I Hate Christmas Songs (And Every Other Song My Wife Sings)

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Chestnuts roasting on an open fire - Are you kidding me?

I've always hated Christmas songs - 'I'm dreaming of a White Christmas' might be my all-time most hated. Perhaps it's because the freaking singer has never driven to my parents' home with 3 whiny kids through a blinding snowstorm with a wife - who sounds like Edith Bunker singing the freaking song in his ear.

And Rudolph? "They never let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games - well, let me tell you, I went to high school with kids like Rudolph - stop whining about your perceived disability and get in there and make your own way - people aren't making fun of you because of your shiny nose - it's because you walk around like a wimp, kicking at the dirt - suck it up old Rudolph.

Frosty the Snowman? Yeah, you're fat, get over it - it's hot in the greenhouse, so stay clear of there - and two eyes made out of coal - give me a break.

Of course Santa Claus is Coming to Town would also be a stupid song, but Springsteen sang the crap out of that song so it gets a free pass.

Yet you have never lived until you've heard my wife sing - last week the kids and I were tortured by her rendition of 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' - somewhere Bonnie Tyler was seen poking sharp pencils through her eardrums - and you know, my wife knew every single word - "We're living in a powder keg, giving off sparks," she sang.

I was driving the car at the time, but do you know what actually went through my mind?

I wondered if she could stop singing long enough to grab the wheel after I opened the driver's side door and bailed out. I might have done it too, but the kids were in the back seat and her eyes were closed as she strained for the next high note.

So, you see my problem - it isn't just Christmas songs that I hate - it's every song she can get her lungs around.

"Oh, I like this one," coming from her, normally gets a quick flick of the dial from me.

Sorry, babe, I love you - but you're freaking tone deaf.

Comments

Carrie Lynn Fazzolari said…
That's flippin' hilarious! What got me was her eyes being closed as she strained to get the high note. I'm laughing so hard that Tony is laughing along with me... thank you! Sorry Kath, that was funny!
04 December, 2008
deafjeff said…
To write this, then a post about divorce? Man you got heuvos of steel.
04 December, 2008
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