Golf Stories
Received in an email from an OLD friend - Al Smith - funny stuff - even if you're just a hack golfer like Al and members of Team Grape Ape:
1). A recent study finds that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that golfers drink, on average, about 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that golfers, on the average, get about 41 miles to the gallon.
2). A husband on the wife are on the 9th green when she suddenly collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she says to her husband.
The husband makes the 911 call on his cell phone, talks for a moment, picks up his putter and starts to line up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry," the husband calmly says. "They found a doctor on the second hold and he's coming to help you."
"How long will it be?" she asks feebly.
"Not long," the husband says. "Everyone else has agreed to let him play through."
3). A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson:
"You are spectacular. Your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
Mickelson replied: "The holes are numbered."
4). A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3 the priest asks:
"What are you using on this hole, my son?"
"An 8-iron, Father. How about you?"
The priest said: "I'm going to hit a soft 7 and pray."
The young man hits the 8-iron and puts his ball on the green while the priest uses the 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
"I don't know about you," the young man says, "But in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
5). The police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron and standing over a lifeless man.
The cop asks: Is that your husband?"
"Yes," says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did."
"How many times did you hit him?" the cop asks.
"I don't know," the woman says, "put me down for a five."
6). A golfer teed up his ball, took a mighty swing and his his ball into a clump of trees.
He found the ball and saw a slight opening between the trees, thinking he could hit through. Trying out his 3-wood he swung. The ball hit a tree, bounced back and hit him in the forehead, killing him. As he approached the gates of heaven he saw St. Peter waiting for him.
"Are you a good golfer?" St. Peter asked him.
"I got here in two, didn't I?" the guy asked.
7). The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar the groom was standing there with his golf clubs at his side.
"Why do you have your golf clubs?" the bride whispered.
"He looked her right in the eye and smiled:
"This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
1). A recent study finds that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that golfers drink, on average, about 22 gallons of alcohol a year.
That means that golfers, on the average, get about 41 miles to the gallon.
2). A husband on the wife are on the 9th green when she suddenly collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear," she says to her husband.
The husband makes the 911 call on his cell phone, talks for a moment, picks up his putter and starts to line up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry," the husband calmly says. "They found a doctor on the second hold and he's coming to help you."
"How long will it be?" she asks feebly.
"Not long," the husband says. "Everyone else has agreed to let him play through."
3). A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson:
"You are spectacular. Your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"
Mickelson replied: "The holes are numbered."
4). A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par 3 the priest asks:
"What are you using on this hole, my son?"
"An 8-iron, Father. How about you?"
The priest said: "I'm going to hit a soft 7 and pray."
The young man hits the 8-iron and puts his ball on the green while the priest uses the 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
"I don't know about you," the young man says, "But in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."
5). The police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron and standing over a lifeless man.
The cop asks: Is that your husband?"
"Yes," says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did."
"How many times did you hit him?" the cop asks.
"I don't know," the woman says, "put me down for a five."
6). A golfer teed up his ball, took a mighty swing and his his ball into a clump of trees.
He found the ball and saw a slight opening between the trees, thinking he could hit through. Trying out his 3-wood he swung. The ball hit a tree, bounced back and hit him in the forehead, killing him. As he approached the gates of heaven he saw St. Peter waiting for him.
"Are you a good golfer?" St. Peter asked him.
"I got here in two, didn't I?" the guy asked.
7). The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar the groom was standing there with his golf clubs at his side.
"Why do you have your golf clubs?" the bride whispered.
"He looked her right in the eye and smiled:
"This isn't going to take all day, is it?"
Comments