I Can Just Hear You Getting Fatter
As a male in a back-biting environment with friends and brothers that are always ready with the quick put down I have had to arm myself with a couple of fat jokes.
I use them all the time.
Me: Are you losing weight?
Unsuspecting Foe: Yeah, I've lost a few pounds.
Me: You must be a B-cup now.
Or
Me: You have something on your chin.
Unsuspecting foe tries to wipe the imaginary item away.
Me: No, the third one down.
Of course, we live in a sensitive society. We have to watch what we say to one another particularly in a work setting. Of course I work around construction guys most days so the rules sort of don't apply. The other day I watched an ironworker with a bit of girth to him bite into a cheeseburger off the roach coach.
"I can just hear you getting fatter," I said.
That is a David Spade line from one of the greatest movies ever...Tommy Boy. Damn. I miss Farley. Damn I miss the guy I saw it on back-to-back nights with on the weekend it came out.
But anyway, I write all of this because there are reports out that say that 51% of the country will be obese by the year 2030 and that 10 or 12% of those people will be morbidly obese.
I can see it.
Check out an amusement park over the summer. There are some real sausages out there and a few of them still try and get into sexy outfits. That oughta' be against the law.
I've learned a few tricks.
1). Don't tuck your shirt in.
2). Always give your weight at least 15 pounds less than what you are.
3). Use the Farley line: "Not sure if you've noticed: I have what some might consider a weight problem."
4). Wear earplugs to block out the sound of yourself getting fatter.
And the problem is two-fold.
First:
Have you ever seen one of those weight charts?
I'm six-feet tall and 47 years old. According to the chart I should weight between 165 and 175. Ten percent more than that and I'm obese.
P-leeeeeassssseeeeee.
If I weighed 165 people would check me into a hospital. Besides since I'm only 180 right now, I'm not that far off, right?
(I might get a few comments with that last line).
And secondly:
I was at a convenient store this morning and I was a little hungry. There was a basket of Granny Smith apples right next to the Chocolate Chip Muffins that just came out of the oven.
What to do?
What to do?
Let's leave it open here:
Which one did I chose and why?
First correct answer receives a book.
You have to nail my reason for the choice.
I use them all the time.
Me: Are you losing weight?
Unsuspecting Foe: Yeah, I've lost a few pounds.
Me: You must be a B-cup now.
Or
Me: You have something on your chin.
Unsuspecting foe tries to wipe the imaginary item away.
Me: No, the third one down.
Of course, we live in a sensitive society. We have to watch what we say to one another particularly in a work setting. Of course I work around construction guys most days so the rules sort of don't apply. The other day I watched an ironworker with a bit of girth to him bite into a cheeseburger off the roach coach.
"I can just hear you getting fatter," I said.
That is a David Spade line from one of the greatest movies ever...Tommy Boy. Damn. I miss Farley. Damn I miss the guy I saw it on back-to-back nights with on the weekend it came out.
But anyway, I write all of this because there are reports out that say that 51% of the country will be obese by the year 2030 and that 10 or 12% of those people will be morbidly obese.
I can see it.
Check out an amusement park over the summer. There are some real sausages out there and a few of them still try and get into sexy outfits. That oughta' be against the law.
I've learned a few tricks.
1). Don't tuck your shirt in.
2). Always give your weight at least 15 pounds less than what you are.
3). Use the Farley line: "Not sure if you've noticed: I have what some might consider a weight problem."
4). Wear earplugs to block out the sound of yourself getting fatter.
And the problem is two-fold.
First:
Have you ever seen one of those weight charts?
I'm six-feet tall and 47 years old. According to the chart I should weight between 165 and 175. Ten percent more than that and I'm obese.
P-leeeeeassssseeeeee.
If I weighed 165 people would check me into a hospital. Besides since I'm only 180 right now, I'm not that far off, right?
(I might get a few comments with that last line).
And secondly:
I was at a convenient store this morning and I was a little hungry. There was a basket of Granny Smith apples right next to the Chocolate Chip Muffins that just came out of the oven.
What to do?
What to do?
Let's leave it open here:
Which one did I chose and why?
First correct answer receives a book.
You have to nail my reason for the choice.
Comments