so deep in my obliterated heart?
I will tell you exactly how it happened!
At the end of 2009, my publisher, my friend, and a truly great American, Cindy Sterling asked me to send her what I'd been writing during the year.
"I have nothing," I said.
"You have to have something," she said. "You have to release a book every year."
"Nothing. A few love notes about Jeff that I don't want to forget."
"Send me those," Cindy said.
The notes amounted to about 40 pages of worthless garbage that was dripping with love and tears. I apologized at the conclusion, saying that I might be done writing...completely done.
"You aren't done," Cindy responded.
Two days later, she offered me a contract and put a deadline on it. A 30-day deadline!!!!
I called her, laughing, at her lame attempt to light a fire.
"You have 60 days," Cindy said. She didn't laugh along.
Over the next 60 days, I wrote. The mixed-up messages my shattered heart were sending to my brain left me with a first draft that was quite different than what you will see as the finished product.
Little did I know but Cindy, Megan and Nicole at Sterlinghouse already knew what the finished product would be. They returned that first draft to me, and said - 'Fix this!'
The next 60 days were rough. That is where the next incredible effort comes in.
When I think of my wife and kids, I think of the U2 line where Bono sings: "I see the songs in your eyes!"
I watch the story come together in my wife's eyes. She doesn't say much and certainly doesn't help with the grammar or the story structure, but the love that I need to push me forward is front and center in those baby blues. She pushes me forward even as I push back. She closes the door for me and brings me a coffee, and she weathers the storm that comes with being lost in the structure of it all. She never doubts that I will get there. Her love is pure and simple and nonsensical and there is a daring that comes along with it...she dares me to be great as I write.
And I'm a blessed man. I was born smack dab in the middle of the most amazing family that the world has had the pleasure to meet. A mother and father and brothers and sisters that empty the tank in every circumstance. We were built on love and it is the fuel that makes us say and do the crazy, friggin' things that we do.
That love has been tested. The faith has been stretched to the absolute limit. Our hopes have been dashed, but there has been a rising because we are still working on a dream.
I have never been so tested in an editing process as I was in this book. The vision was to make it funny, but to start the story where it hurt, and to acknowledge the pain that would have to be addressed to allow the message of Jeff's life to be fully realized.
My wife, my children, my close friends (you know who you all are, but Pops, Yvonne, Jeffy, Gag, Johnny, and a few Chris' actually really held me up during the writing process) my publisher, my editor, my brothers, my sisters, my Mom and Dad all had the faith that I would get there.
I certainly didn't.
Yet with an incredible effort by those around me...I was able to get the message out.
And what is Jeff's message?
Straight and simple:
You ready?
Celebrate Your Life!
Celebrate Your Love.
Celebrate Your Family!
Celebrate the Mundane!
Celebrate the Exciting!
Celebrate!
Only Love Will Teach You Joy!
Thank you, all for your incredible effort.
Do me a favor, huh?
Help me spread Jeff's message.
Love...Cliff
When Jeff died, lets be honest here, there was very little looking forward. I was trapped (still am on the bad days) looking back, hurting so much that doing anything other than taking one step after another to stay upright, was difficult.
The book idea was in the back of my mind, of course, after all, I am a writer...but I couldn't see any possible way that I could perform the act of actually doing what had come so naturally to me. How could I come to grips with what was so deep in my obliterated heart?
I will tell you exactly how it happened!
At the end of 2009, my publisher, my friend, and a truly great American, Cindy Sterling asked me to send her what I'd been writing during the year.
"I have nothing," I said.
"You have to have something," she said. "You have to release a book every year."
"Nothing. A few love notes about Jeff that I don't want to forget."
"Send me those," Cindy said.
The notes amounted to about 40 pages of worthless garbage that was dripping with love and tears. I apologized at the conclusion, saying that I might be done writing...completely done.
"You aren't done," Cindy responded.
Two days later, she offered me a contract and put a deadline on it. A 30-day deadline!!!!
I called her, laughing, at her lame attempt to light a fire.
"You have 60 days," Cindy said. She didn't laugh along.
Over the next 60 days, I wrote. The mixed-up messages my shattered heart were sending to my brain left me with a first draft that was quite different than what you will see as the finished product.
Little did I know but Cindy, Megan and Nicole at Sterlinghouse already knew what the finished product would be. They returned that first draft to me, and said - 'Fix this!'
The next 60 days were rough. That is where the next incredible effort comes in.
When I think of my wife and kids, I think of the U2 line where Bono sings: "I see the songs in your eyes!"
I watch the story come together in my wife's eyes. She doesn't say much and certainly doesn't help with the grammar or the story structure, but the love that I need to push me forward is front and center in those baby blues. She pushes me forward even as I push back. She closes the door for me and brings me a coffee, and she weathers the storm that comes with being lost in the structure of it all. She never doubts that I will get there. Her love is pure and simple and nonsensical and there is a daring that comes along with it...she dares me to be great as I write.
And I'm a blessed man. I was born smack dab in the middle of the most amazing family that the world has had the pleasure to meet. A mother and father and brothers and sisters that empty the tank in every circumstance. We were built on love and it is the fuel that makes us say and do the crazy, friggin' things that we do.
That love has been tested. The faith has been stretched to the absolute limit. Our hopes have been dashed, but there has been a rising because we are still working on a dream.
I have never been so tested in an editing process as I was in this book. The vision was to make it funny, but to start the story where it hurt, and to acknowledge the pain that would have to be addressed to allow the message of Jeff's life to be fully realized.
My wife, my children, my close friends (you know who you all are, but Pops, Yvonne, Jeffy, Gag, Johnny, and a few Chris' actually really held me up during the writing process) my publisher, my editor, my brothers, my sisters, my Mom and Dad all had the faith that I would get there.
I certainly didn't.
Yet with an incredible effort by those around me...I was able to get the message out.
And what is Jeff's message?
Straight and simple:
You ready?
Celebrate Your Life!
Celebrate Your Love.
Celebrate Your Family!
Celebrate the Mundane!
Celebrate the Exciting!
Celebrate!
Only Love Will Teach You Joy!
Thank you, all for your incredible effort.
Do me a favor, huh?
Help me spread Jeff's message.
Love...Cliff
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