Oscar Madison Lives On

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I was packing clothes for an upcoming trip, folding everything as I put it into the suitcase, trying hard not to wrinkle anything as I did so.

As I worked to make everything just right in my suitcase it struck me that no matter how much care I put into the task I still wasn't going to pull it off. You remember the Odd Couple, right? When Oscar Madison was going to write about a sporting event he put on a suit and tie. Most people look good in a suit and tie. Oscar? No. Me? No.

Why can't I pull it off?

"You can put him in a ten-thousand dollar suit," my sister Corinne once said, "and he'd still look like a bum."

"And sooner or later there'd be a mustard stain on it," my sister Carrie added.

I don't know what it is - I try to look good. I really do. I remember once I was getting ready for a book signing - I all but ran down the stairs thinking I'd really pulled it off this time. My wife was at the bottom of the stairs. She took one look at me and said, very sweetly, "Uh, no. Try again."

It's been a long time since someone laid my clothes out for me, but I'm afraid I'm right back at square one. Packing was a chore. The only shirts that truly look good on me have an interlocking NY in the top left-hand corner.

Can we get to the bottom of it?

Here are the problems as I see it:

1). I've never ironed - not once - not anything. It shows sometimes.

2). I like mustard. I like sandwiches. Sometimes when I bite the sandwich the mustard leaks out.

3). I can't see myself. Therefore I have no idea that I'm offending anyone with my attire. I don't regularly glance in the mirror, therefore, while I feel good, I may look crappy. I sort of consider that your problem.

4). People have given up. My sisters tried to get me to change my look as I tried to find a date in high school - didn't work. My college friends tried to spruce me up too, but Bruce was wearing a bandanna in those days so I was too. And my poor wife? She's tried. God Bless her, she has. She buys me nice shirts - if they're white they might just as well say disposable on them - I get one wear out of white. If they are something a little more stylish, I push them to the back of the closet.

I'm 44 - my closet is full of crap. My favorite shirts either have a number on the back or the dates of the latest Springsteen Tour. I still have the one from Born in the USA - I don't wear it much, though.

It doesn't fit.

And there's a huge mustard stain right under the picture of a leaping Springsteen.

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