Thoughts of a Common Man

Received in an email from an OLD friend - Al Smith - funny stuff - even if you're just a hack golfer like Al and members of Team Grape Ape: 1). A recent study finds that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that golfers drink, on average, about 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that golfers, on the average, get about 41 miles to the gallon. 2). A husband on the wife are on the 9th green when she suddenly collapses from a heart attack! "Help me dear," she says to her husband. The husband makes the 911 call on his cell phone, talks for a moment, picks up his putter and starts to line up his putt. His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him. "I'm dying here and you're putting?" "Don't worry," the husband calmly says. "They found a doctor on the second hold and he's coming to help you." "How long will it be?" she asks feebly. "Not long," ...

There has been a whole lot of talk about "Making a Murderer". Now there will be a lot of talk about O.J. Simpson as there is a new series starting about his court case. In both instances there are still people out there who think: They were framed. My beautiful wife and I watched the Making a Murderer series in about a week's time. It was really well done and the documentary was set up in a very mysterious manner. The twists and turns were hard to see coming and doing it over such a long period of time allowed for a whole bunch of convenient truths. "What do you think?" Kathy asked when it was finally over. "He did it." "What?" She asked. "How can you say that?" "We were told one side," I said. "And the cops aren't going that far out of the way to set him up." Still...there were a lot of questions raised and I thought that there was enough there for reasonable doubt...but again...I didn...

There's a Go Fund Me Page set up for former Syracuse basketball player Pearl Washington . The people who love him are looking to raise money so that he can pay for his medical bills. Peral Washington was a great player for the University back in the 1980's. He never made it to the pro's. He never got the big money. From what you read about him... ...his life has been nothing but a struggle from the time when Syracuse made money off his name as they went far into the NCAA Tournament. His paid-for education did little for him. And there are people out there who will immediately dismiss Pearl Washington's problems. He was plunked out of poverty, handed a scholarship to a great school and was cheered on a national level. Boo-hoo, right? He didn't take charge of his life and make the most of what was handed to him. The story might just be a little more complicated than that. Washington was yanked out of poverty and he did spend 4 years competing...

I think we started the ritual when I was about 15 years old. I would bet my brother Jeff, using the spread, on every single football game played each week. We would keep a running count...and at the end of the year we had to settle up. A dinner. In those early years it was just a few burgers at a fast-food joint. The winner would just crush the loser. Well. When Jeff left us...I decided that I couldn't face doing it anymore. I passed the tradition to Sam and he went head-to-head with his beloved Uncle Chuck. They are in season 5 of their battle and I hear rumors that they've toyed with the rules. But the stakes are still the same. This was the first year I jumped back into the fray...choosing Jake as my foil. I lost. Jake and his guest, Quinn (who eats a truckload of my food anyway) decided on Red Lobster. Kathy doesn't eat seafood so I took Sam along as my guest. Huge mistake. Sam ate two and a half lobster tails. Crab legs were flying. T...

Chris Rock is going to go to town regarding the latest flap over the Oscar's being painted white. A crazy story... ...an unnecessary one? I guess that being a white American I never really pay much attention to how much attention one race is getting or not getting. I did find it weird that the spokesperson against racism regarding the Academy Awards was Jada Pinkett Smith who's entirely family makes millions in Hollywood. She made the announcement from a mansion. Perhaps she was just pissed that her husband didn't get nominated for the top award, but really... ...are they really being oppressed? I don't think that the Smith family is currently being held down by the man. But then again... ...perhaps there is some bias. I'm pretty naive when it comes to that sort of thing. Chris Rock will set them straight. And can you really claim racism on the part of the academy if the guy who is hosting is black? It's all so confusing. I don'...

I sent a bunch of texts out to buddies on the East Coast who were hit with the snowstorm and I wasn't being mean. I was paying them back. Here in Buffalo we are usually the ones who are hearing it from those people who aren't seeing much snow. "How's the weather?" I asked. "It's hot and dusty here." And it was hot and dusty if you consider hot and dusty to be about 3 degrees with the wind chill, but we weren't getting any snow. Which was fine with me. I even watched the weather a couple of times. Which begs the question: Why does the weatherman or woman feel that it is necessary to give me a class on meteorology every time I want to know what's going on out there? On Sunday morning the weather lady was actually going through definitions of the terms as if we were all going to take a freaking exam afterwards. I don't need to see maps or Doppler Radar. Just tell me! Plain language! "It's gonna' be mise...

Didn't you miss Sarah Palin? I know I did. She was back in the news this week for two things: 1). She's endorsing Donald Trump. Isn't that lovely? She ran with McCain who Trump bashed with his "I like my war heroes not captured" wisdom. She shouted incoherent rants about how Donald was talking 'common sense'. And he told us that he has always admired her. A Trump-Palin Ticket is what this country needs to be great again, right? And 2). Her son Track was recently in the news for pummeling his wife (allegedly) and Sarah did not deny this. She spoke about the elephant in the room explaining that Track's problems stemmed from his war stint (he was sent off to fight in the war where we didn't find the weapons of mass destruction) and when he got home his PTSD caused him to hit his wife. Poor guy. But Sarah didn't stop there. She blamed Obama for Track's right hook. Because he's the leader. I told you she was mis...

Life is a bitch. Returned from the Vegas/Arizona speaking gigs feeling pretty good. Had last weekend to rest a little more. Late Sunday night I mentioned to my beautiful wife that my ankle was suddenly sore. Woke up Monday morning and couldn't put my foot on the floor. Ever since the hip surgery I have ligaments that like to swell up on their own. Don't ask. I wrapped the ankle as tight as I could and stumbled down and got my work boots. The dogs watched in deep concern as I loosened the boot as much as I could and then stuffed my foot into it. I cried a little when my foot hit the bottom. Then I laced the shoe up. At 6:30 on Monday morning, sitting on the steps I was hit with a deep thought: I can't work if I can't walk. But my foot was now in the boot. I stood up slowly. The dogs were encouraged. I remembered putting the boot on. I wasn't about to take it off. So I went to work. 7 job sites. 15 clients. I stumbled back in the...

By all accounts Kathryn Smith deserves to be a new football coach at a professional level. In case you didn't get it, Kathryn is a woman's name. I actually yawned when I saw the news. We have women running for president. Women are commonplace in the work force. Women have been voting for years. Is it really that big of a story? I believe there are women refs, women in locker rooms, even a woman NBA coach. If she is able to do the job...do the job. Of course, I went to social media to gauge the reaction. The very first comment I saw? The very first one! Said this: Well, at least she can make sandwiches for every one. The guy who posted it took a major league beating from a whole bunch of women. And even a couple of the progressive-type men. Of course that was the exact reaction that he was looking for. (No...it wasn't me!) Yet we often kick around the idea of women in the workplace here. "I'd much rather have a man boss than a w...

I guess that it is inevitable. Clarence Clemens died. George Harrison died. John Lennon and Elvis... ...And now David Bowie is dead and so is Glenn Frey of the Eagles. Everyone but Keith Richards it seems. Or Pete Townsend who wrote: "I hope I die before I get old." He probably doesn't hope that anymore. It's pretty sad, actually. I mentioned that I liked Bowie. I admit that I like the Eagles too. In fact, back in the late 70's the Eagles were a pretty cool band to be into. It's weird. Most of those guys had the big hair, the reputation for intoxication and they made all that money! And both Bowie and Frey died young... ...cancer and pneumonia! Not all that glamorous. All that money didn't save them. After Bowie's death was announced I listened to a few of his songs that I have on my i-pod... ...it seemed different somehow. But think of having that much of a legacy. Their songs will be played for years and ye...

I've spent the entire week thinking back to last week... ...a lot of "I can't believe I was eating pasta in Scottsdale" and an entire week had already passed. Ran into a guy on the road who was also talking about the fact that he had just turned 50 years old: "I still feel like I'm in my 20's," he said. Yeah...the days, weeks, months and years just fly by. And I have a pretty good memory for things but if someone says 2004 to me... ...I'm not quite sure exactly what was going on. That was more than 11 years ago! I actually recall...in about 1976...thinking: "Man! I'm gonna' be 36 in the year 2000!" And now I have a rough time recalling what it felt like to be 36 years old. Whoosh... ...right on by you. It's actually a good thing we kinda' get to live it again through the kids. On Monday night we ate dinner. Two hours later the boys were talking about getting subs. "You want anything?...

So we got to kicking around what we aspired to be in 2016. My beautiful wife promised to answer her phone. That might sound weird to all of us who hold our phone in our hands and text, talk and email. Kathy never cared for such immediacy. Even when her calls come through she usually winds up hanging up on me, by accident. "Sam is going to keep his room clean," Kathy said. Sam looked at me and shrugged. "Your resolution is to give better answers when I ask you a question," she said to me. "No it's not," I said. But I must say that the new year has inspired me to try and make a couple of changes. It is true...I can be a little impatient when I'm thrown off the course I've set for myself on any given day. I would try not to get aggravated so easily. I made it until about 9 a.m. on Monday. But then I tried to talk my way through it. I argued with the voice in my head. I actually won the argument! 2016 is going to be s...

My boys were quick to bring it up. We were watching the New England Patriots - mind you - a team that they hate and a team that I like to aggravate them with by rooting for the Hoodie and Tom. "Let's go over your predictions from September," Sam said. I knew it would be bad. I picked a Super Bowl of Dallas over Miami. Neither even qualified for the playoffs. "What happened, oh wise one?" Jake asked. "You didn't even get the Bills record right." "I gave them an extra win," I said. "My fault. Next year they'll be 6 and 10 if you follow their history." On the field Brady was taking the Pats up and down the field. I tried a pretend scenario: "You can have Brady for a year and a guaranteed Super Bowl appearance, but you have to root for him and wear his jersey all year," I said. "Won't do it!" Sam said quickly. "No way," Jake added. "You're both lying! You...

It was a volatile year wasn't it? I'm talking about racial issues, of course, and while I once thought that we were reaching a civil understanding of one another... ...and while I was amazed back when Obama was elected president... ...I now think the racial divide is worse than ever. We heard this year that Black Lives Matter. Cops killing black men. Riots. A ton of unrest. Black leaders speaking out. White leaders trying to explain. And all of it beyond comprehension. Are we still stuck there? I think of it, in the context of MLK Day. He fought for equal rights. He was gunned down. We all know the story of his dream. It appears that his dream isn't close to coming true. I know that on Monday I will hear someone say: "Shoot four more and we could've taken the week off." Someone will say that. Sadly. And I guess that I'll never, as a white man, know exactly how chilling something like that can be for a man trying to...

Being out of routine is weird for me, but one of the good things about it was that I missed a lot of the news. Like the State of the Union... ...I hate that speech anyway. From the applause, to the mocking of whatever party doesn't have the speaker at the podium, to the horrible rebuttal afterwards. But it's weird to think that the next state of the union will be done by a different president. 8 years will have gone by quickly. I also missed commenting on a lot of the Powerball stuff. Weird dynamic there, right? We kicked around what might happen if we won all that money. An obscene amount. Don't you think there's a chance when you plunk down your two bucks for the ticket? I bought tickets in New York and Arizona. I checked them, knowing that getting even a single number would be a chore. It was. Imagine if we all plunked down two bucks to say, get rid of poverty. A novel idea. We wouldn't raise a million bucks with a contest like tha...

During the 6 days away Sam sent me a photo of Melky laying on the couch, her eyes open, staring straight ahead. "She's so depressed!" Sam noted. It made me feel so guilty! My poor Melky! And my beautiful wife just laughed at me... ..."You and those stupid dogs!" But as the heels touched down in Buffalo I had one simple thought: Melky and Paris are going to be so happy. And they were. Melody's first impulse upon seeing me as I return home is to grab something out of the dog playpen and run away from me. She will then frantically chew on it as I talk to her. She was really fired up. The thing about it is that it's all pretty simple to dogs. They just want to show and to feel love. That's it! (Oh and eat...they like to eat). But I believe that a lot of life can be summed up in just watching dogs fill their fundamental needs. My dogs are on a routine. They know the deal. Up, out, eat, ride, boney, back to bed. They l...

The trip was going to culminate in another long presentation at an insurance captive event. I have a unique job at this event because I spoke there last year and made everyone laugh. They asked me to do it again and put me in the coveted last speech of the day spot. I was actually introduced as a stand-up comedian. Which was great. I had honed the material for the better part of two months, going over the punchlines in my head. All new stuff. And it absolutely killed! "I almost pissed myself," a guy from Wyoming said. Another guy said that his ribs hurt from laughing. Perfect! And the best part of all of it was that Kathy was in attendance and got a chance to see the act... ...Why not?...she's prominently featured in it and her fire story brought the house down. By the end of the night I had been asked if I was interested in speaking in at least four new spots... ...Perhaps! It's tough to work into the schedule, but this trip was much nee...

Dam! What an absolutely amazing site the Hoover Dam is. We had a great drive from Tempe to Vegas, filled with gorgeous glances in most every direction, but nothing set us up for the Hoover Dam experience. "We should stop, right?" Kathy asked. "Of course!" We didn't know quite what to do but we paid to pull into a lot and then we just walked down to where we saw other people walking. (I will post some photos later - posting on small devices is beyond me) but the first photo I saw was of the mascot, dog, who lost his life during the building of the dam. I read about the dog and then began scanning the area...and that's when I got the full wallop. The project started in 1931 and finished up two years ahead of schedule in 1936. Amazing. When you look at it...you're just blown away by that simple fact. And I thought of the men and the hours and the danger and the sweat, blood and tears that went into doing something that would benefit this...

The venue was just two minutes from my hotel so I warmed up for my speech by watching Judge Judy for a few minutes, and I kept thinking about how weird it was. A whole gathering waiting for me to show up to speak. "You coming?" I asked my beautiful wife. "I've had just about enough of you," she responded. "Go aggravate someone else for awhile." We both laughed. And it was weirder still when I got to the place. The first people I met were already making requests. "Please say you're going to give us the ladder story," the host said. "That's Born to Run ," I said. "I gotta' play that one." And there were others that had seen me speak before. And they introduced me as 'funny as hell.' So. A little pressure? Nah! All in a day's work! I was only worried about talking too long. There are plenty of stories. The stage was an actual stage. I would be able to prance around. M...

The palm trees and the bright sun are awesome in January. We were hearing about the winter weather being predicted for Buffalo...and I gotta' be honest...we were laughing a little. We would miss a storm. But we are what we know, right? Life kinda' stays consistent wherever you are. I spent the first part of the trip playing a little mind game with Kathy, reminding her that she is simply an invited guest on this trip and that what I say goes. It's a game because we both think it's funny. I haven't been in charge in quite some time. But I am using the 'invited guest' line fairly liberally. Before we left we started watching the Net Flix show, 'Making a Murderer.' Unbeknownst to me Net Flix is still watchable in Arizona. We decided to go with the series rather than going to a movie after dinner. And while there may be a review coming for all of the mess that is the life of Steven Avery I must say that when the simple-minded run u...

We almost missed the connecting flight. The more lesiurely of the two of us lost their focus in the Chicago airport and arrived at the gate about 40 seconds before the doors closed. The less leisurely of us about had a seizure. But no harm, no foul. In fact, there was a certain amount of decompression necessary on the part of the less leisurely one. And that was the plan. No big agenda. What do you want to do replacing what do you need to do. So we spent a lot of time thinking about where we wanted to eat and decided on Grimaldi's because: It was close. And we didn't need to dress up. (Dressing up is difficult when you're wearing two different sneakers. I left in a rush and slid my feet into the place where my sneakers usually are. Unbeknownst to me one of the boys sneakers was close to one of mine. So I'm wearing one of Jake's shoes and one of my shoes). Anywhoha... The sun was out. And I'm talking...it seemed really bright! We fou...

I caught an episode of Sanford & Son the other day... ...it was amazing what they got away with. We all laughed. Now it would be considered politically incorrect. Times change. Well, we have been watching long series on Net Flix. Here are my top favorite long-running series of recent times. 5). Dexter - Sam and Jake love this one and we are currently trying to get through season 7. I have seen a lot of Dexter lately. I do like it. Dexter, Deb and the rest of the cast are good. My problem is that they run from one absolutely devastating life-changing event, sometimes three or four in a single episode...and no one seems to sleep or get tired, or even get too damaged emotionally. Plus...he's a serial killer! He kills everyone!! Hard to love him with all that blood! 4). Homeland - it's no secret that I love Claire Danes. I could watch her recite the ABC's for an hour. The show was really great early on. The last season was good...after it develope...

Kathy came home from work with a story. That, in and of itself, is not news. The other day, Jake needed Kathy to set him up with Apple News so this was the deal he made: "I'll sit and listen to your stories and I'll participate ! You can talk as long as you'd like and I'll give you feedback !" I thought that the offer was funny, but Kathy had other ideas. She took the deal! So she began telling a story of a co-worker mentioning something about someone and Jake sat there, and actually did participate. "Are we still talking about Wanda here?" he asked at one point. I laughed. "Now why would she say that?" he asked at another junction. And Kathy kept talking. Right through his pointed questions and my laughter. But the other day, Kathy's first story stopped me in my tracks. She told me of a co-worker who lost her husband, suddenly. At 31 years of age! A heart problem caused him to collapse... ...and die. ...

Did you see the story about the Mom who put tats on her two young children? She wrote 'Ride or Die' on the hand of one of the kids who was just 12-years old. A permanent tattoo! Are you kidding me? What was funny were the comments following the story. "That's her kid! She can do what she wants!!" Really? Listen, being a parent isn't easy. It's about love, worry, fear, worry, love, concern, worry, love and being scared out of your mind. I must confess that I have become a little like my beautiful wife and my adoring mother-in-law more and more as time moves forward. "What's Matt doing tonight?" "Why does Jake have to go out when it's snowing?" "What time will the boys be home?" "I heard a car in the driveway." Kathy has actually mellowed a bit while I am now trapped in the... "Are they safe?" ...Mode. I can't imagine putting a tat on the hand of my child. Seem...

What is wrong with this guy? He went through rehab during the summer for alcohol. He got busted when someone he was with posted a photo of him drinking. The Browns had to play him because all their other quarterbacks got hurt. He apologized for being a D.B. and talked about how much he wanted to be a great professional player. Evidently he got a concussion a week ago and had to sit down. Well, lo and behold, another photo of him surfaced at another drinking party in Vegas. This is where the D.B. of the Week was clinched: He immediately posted a photo of him with his dog (that poor dog) and put a Cleveland, Ohio stamp on it so that his employers might still think he was in Cleveland. Then he didn't show up for work on Sunday. I know some people who really hate this kid. No matter what happens he acts more immature each and every week. What the hell is going on? He makes millions for throwing a ball and evidently he can't do it without going out and emb...

Have you been following the 'affluenza' story? The "affluenza" kid - Ethan Couch - who was cleared of responsibility in a fatal car wreck because his life of wealth left him unable to discern between right and wrong - was spotted in Mexico last week. His mother was taken into custody. Let's catch up on the story and see if there is anyway we can see it from Ethan's P.O.V. (After all, a judge did!) Back in 2013 Ethan was underage and drunk and speeding near Fort Worth Texas. He crashed the car, killing four people. Using the 'affluenza' defense... he was sentenced to probation!!! People went wild protesting such a sentence. Yet Ethan could not stand the rigors of his probation. There was a photo of him at a party where people were drinking... ...a direct violation of his probation. So Ethan and his loving mother, Tonya, took off for Mexico where they hid out until they made a call for a pizza and were discovered. Mom was deported...

Wasn't real informed on the Oregon mess...a buddy filled me in...and I immediately thought of Mellencamp opening his show with this song. My, My, My. "Lawless Times" - John Mellencamp Well, you can’t trust your neighbor Husband or wife Can’t trust the police With their guns or their knifes Look out for the creepers Tappin’ on your cell phone You’d better lock your door Even when you’re at home My, my, my These are lawless times My, my, my These are lawless times You can’t trust the banks The way that you used to do I hope that Wall Street Has been good to you You can’t trust the priest You’d better watch your behind Don’t look too close at the government Hard tellin’ what you’ll find My, my, my These are lawless times My, my, my These are lawless times Well, I don’t trust myself I don’t trust you Don’t get too sick It’ll be the end of you Don’t expect a helping hand if you fall down And if you want to steal this song It...

I got ready to drop a couple of dopes off at the Bills Stadium so that they could sit in the freezing cold and root, root, root for the Bills to win their final game... ...although it meant absolutely nothing at all. Unless you're a true fan!!! "They're gonna' knock the Jets from the playoffs!" Matt said. "Dopey bastard," I replied. "It's 70 degrees in the house and the couch is nice and soft," I said. "You aren't a true fan!" He said. "Uh, duh," I answered. "Super Bowl win next year!" Matt sang out. "All indications are," I replied. But there they were, putting on their hats, dressing in layers, grabbing the beer that would freeze in their hands. "What do you think of Rex Ryan?" I asked. "He's great," Matt said. "Mario Williams?" "Great player. Gave all he had." Matt knew by now not to concede an inch. "If Belichick ...

My beautiful wife and kids know by now that whenever I say: "Melky hates _____" That I'm usually projecting. Well, Melky hates snow. The New Year's morning storm that brought snow in sheets along with thunder and lightning also brought Melky into the house quickly. Meanwhile, Paris was running through the snow, dipping her nose, loving every minute of it. A lot of people really enjoy snow. I hear from one buddy who lives in the Philly area (Hi Gag)... he always wants to know how bad we're getting hit. "Damn, wish I was there." He's a little like Paris. Weird. And the reasons why I hate snow so much? 1). I don't like being cold. And people say, 'Dress warmer.' Thanks, genius. Never thought of that. Well, I still feel the cold. I spend 10 hours out in it. My feet get wet. It sucks. 2). I hate driving in it. I'm a cautious man. Always have been. When my slightly lunatic brothers used to fly ...

I think that there are plenty of people out there who have to start things over every now and again. Following a divorce, or a loss, or a busted up relationship. Losing a job or a car, or dog, or home. The best part of life is that there's always still hope. In the spot where everything is free. Inside your heart and mind. The first few days of January always make me think about the starting over part of things, and it's silly, actually. The mindset goes like this: "I'm gonna' lose weight, or be careful with money." "I'm gonna' appreciate what I have instead of missing what I don't have." "I'm gonna' drink less, smoke less, exercise more." The hope. The belief that we can do better. Hemmingway said: "True nobility isn't about being better than your fellow man. It's about being better than your former self." And I like that. We should always strive to do more, be better, l...

I certainly used to be a lot more reflective about the years gone by than I am now. I used to compile lists of things I had planned to do as the new year approached. Setting goals is important. Working towards them is important as well. But I spent a lot of years doing just that and it helped me live my life, but there was a bit of a tipping point a while back when my brother Jeff said to me: Why don't you enjoy your life instead of trying to understand it? Sad to say, but I will always try and figure it out on an emotional level, but as you grow older, you learn that sometimes things can't be understood. 2015 was a year of physical pain. I can't tell you how many times I put my work boots on thinking: I shouldn't be going in. But I kept going in...70 percent of life is about showing up. I kept showing up. I do want to take my vacation days in 2016...but its been a lot of years since I've done that! Maybe I'm waiting for the Bills to ma...