Struck By Lightning
Weird. Dreams are just plain weird sometimes.
This morning the dream that caused my eyes to jut open was fairly vivid. I was standing around a picnic table, loading my cheeseburger from the grill with onions and pickles when the thunder rolled across the sky.
"Get in the house before you get struck by lightning," my wife said.
Everyone ran in the house but me. I continued to make my way around the table when BAM! wouldn't you freaking know it, I got struck by lightning!
My eyes were wide open as a shiver of real fear rushed through my now awake body.
"What the hell?" I asked. Melky was snoring beside me. What does it mean?
I tell you what it means. It's all about my wife, and her constant warnings about being safe. You see, Kathy, along with her partner in all things scary, my mother-in-law, constantly badgers me and the boys with warnings of utter destruction.
"Are you all locked up?" my wife asks my mother-in-law each evening. "No candles, no plug-ins, no babies?"
That is code for "all clear" in their warped world.
This weekend we left Jake home for a few hours. Ten minutes after we left, I called the house to get Jake to set the DVR. He didn't answer. He also didn't answer his cell phone. To Kathy's credit, she did not panic.
"He's probably in the bathroom," she said.
But panic was setting in elsewhere. My mother-in-law rang my phone.
"I need Kathy," she said, alarms going off in her voice.
I knew better then to say a word. I handed the phone over. Moments later, Jake buzzed in.
"What's going on?" he asked.
"Why didn't you answer the phone?" I asked.
"I was in the bathroom, then I let the dogs out," the poor kid said. "Grandma has the police coming over to check, geez."
We had a nice little laugh over it and there was evidence left as my mother-in-law left a voice mail that sounded like she was about to send out the hounds and organize a search party.
My poor boys and I run around the house trying to stay clear of being in the line of fire as far as the warnings go. Kathy and my mother-in-law are trapped in a world where bus drivers steal all the kids, children are snatched clean out of their beds, and big-ass husbands get zapped by lightning on sunny days.
Yet as I am well aware, lightning does strike every so often.
I could imagine my wife at the end of that dream, as they carted my burnt body away.
"I told him," she'd say. "I don't know why he doesn't listen to me."
My mother-in-law would be right there beside her.
Something tells me they'd get more satisfaction about being right for once.
"We told him. Lightning strikes. Dumb bastard. Lightning strikes."
This morning the dream that caused my eyes to jut open was fairly vivid. I was standing around a picnic table, loading my cheeseburger from the grill with onions and pickles when the thunder rolled across the sky.
"Get in the house before you get struck by lightning," my wife said.
Everyone ran in the house but me. I continued to make my way around the table when BAM! wouldn't you freaking know it, I got struck by lightning!
My eyes were wide open as a shiver of real fear rushed through my now awake body.
"What the hell?" I asked. Melky was snoring beside me. What does it mean?
I tell you what it means. It's all about my wife, and her constant warnings about being safe. You see, Kathy, along with her partner in all things scary, my mother-in-law, constantly badgers me and the boys with warnings of utter destruction.
"Are you all locked up?" my wife asks my mother-in-law each evening. "No candles, no plug-ins, no babies?"
That is code for "all clear" in their warped world.
This weekend we left Jake home for a few hours. Ten minutes after we left, I called the house to get Jake to set the DVR. He didn't answer. He also didn't answer his cell phone. To Kathy's credit, she did not panic.
"He's probably in the bathroom," she said.
But panic was setting in elsewhere. My mother-in-law rang my phone.
"I need Kathy," she said, alarms going off in her voice.
I knew better then to say a word. I handed the phone over. Moments later, Jake buzzed in.
"What's going on?" he asked.
"Why didn't you answer the phone?" I asked.
"I was in the bathroom, then I let the dogs out," the poor kid said. "Grandma has the police coming over to check, geez."
We had a nice little laugh over it and there was evidence left as my mother-in-law left a voice mail that sounded like she was about to send out the hounds and organize a search party.
My poor boys and I run around the house trying to stay clear of being in the line of fire as far as the warnings go. Kathy and my mother-in-law are trapped in a world where bus drivers steal all the kids, children are snatched clean out of their beds, and big-ass husbands get zapped by lightning on sunny days.
Yet as I am well aware, lightning does strike every so often.
I could imagine my wife at the end of that dream, as they carted my burnt body away.
"I told him," she'd say. "I don't know why he doesn't listen to me."
My mother-in-law would be right there beside her.
Something tells me they'd get more satisfaction about being right for once.
"We told him. Lightning strikes. Dumb bastard. Lightning strikes."
Comments