Thursday, August 18, 2016

Gymnastics Suck

Was wandering by the television the other night and noticed the Olympics.

There was a small girl doing a flip and landing on what is known as a horse.

She stuck the landing.

And I got shivers up and down my spine.

Because I thought about gym class.

You remember those classes, right boys?

The gymnasium was wide open, meaning that for the next two weeks there would be no hockey, basketball or baseball.

We would all be flashing our skills on the rings, the horse, and the ropes that we had to try and climb to the roof of the gym.

Thinking back on's all a little crazy to me!

I now walk around job sites and warn grown men about fall hazards in excess of 6' and back then...

...Mr. Ring would chastise us for being a little frightened to make the 20' climb to the ceiling.

I hated every minute of all of it!

First off, the girls were there.

I was deathly afraid of looking like a dork in front of the girls.

I can't spin, jump or balance.

Never could...won't ever be able to do it!

"Fazzolari, you're up!"

Mr. Ring was all business. He knew we all hated every second of the gymnastics routine, but we all had to at least attempt every exercise.

Honestly, can any of you picture me trying to spin through the air and stick the landing on the horse, or balance myself on the freaking parallel bars?

And forget the rope!

I was 6' tall.

I got about 6'4" off the ground before I quit and cried about the rope burn.

And the girls were all in the corner of the gym...

...they could get out of gym class every single time by claiming it wasn't good for them at that particular time...

...and they would gather, and point, and laugh...

At Clifford Lou Retton!

One girl at the Olympics missed her spot and stumbled a bit on the horse.

The crowd groaned.

Then she flipped head over freaking heels, came off the end of the thing, raised her hand in triumph and the announcer moaned about how badly she did.

Can you imagine the groaning crowd if they televised my attempts?

I believe that somewhere there are grown women, thinking back, remembering, Cliff Fuzzy hitting the ground when he tried to grasp the rings and swing through the air.

I missed the mat by inches on that attempt.

Gymnastics suck.

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