Other People Kinda' Suck

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You know when you get loaded onto a plane, like cattle, and you are forced to share very limited space with complete strangers, it sort of occurs to you that other people suck, and that no matter if you consider yourself a people-person, you're going to cringe with the thought of actually speaking with them.

I had an I-pod and two books. Listened to the I-pod and read both of the books before my trip was through.

In between, I heard a crying baby. Now, don't get me wrong, I know how difficult it is to keep a baby from crying, but when they do that ear-piercing scream in the middle of a moving airplane, it's aggravating.

"Give that kid a chicken bone," as my Dad used to say.

Then the woman and her husband next to me got to cooing about their love for one another. She kissed his hand at one point, and then he took to rubbing her back as she groaned in delight.

"Care to make it a threesome?" the guy behind me said, and we all laughed. I thought it would put an end to the massage, but the horny old dog kept at it until it got annoying.

Then the guy across the aisle got up to get something out of his bag in the overhead compartment. His big fat ass was directly in my face as he searched through the bag. One minute, two minutes, five minutes.

"Get your ass out of my face!" I nearly screamed.

And the coughing and sneezing, and the smells of someone getting rid of their bag of Ritz crackers.

My God, make it stop!

The flight attendants head from the front to the back of the plane at record speed. Being that I had an aisle seat the attendant with the ass that needed a zip code kept banging into my elbow. Not even a glance back.

The guy three rows ahead kept going to the bathroom. One, two, three, four times. Perhaps he was the one ridding himself of the Ritz crackers.

And so when the plane finally touched down, I was happy to be getting off soon. Yet as we waited - I was at the back end of the plane - everyone stood up as if we would all be able to get off at once. The guy across the aisle raised his now-too-familiar ass in direct line with my face.

I wanted to punch him.

"Other people suck," I mumbled.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Smooth flight," I said.

I hope I never see any of them again.

Comments

Corleone said…
Maybe it was the ass guy's ass that smelled like ritz!
01 February, 2011
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