Saying Whatever The Hell I Want
The doc gave me a cortisone shot today and I shot a little blood across the floor when the needle hit. He was panic-stricken.
"Thank God my AIDS is in remission," I said.
His eyes almost popped out of his head.
Three weeks prior to that the therapist was examining the knee. She was kneeling on the floor as my legs dangled. She measured the knee and then traced her fingers on my thighs in an effort to see if the sensation was different in either leg.
"Ain't my legs I'm feeling the sensation," I said.
Her head sprung up like a jack-in-the-box.
I always do it to convenience store clerks.
"Can I help you?" they ask.
"What do you have in mind?" I ask back in my best bedroom voice.
Wouldn't it be nice if the best lines always popped into our heads at the perfect time? I love shocking people with quick lines and it usually lightens the mood.
I was having lunch with a good friend of mine who is about 300 pounds and stands about 6'5". As we ate our lunch there was a beautiful blonde girl across the way. As we ended lunch, we chatted in the parking lot as the girl got into a white mustang convertible and headed for the road. My buddy yelled something and she yelled something back.
"What did she say?" my buddy asked.
"She said, 'Holy Shit, there's Shrek!'" I answered.
Of course, I don't make a patch on my brothers asses, or my Dad's either for that matter. Whenever I consider the subject I think of my Dad and I sharing a huge steak in a California restaurant.
As way of explanation, Dad really enjoyed eating in silence, and away from people chatting, or God help them, laughing.
The tables in the restaurant were close. Dad was cutting his steak when the woman about three feet away started to laugh uproariously.
I knew it was coming, but I prayed it wouldn't be too painful. The woman laughed louder and louder and it seemed to go on forever as I waited for Dad to shout her down.
Very calmly, he placed his knife and fork on the table. He made a grand gesture of looking at the laughing woman.
"BAH!! Are you gonna' lay an egg or what?" he asked.
The woman stopped laughing immediately.
"Thank God my AIDS is in remission," I said.
His eyes almost popped out of his head.
Three weeks prior to that the therapist was examining the knee. She was kneeling on the floor as my legs dangled. She measured the knee and then traced her fingers on my thighs in an effort to see if the sensation was different in either leg.
"Ain't my legs I'm feeling the sensation," I said.
Her head sprung up like a jack-in-the-box.
I always do it to convenience store clerks.
"Can I help you?" they ask.
"What do you have in mind?" I ask back in my best bedroom voice.
Wouldn't it be nice if the best lines always popped into our heads at the perfect time? I love shocking people with quick lines and it usually lightens the mood.
I was having lunch with a good friend of mine who is about 300 pounds and stands about 6'5". As we ate our lunch there was a beautiful blonde girl across the way. As we ended lunch, we chatted in the parking lot as the girl got into a white mustang convertible and headed for the road. My buddy yelled something and she yelled something back.
"What did she say?" my buddy asked.
"She said, 'Holy Shit, there's Shrek!'" I answered.
Of course, I don't make a patch on my brothers asses, or my Dad's either for that matter. Whenever I consider the subject I think of my Dad and I sharing a huge steak in a California restaurant.
As way of explanation, Dad really enjoyed eating in silence, and away from people chatting, or God help them, laughing.
The tables in the restaurant were close. Dad was cutting his steak when the woman about three feet away started to laugh uproariously.
I knew it was coming, but I prayed it wouldn't be too painful. The woman laughed louder and louder and it seemed to go on forever as I waited for Dad to shout her down.
Very calmly, he placed his knife and fork on the table. He made a grand gesture of looking at the laughing woman.
"BAH!! Are you gonna' lay an egg or what?" he asked.
The woman stopped laughing immediately.
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