I Can Just Hear You Getting Fatter

As a male in a back-biting environment with friends and brothers that are always ready with the quick put down I have had to arm myself with a couple of fat jokes.

I use them all the time.

Me: Are you losing weight?

Unsuspecting Foe: Yeah, I've lost a few pounds.

Me: You must be a B-cup now.

Or

Me: You have something on your chin.

Unsuspecting foe tries to wipe the imaginary item away.

Me: No, the third one down.

Of course, we live in a sensitive society. We have to watch what we say to one another particularly in a work setting. Of course I work around construction guys most days so the rules sort of don't apply. The other day I watched an ironworker with a bit of girth to him bite into a cheeseburger off the roach coach.

"I can just hear you getting fatter," I said.

That is a David Spade line from one of the greatest movies ever...Tommy Boy. Damn. I miss Farley. Damn I miss the guy I saw it on back-to-back nights with on the weekend it came out.

But anyway, I write all of this because there are reports out that say that 51% of the country will be obese by the year 2030 and that 10 or 12% of those people will be morbidly obese.

I can see it.

Check out an amusement park over the summer. There are some real sausages out there and a few of them still try and get into sexy outfits. That oughta' be against the law.

I've learned a few tricks.

1). Don't tuck your shirt in.

2). Always give your weight at least 15 pounds less than what you are.

3). Use the Farley line: "Not sure if you've noticed: I have what some might consider a weight problem."

4). Wear earplugs to block out the sound of yourself getting fatter.

And the problem is two-fold.

First:

Have you ever seen one of those weight charts?

I'm six-feet tall and 47 years old. According to the chart I should weight between 165 and 175. Ten percent more than that and I'm obese.

P-leeeeeassssseeeeee.

If I weighed 165 people would check me into a hospital. Besides since I'm only 180 right now, I'm not that far off, right?

(I might get a few comments with that last line).

And secondly:

I was at a convenient store this morning and I was a little hungry. There was a basket of Granny Smith apples right next to the Chocolate Chip Muffins that just came out of the oven.

What to do?

What to do?

Let's leave it open here:

Which one did I chose and why?

First correct answer receives a book.

You have to nail my reason for the choice.