Send Me A Dollar

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Apparently there is a nun who roams the New York City streets in full nun-get-up, begging passersbys for money so that she can save her church. She's been successfully doing this for the past ten years or so. Bless You, my child.

Turns out she's not a nun.

Turns out there is no church.

The state is onto her. They want the money back so they can piss it away on a non-existent budget that can't be passed.

There is so much to this story. So many bad memories for me. I can recall being driven into a doorknob by Sister Henriella back in the 5th grade. That little woman could hit like Ray Lewis. When I crumpled to the ground in pain, she screamed at me to get up. She was an angry old bat. I was surprised she didn't spit on my writhing little body.

So, I have little sympathy for the would-be nun. Although her walking around the streets dressed like a penguin deserves a dollar in change, doesn't it? Fake story or not, I might have floated a buck her way.

And I used to doll out spare change to beggers on a routine basis. That was of course before I became so much more aware of the potential for scams. I remember tossing five bucks at a man on a San Francisco street. He was out of work and begging but he was also playing Tangled Up In Blue by Dylan on a filthy harmonica. Never missed a note. Never took a lesson.

Yet I also have an idea.

I want everyone to send me a dollar.

If you do it, heaven will be yours. I have a direct pipeline to the great beyond and I can guarantee that you will find eternal salvation.

Tell your friends to send me a dollar as well.

However you want to do it: Paypal. Credit card. 100 pennies in a filthy sock.

I don't care. I need the cash.

The thing is that I won't be able to guarantee you eternal happiness unless I receive a total of one million dollars.

Come on, do it. God wants you to.

I'm not really anticipating meeting my goal, and I will probably laugh if I do, and that is exactly what those preachers are doing as well. They go on television with a scam and get people to send them their hard-earned money for a promise of eternal salvation.

The last time I went to church the priest asked for a donation of $50 so that they could pay to have the roof redone. I should have thought of that.

"I don't want five dollars or ten dollars," the priest had the gall to say. "I need all of you to contribute $50."

I'm telling you. I'm spiritually connected. Ever since that doorknob to the back, I have an in. Know how much that priest got from me for his roof? He couldn't get a fry from the dollar menu at Mickey D's with what I gave him.

But send me a dollar.

Fifty cents won't do.

Your eternal soul will thank you for your contribution.

But remember: no one gets anything unless I can raise a million.

Comments

Carrie Lynn Fazzolari said…
It's illegal to ask for money like that over the internet doofus... but hey, share the wealth, would ya?
30 July, 2010
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