Dumbest Thing Ever

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I had to visit beautiful Ellicotville, New York today to hit a job site. As you can see by the above photo the town is home to Holiday Valley Ski Resort.

That's what made me think of the dumbest thing I ever did, and I did it twice.

Men were not made to ski down a hill with big plastic shoes. God never intended us to do it, and while some people think it's the greatest sport, I am of the opinion that it's really, really, really dumb.

And as we know, my opinion is the only one that matters.

You see, the problem started for me about 30 years ago. A lot of my buddies, and most of the good-looking gals were members of the ski club. I wanted to be with them as they went about their fun.

How hard could it be?

So, at the age of 18, and not yet crippled with leg and hip and back injuries, I rented some ski equipment and hooked up with my buddy Jeffy. For good measure we drank a case of beer first.

It didn't do much for my coordination.

I was nearly killed when I fell off the lift and ducked just in time to miss the next chair.

That was the highlight.

I ended up going down the hill with my arms wrapped tightly around Jeff's waist. I can still hear him laughing as I screamed.

So what did I do?

I decided to go again. It was about five years later and I thought it would be a fun date.

So I paid a fortune to rent the equipment and I also paid a king's ransom for the opportunity to head down the hill.

I figured I'd get more for my money if I rolled down.

I'm telling you, I fell 70 times. The dingy broad was trying to give me pointers and I finally snapped at her, begging her to get the hell away from me.

(Our relationship didn't flourish).

Then I lowered my head and allowed gravity to take me down the hill...at 323 MPH.

Visions of Sonny Bono dancing in my head.

You know how I stopped?

I simply lowered my head and hit the ground.

Two hundred feet later, as I came to a halt just under a beautiful tree, a five-year-old laughed at me and iced me with his skis as he glided by.

That kid is around 30 now. If I ever saw him again, I'd beat him with a bat.

So, there you go.

Skiing sucks.

I have spoken.

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