Twelve Years

Three years ago, we saw the Springsteen on Broadway Show.

During Bruce’s unbelievable performance I was thinking a lot about my brother, Jeff. 

We had purposely bought tickets for early March because we were tired of the depression that came along with the “anniversary” of a death day.

“I’m not going to spend a month in abject sadness every year.”

I had that thought during the show...

...and this is the 3rd year when I have not given into the sadness.

The stages of grief are pretty much dead right.

Eventually there is acceptance because for the most part, when your railing against the unfairness of it all, you realize that all you’re doing is driving yourself crazy.

I was as close as I could be with Jeff. There’s so damn much that I miss. 

Every day.

Mostly it’s the laughter.

I can’t even fathom how much laughter we all missed out on.

And of course, I see him in his children.

I hear his voice in my children. Sam and Jake have the same voice that Jeff had.

When they laugh, I am blessed to hear Jeff’s laugh.

And the more time that passes, the more we were all cheated out of.

But I’ve learned to cope.

I was blessed with a great memory so I recall all those awesome days.

I see Jeff in my dreams too.

Same face, same voice, same interactions.

So, another March 4th will pass.

I know there will be a wheat penny here or there within the next week.

I won’t be surprised when I find it. I go months without finding one but they’re always there in the target days.

And there will be an answer.

Someday.

Has to be!

Enjoy March 4th.

I’m gonna’ try.

Don’t give a day away to sadness.