Snakes & Beards

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We caught the Friday Night Dateline. Here are some truths about all the real-life murders that are broken down in story form for our entertainment:

1). My beautiful wife, by this time, has seen footage of every murder in America. She watches all true crime all the time. ID tv is her go to, and she knows every reason for every murder ever committed.

It’s a tad disconcerting, but I’m not worried about her getting caught if she one day decides that I need to go. 

She doesn’t pick anything up, or throw anything out!

She’d have printed out computer pages on ‘How to kill my husband.’

2). Andrea Canning is great at her job, and asks all the right questions. She seems disturbed by what she’s reporting on, and she’s an attractive woman. She has about 6 kids too! 

Weighs about 95 pounds!

3). One of the dudes on the show on Friday night had a beard that went down to the center of his chest.

I had a lot of questions.

Doesn’t it itch?

Doesn’t it stink?

How?

 Why?

No way could I deal with that.

4). The poor bastard who was shot 8 times was a reptile dealer. Evidently it’s a lucrative business, and again, I was a little anxious.

I don’t do snakes.

They scare the hell out of me.

Maybe the nuns did that to me with their Satan was a snake stuff, but when I see one…every hair on my body stands on edge.

No way I could make money dealing with snakes.

5). The start of the episode is always my favorite because the spouse that wasn’t murdered is always telling the story about how in love they were at the start. 

There are wedding photos and the couple is shown kissing and hugging. 

Their friends are interviewed:

“They were the perfect couple. He loved her and she loved him so much. They were amazing together!”

This is usually when I’ll interject and say something along the lines of:

“And three years later they couldn’t stand to be in the same room at the same time.”

“It got to the point where I just couldn’t stand the son of a bitch so I filled his coffee with anti-freeze every day for a year. Couldn’t wait for him to die. I’m going to prison, but hell if it wasn’t worth it. I thank God every morning that he’s gone. Rotten bastard.”

And that’s how most of the episodes go.

I won’t spoil the episode from last night…

…wasn’t a bad one.

Just suffice it to say that I dreamed about snakes and beards.

And I slept with one eye open.

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