Dear Santa

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Dear Santa,

My brother called me yesterday and asked me what I wanted for Christmas as he had drawn my name. The question caught me off-guard because I really haven't thought about anything I want. The 27-Time World Champion Yankees aren't the 28-time World Champion Yankees so sadly I don't need a plaque for my front room.

The bottom line being, I have all the material things I need, so Santa baby, there really is no reason to be writing you a letter this year. Unless, that is, you can deliver a few of the things I really need, like:

1). A right leg that doesn't feel like a dead limb. I know we discussed this last Christmas and surgery seemed to be like the present you suggested, but I did that twice. I still feel lousy. Can you get the dim-witted elves on something?

2). A little patience? You got that in your big red bag? Evidently not, I've been asking for it since I wrote my first letter to you at about the age of 6. Every year I look for it: nothing.

3). A decent Bills team? I know you thought it was funny when you brought us four Super Bowl teams that lost each time, but how about one that can make the playoffs.

Is 12 years long enough?

You see, I don't really care, but since we have to pay hundreds of millions in taxes for their 7-game show (3 of which are blacked-out) how about a bonus game each year? There are a bunch of goofy, cold, die-hards who set their lives around these obese criminal bastards fighting for the ball.

4). How about a 70-degree January? Can you get that done? We haven't had a lot of snow yet, but there's quite a bit of time between now and June when I may be able to hit a golf ball without freezing my ass off. What do you say?

5). The new book finished? Can you work on that Santa? I did most of the leg work and I wrote nearly two hundred pages. Can you finish it? All you have to do is hit the sarcastic key a few thousand more times and it'll be ready to go to the publisher.

6). And here's the big one, Santa. It's the one gift I really freaking want this year. I was going to ask my brother for it, but even he can't pull it off. How about one full year free of going to a funeral home to say goodbye to a cherished family member?

Is that at all motherf&*%ing possible?

If not, skip this friggin' house, all right, you fat bastard?

The kids have what they need. The beautiful wife has all she ever dreamed for. The dogs live like kings, I have plenty of stuff to read.

Well, actually, I mentioned a Barnes & Noble gift card to my brother.

"Is that a do-it-yourself home improvement store?" he asked.

Perfect.

Sarcastic.

He might not have been kidding.

Thanks, Santa.

Love, Cliff

PS...Don't waste your valuable time looking for the cookies.

I ate 'em.

Comments

Carrie Lynn Fazzolari said…
Thank You! I know what I want too: How about one full year free of going to a funeral home to say goodbye to a cherished family member?

You rock.
17 December, 2011
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