Replacing Regis
So getting back to work at my long-time job is on the immediate horizon. I am ready...easy goes it, but on the way back.
And in the meantime, the world is calling for me to take a new job:
As Regis' replacement on Regis and Kelly.
Call it Clifford and Kelly.
I suppose I'd have to do it, but there are some problems:
1). I'd have to give up a lot of time with my beautiful wife and spend those moments with Kelly Ripa. We all know that there's no contest there. Ripa is all right.
She ain't no Kathy Fazzolari.
2). I'd have to learn how not to swear. It's live television and television show hosts aren't allowed to say the first word that pops into their minds. Unfortunately for me, every sentence seems to start with 'What the F&^%?'
3). I'd have to fawn over alleged superstars. This may be a major problem as I really don't kiss ass very well.
"So, you've kicked your spousal abuse problem by going through anger management?"
May very well turn into:
"Good morning, you piece of f*&^ing s&*%t, why are you here?"
4). They don't start the show until 9 a.m. Given my present work schedule I may have to grab a second job that starts more in line with the time I get up in the morning. Perhaps I can work on the set or something. You know, help Gelman out a bit.
5). And then there's the problem of the money. Regis made way too much money for sitting there and reading the newspaper. By all accounts, he's a good dude, but I'd shame the rest of them by donating a lot of the cabbage to people who are less fortunate. That would most certainly cause a chain reaction in which all the entertainers making zillions of dollars for easy jobs would have to give back.
6). The other people up for the job are Nick Lachey, Kelly's current husband Mark (that would change if she had to spend a lot of time with me...that relationship is doomed), and Ryan Seacrest.
They are all perceived to be good-looking guys. My emergence on the scene would change what everyone sees as good-looking.
I'm not sure I'm ready for all that sex-symbol attention.
Again.
So, as you see, there is more there than meets the eye as I consider taking the job.
Besides, I have to answer them about hosting the Oscars before I really consider taking over for Regis.
And in the meantime, the world is calling for me to take a new job:
As Regis' replacement on Regis and Kelly.
Call it Clifford and Kelly.
I suppose I'd have to do it, but there are some problems:
1). I'd have to give up a lot of time with my beautiful wife and spend those moments with Kelly Ripa. We all know that there's no contest there. Ripa is all right.
She ain't no Kathy Fazzolari.
2). I'd have to learn how not to swear. It's live television and television show hosts aren't allowed to say the first word that pops into their minds. Unfortunately for me, every sentence seems to start with 'What the F&^%?'
3). I'd have to fawn over alleged superstars. This may be a major problem as I really don't kiss ass very well.
"So, you've kicked your spousal abuse problem by going through anger management?"
May very well turn into:
"Good morning, you piece of f*&^ing s&*%t, why are you here?"
4). They don't start the show until 9 a.m. Given my present work schedule I may have to grab a second job that starts more in line with the time I get up in the morning. Perhaps I can work on the set or something. You know, help Gelman out a bit.
5). And then there's the problem of the money. Regis made way too much money for sitting there and reading the newspaper. By all accounts, he's a good dude, but I'd shame the rest of them by donating a lot of the cabbage to people who are less fortunate. That would most certainly cause a chain reaction in which all the entertainers making zillions of dollars for easy jobs would have to give back.
6). The other people up for the job are Nick Lachey, Kelly's current husband Mark (that would change if she had to spend a lot of time with me...that relationship is doomed), and Ryan Seacrest.
They are all perceived to be good-looking guys. My emergence on the scene would change what everyone sees as good-looking.
I'm not sure I'm ready for all that sex-symbol attention.
Again.
So, as you see, there is more there than meets the eye as I consider taking the job.
Besides, I have to answer them about hosting the Oscars before I really consider taking over for Regis.
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