Thoughts of a Common Man

Television commercials are getting to be wildly offensive, no? The toilet paper commercials are absolutely wild. “Everyone poops,” is the main theme behind one of them, and then a couple of red bears wipe their behinds, and dance. Toilet paper has never made me dance unless there isn’t any left on the roll and the basket that holds the extra rolls is also empty. Worst feeling in the world: Making someone bring you a roll. My brother used to leave it 3’ outside the door and make me hop to it. Then, last night we watched a 90 second commercial about a man’s bent manhood. They demonstrated by showing crooked carrots. The downside of all of it were Penile fractures or non-functioning sperm. “Why am I watching this?” I asked halfway through. “If you were having such a problem wouldn’t you see a doctor anyway? Why would you have to be persuaded by a commercial?” “No clue,” Kathy said. And of course there are the commercials that show a guy or gal on a bike, or climbing a mountain, all smiles...

I’m an optimistic guy by nature. I also open my eyes and immediately go through the anticipated schedule on any given day. Yesterday, I slept a little longer - was 07:00 when I opened my eyes - knew I could stay in bed and read the news of the day because it was Saturday. Started with a story on the baseball lockout. It’s so aggravating to me. The one sport I love isn’t going to start the season on time. Why? Who the hell knows??? Who even wants to read about it? Not me. So, I stopped on the update about the Russian invasion of Ukraine. How does that not make one sick? Death and horror in a far away land because Putin is a mad man. The article I read was a discussion about some of those in politics here saying positive things about the mad man. I quit reading about that too. Next up was an uplifting piece about how we are going to pay more at the pumps and at the grocery store. Corporate greed being the culprit. None of that was being bantered about… …instead it was all about who is to...

Went out to dinner last night. A quaint little diner where they serve fish on Friday. I had broiled fish and it was great. Clam chowder too. We also got a bit of a show. There were three guys seated at the counter and despite the fact they finished up, they sat there just talking. One guy talked and talked and talked. He even sang a few bars of Maggie May and man, Rod Stewart wouldn’t have been happy. But he started spreading wisdom regarding Covid. “I went to a party with four guys. They were all vaccinated. I’m not. They all got Covid within five days. I still haven’t got it! I’m the only guy not vaccinated. I say the vaccination causes Covid.” One of the other guys was skeptical. “I’m telling you! The vaccine makes your immune system weak and next thing you know, you get Covid.” They talked about it for a few more minutes, but soon enough the conversation shifted. “All this political correctness is going to ruin us,” my new favorite diner guest said. “Used to be you could say the sl...

Victor is a great worker. He’s also a good dude. I kid him all the time about being from Siberia, but he is actually from Ukraine. He has lived here in the United States for more than 20 years, but he still has an accent. When he got here, I spent a lot of time trying to teach him about OSHA and construction safety. He’d been in the business over there for a long while, but their safety rules were a tad less than what we have here. A few years back, we spoke about his home land. “I miss being there,” he said. “I worry for everyone because it’s so unstable there, but I built a life here.” Thankfully, things stabilized and he felt better. Not today. And the thing is, I felt sick all day yesterday. Most of America seems indifferent or wants to blame Biden. Hell, some people are actually rooting for Putin. It’s absolutely insane. Tucker Carlson started his show by saying that Putin didn’t do anything to him. That’s like saying that Jeffrey Dahmer was a pretty decent guy because he didn’t k...

There’s just a week left in February and so far I haven’t had as much rage as usual. It’s the worst month of the year. Not even close.  1). The weather is lousy - I’ve screamed “F*€£!” a few mornings this month, but we’ve had a couple of 40 degree days mixed in. And I did have 4 days of better than 80 degrees, so… 2). Sports is in a lull. Football ends in the first week. Baseball has decided to eat itself, and the NBA while being mostly unwatchable, is taking a break. The Olympics, you ask? I watched the Russian who failed the drug test skate, and a couple of curling matches. Doesn’t feel right to root for Russia (I’m not a Republican) and curling is God-awful. 3). Dark and Grey It’s dark when I leave the house. Dark all day because there’s no sun and dark when the work day ends. There’s no way through it until the time passes. Go forward through the dark to the other side of it because that’s where the light is. 4). Training I spend a lot of time doing a lot of talking in front of...

We are hearing a lot about enraged and confrontational airline passengers. I was of the belief that most people get smashed at the airport bars and then they lose their sensibilities when they board the plane, Maybe it’s more than that. I had a 6 a.m. flight scheduled for Monday. I hustled out of bed at 4:00 and jumped in the shower. I heard my phone beep…signaling an incoming text. At 04:05! It was from United: “Your flight is delayed until 08:00 as the crew came in late and needs more rest time.” I went back to bed for another hour of sleep. Then I thought about my connecting flight. (Yeah - no straight flight to Boston!) Another beep. “We re-booked you on a flight that will arrive in Boston at 1 p.m.” “I was supposed to be there at 09:30!” I still needed to go, but all free minutes built into the trip were gone.  “Whole day is going to be a race,” I thought.  Didn’t get back to sleep. The first flight out was delayed again. On the second flight we all boarded the plane and ...

 “Hell, there ain’t no more, now there’s just again.” A great line on aging. We don’t see much for the first time. Now it’s just again. And I read something somewhere. The author explained that the struggle is continuous. Over and over. Until we leave this world. Now there’s just again. The dishwasher clogged. For a few days, I cleaned the dishes by hand. Then my brother-in-law swung by and fixed it in five minutes. Two washes later, the water didn’t drain again. And it’s a never-ending stream of such annoyances. Struggle. I landed in Boston and made my way to Cape Cod. There was an exit for a scenic spot where photos can be snapped. Thought about it… …didn’t have time. And the first time I made it to the Cape I was like it excited. Now it’s just again. It’s a shame that there aren’t a lot of ‘firsts’ left. At work I’ll get a call: “Got a question for you.” I don’t even get anxious if it starts that way… …been doing this so long that there aren’t any new questions. Now there’s just...

Saw a tee-shirt the other day that said: “If it was Russia against the Dems, I’d be rooting for Putin.” The man and woman wearing the shirts were in the rally crowd in a free democracy. Proclaiming that they’d rather be a communist than a democrat. Kind of crazy, no? And as I write this there’s a whole lot of anxiety regarding Russia and the Ukraine. Here’s the thing: Putin wants one thing for America: Destruction. He never has been and never will be a friend to America, and no matter what side of the political aisle you stand on, you must admit that the Russia love is weird. When I was a kid we worried about a Cold War with Russia. Through the years we heard about the atrocities, the bread lines, the banishment to Siberia. Rocky Balboa tried to bring everyone together in Rocky 4 but even that didn’t work. And now? Russia is on the verge of starting a war that will have a detrimental impact on the entire world. And there are news programs championing that effort? Americans are wearing ...

Stood in line behind a man as we both waited for someone to get his lottery tickets. Was a long wait. The man in front of me was wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat. He wanted to chat. I was nervous about that. “I don’t buy lottery tickets,” he said, “But I do like playing the slots. Do you?” I laughed. “Yeah, now and again. I work hard for my money though, I get anxious putting it in a machine to try and win it back.” The old guy laughed at that. Then he opened his jacket to show me that he was wearing a tee-shirt that told me that he won a jackpot at the Hamburg race track. “Ten grand,” he whispered. “I won a similar amount years ago,” I said. “Bet my story is better than yours,” he said. “I hit for ten grand and was waiting for the guy to pay me. My wife was seated right beside me.” He stopped speaking and bowed his head. “I get sad when I tell this story. I lost my wife just a few months ago.” “Sorry to hear that,” I said. “Elaine was 78. I’m 80. We were married for 53 years.”...

Peacock is carrying a great series that chronicles the splendid career of Joe Montana, the second greatest quarterback who ever lived. I was fortunate enough to have seen his entire career and I watched him play live twice. Once at Candlestick Park - which was really quite awesome. Montana was a rare athlete in that everyone loved him… …even when his team was beating your brains out. It seemed that he was always smiling, and man, he was so great. I knew all of that before I started watching the series. There was a lot I didn’t know. 1). He was a small guy when compared to the quarterbacks who play now. He was getting hit hard too, as QB’s used to get demolished. He was at a team event and was in shorts - his legs were pencil thin. 2). His career and personal life were lived clean. A neatly 40-year marriage, four kids, zero controversy ever. Even without the super stardom it’s a well-lived life. 3). Joe was certainly always smiling. He smiled through much of the telling of his story, bu...

I usually hit a store every other day at least for something. Evidently no one else at Camp Clifford knows where the stores are in these parts. “If you go to the store today can you grab me a deodorant?” One of the campers texted to me. It has suddenly occurred to me that they understand that the guy who swings by the store is the one who has to pay. And man, we’re certainly paying, right? There are reports of heavy inflation being the cause and it’s on a global scale. But it doesn’t addd up as simple inflation. Not with corporations making record profits… …instead it stinks of outright price gouging which is unconscionable. My, my, my these are lawless times. I actually checked myself out at a supermarket the other day and I begrudgingly picked up bacon for the BLT subs I was making. A pound of bacon was listed at $8.00. When I scanned it the price that came up was $10.99 For bacon! A pound of cold cuts runs at least $6.00 Swing by McDonalds… …one of their grease burgers runs at least...

Pitchers & catchers were supposed to report on Tuesday. They didn’t because the players are being locked out by the owners… …for what? Who knows? There’s some argument over the luxury tax penalties and the thing that the casual fan yells is that “there needs to be a salary cap!” The tax threshold has been a cap! To all teams other than the Dodgers. What is needed is a floor. Baltimore has a payroll that is less than the salary for about ten individual players. They get 5 times as much in profit sharing and it goes straight into their pocket. Then they field a Triple A team. Tampa won the division last year because they went 18-1 against Baltimore. But here’s the thing: The casual fan doesn’t care!!  Doesn’t even know what they’re fighting about!!! Fix it! You’re a billion dollar industry. We don’t care how you split up the money… …just put a product on the field. Want to fix the sport? Stop messing with the ball. Shit-can the shift. Cap the number of pitchers a team can carry s...

There are some long-winded commercials on day-time television. I normally put on either ‘Blue Bloods’ or ‘King of Queens’ as I write afternoon reports and nothing sends me scrambling for the remote faster than Jimmy J.J. Walker talking about something. They must’ve told him to be funny because he uses his Dynomite catch-phrase and he also yells “Money!” in some sort of cartoonish voice that drives me crazy! There’s also Tom Selleck telling me all about ‘Reverse Mortgages’ and his entire pitch to senior citizens seems to be: “We aren’t stealing your money.” Then there is one that tugs on my heart strings with the kids from St. Jude Hospital. Man, I want to donate to get that adorable blanket. But the commercial that has recently caught my ear has been on the radio. I don’t know what the product is but it’s a husband and wife using code words for when the kids are around and they want to have sex instead of what they’re doing. “Let’s feed the cat,” the wife says. Really???? That’s the co...

Every once in a blue moon you run across a show about a guy or a gal who lives their entire life as a con. Kathy had a show on about this dude who romanced and married vulnerable women who had a bit of cash. He was actually married to two women at the same time and pulled it all off by making both of the women take out multiple mortgages on their homes so he could work on his projects that would soon have them living in the lap of luxury. Those types of stories amaze me for a couple of reasons: 1). The women who get swindled are usually the ones telling this story. Aren’t they embarrassed? One lady lost $300,000 to the guy. The other woman he was married to lost $400,000. 2). And the guy; Doesn’t he get exhausted trying to keep it all straight? How much energy does one put into keeping the lies straight? He married two women in the same year! They didn’t know anything about each other. Then he got busted when wife one found a photo of him holding a baby. In the end, the man lost the ci...

I wanted to not be an old guy who was shouting “Get off my lawn” during the halftime show. Who doesn’t smile when you see Snoop? He’s a cool guy. But I was watching with my 21-year-old son who knew who everyone was. “I don’t understand what they’re singing,” I said. And that was my main problem with it all. I know Kendrick Lamar and Eminem. Couldn’t understand a word. But here’s the thing: I wanted it to be a polarizing show for the people who are of the ‘get off my lawn’ crowd. Eminem knelt down. The NFL had asked him not to. That was going to guarantee that he did. The halftime show is a tough gig for anyone. The Stones were good, I thought The Who, Bruce, Tom Petty and McCartney were all good… …but here’s the thing… …that’s the music I like! I didn’t care for the halftime show this year because I didn’t recognize any of it. It didn’t bother me either. It most certainly bothered other people, and only because it was a show by black men and women. Those are absolutely entertaining com...

The NFL owns Sunday from September through February. I would consider myself to be a casual fan of the sport after once being a rabid fanatic of the Bills. Of course those 4 Super Bowls back in the 90’s are forever ingrained in my mind and the Bills lost them all. Usually I have a rooting interest in the game. For instance, last year I wanted Tompa to win and they pounded the Chiefs. Through the 2000’s I rooted for New England every time, but thinking about past Super Bowls (not including the Bills as participants, these are the ones I recall easily: 1). 49ers over the Dolphins - it was Marino’s first year and only Bowl appearance. The Niners won big. I remember the game because we were snowed in at college.  What a freaking party! 2). Raiders over Eagles - 1980 - the Barking Lions were all together at Russ’ house. The game was another weak one, but I certainly loved that party. 3). Patriots over Panthers - won $3,000 on a square. We had bought all of our squares but my brother Jef...

February 11, 1990 One of those nights I can recall in vivid detail and there was absolutely zero reason to expect that it would be a memorable night. Mike Tyson, the heavyweight champion, was fighting another tomato can, Buster Douglas, in Japan. There was no reason to even want to watch the fight. Tyson was going to take him out in the first round. Guaranteed! Now, the thing about it is that Tyson had taken the boxing world by storm. We had paid good money to watch him knock out one guy after another. Michael Spinks was a great hope for all of us who wanted to see Tyson lose. Iron Mike knocked him out in the first round. Same thing happened, again and again. Buster Douglas? Never heard of him. We were gathered at the big house on the hill. We talked Mom into watching it. Buster not only survived round one, he thrived, but not one of us believed that he would survive much longer. Then the impossible happened; Buster put Tyson on his ass! That’s when everyone in the gathering exploded w...

First off, one of the things that aggravates me is that a reporter or a politician will sit on an incriminating story to save it to try and sell a book. But let’s go through a couple of things: Hillary Clinton was absolutely destroyed over emails on a home server. This week we found out that: 1). Members of the GOP were using burner phones to coordinate January 6th. 2). The former guy took box after box after box of classified information out of the White House.  3). The call logs from January 6th were destroyed. 4). He ripped up documents. Really sensitive documents were chewed. Others were crumpled and flushed in the private bathroom. So many documents, so it seems, that the toilet was clogged. On numerous occasions. It seems to me that the information being released now - on an hourly basis - makes Watergate look like a petty crime. So… …now what? The crimes are being normalized. No other past President has stood up and confessed to challenging a free and fair election. None hav...

Stopped at a pizza joint for a slice for lunch. I was on Elmwood Avenue in Buffalo and the 40-degree weather brought everyone out. There were people riding bikes! As I entered the place a disheveled black man with a “Jesus Saves” sign wandered over to the door. “Good afternoon,” I said. “Can I speak with you a minute?” He asked. “I’m grabbing lunch,” I said. I didn’t want to be rude, but he wasn’t giving me the best sort of feeling, and I smelled booze. “I’m gonna’ get you ready,” he said. I ducked into the store and waited on line before getting a slice and a root beer. It took me a minute and I was hoping that my new friend was on his way. No such luck. “Gonna’ get you ready,” he said, as I stepped out onto the sidewalk. Truth be told, I hadn’t seen him coming so I nearly jumped clear of my skin. “Ready for what?” I asked. He stepped closer. He was definitely plastered. “He’s coming back! Have you been born again?” “Just the once,” I said. I was backpedaling. “You NEED to be born aga...

I have a new first thing to do every time I open my eyes. Wordle. And it’s a good little game. For the uninitiated, you try and figure out a 5-letter word with 6 guesses. I always start with ‘Lucid’ and hope that I get a couple of letters and hopefully one in the right place. Someday I hope they choose ‘Lucid’ and I get it on the first guess. I’ve only missed twice. Once was on day one when I didn’t know what I was doing and then I blew a 20 day win streak. I don’t even remember the word. The guy who came up with the game has sold it to the New York Times. Good for him. Probably not so good for us. I can’t even read a New York Times article without paying for it. I doubt they’ll allow everyone to have Wordle for free for long. It’ll probably cost us $30 a day to take a guess at a word. Here’s the other thing that’s weird: I usually hate puzzles and there have been moments when I’ve felt uncomfortable being patient as I took my guesses, but it’s only once a day. Five minutes of fun. For...

Oliver was genuinely confused when he saw me. I’m sure that 4 days of separation for a puppy really makes him wonder. Didn’t take him long to get back into the swing of aggravating the hell out of me. The house was clean!  Laundry was under control!! I don’t think they ate very well while I was gone, but I did! Miller and Paris were both sound asleep when I showed up. A cat never wants to show affection. They purposely act aloof, but Millsie warmed up as well. He came by about 15 minutes after I arrived and just a casual brush against my leg told me: “Good to see you, dude.” Paris was the last pet to make an appearance, but my 12-year-old companion was all over me. For quite awhile. As for the family? My beautiful wife was truly chatty. We even watched a figure skater. The boys? “What’s up?” Good enough. Felt good to be home. I tried to get into a bit of a routine, quickly… …even looking forward to work. Time to get back at it. Visions of long drives and miracle putts dancing in my...

I have a unique ability to be able to recall all my golf shots on any given round.  (One guy in our group can recall all the shots for all the guys in the 4-some). Anyway, I had a bone to pick with a couple of par 5’s and most of the putting greens. Golf is a lot like life - you gotta’ focus and concentrate. I pumped my fist like I won the Master’s when my birdie putt fell on hole 6, as the guys with me groaned. And man, I took a lot of photos of the club this time around. I would stand on a green and look back and think, “Damn, it’s kind of perfect.” Back to reality today, and the clubs will sit in the storage room for another 60-70 days. We had a wonderful time. Hope I’m not back cursing life by Wednesday, but I needed that… …going to miss the 3-egg omelettes and the selection of fruits and desserts each morning… …but I’ll adjust! I highly recommend just getting away and having fun however you do it… …at least once a year!

We hit the links again and while the putting show I put on was one for the ages, as per usual, I had a lot of clear-headed thinking out there. And I thought about guys who make the fun happen, like the man on the tee. We talked excitedly of this trip for over a month, and man, we have laughed a lot.  With each other. At each other. A lot of reminiscing, but a lot of moving forward.  Most of us have known one another for more than 25 years.  There’s a lot of life that goes into that.  Not all of it great. This weekend has been great. I made a Bolagnese sauce for the pasta, and I filled heaping plates for 7 guys. There was not a single rigatoni wasted. I thought of my Dad all through that as I cooked, and as I saw the plates get cleaned. But that dinner was also something else because we sat around that table, long after the food was gone, just roaring with laughter. And as I tend to do, I felt a twinge of sadness as I wondered about how many more times we could make i...

 Had an interesting conversation with one of the guys on the golfing foursome on day 2 of the little trip. “We can’t possibly aspire to do this every day after we retire.” I was shocked! “Of course. We can!” “You’d get bored,” he said. “Wake up, go to breakfast, play mediocre golf, go to dinner. Eh. Playing a few days now is great but no way can this be a full-time gig.” I hadn’t even considered it for a moment. This is a trip to paradise for me, but he’s probably right. Even at 57 years old, I don’t know how I’m going to feel after 4 straight days of playing.  I currently feel like the tin man before he met Dorothy and we only played twice. But live from the course: I birdied the second hole with a chip in from well off the green and that was roundly booed from the other guys. (Cause I don’t shut up about it) But the sand got me a few times. Nice courses have a lot of sand traps. Bastards.  Pray that I can move around today!

The day before I left on my mini golf vacation, my wife helped me try to get my back in order. The massage gun, CBD oils, Icy Hot. “This won’t be good,” I said. We are at the driving range in the above photo. 80 degrees - sweating - I hit a few. “I might be all right.” The ball was coming off the club okay and I wasn’t feeling crippling pain. We started!  I parred the first hole. Great drive on two. Parred that one as well. “This is weird.” Got weirder when I parred #3. Then the ranger came by. I thought he was going to congratulate me on my excellent play. He asked me to tuck in my shirt! Bah! Promptly double-bogeyed four. But all-in-all I played well and I had plenty of ammunition to aggravate the guys I played with. For example: The waitress came to the table to take our drink order. When she got to me I said: “I’ll have a water. Did you happen to hear that I parred the first 3 holes?” The roar from the table was worth the back pain. More fun today!

I’m taking some time away from work. Something I don’t do nearly enough, and this time I wanted to make sure that there were more than a few days involved. A vacation doesn’t work if it’s only a long weekend at a time. There’s a disassociation that needs to happen to clear the mind and body. Started it all with a backache that won’t quit, and on Monday I still felt the pull from work. I felt a little better on Tuesday but thought a lot about not sitting still and love. And hate. I have a tendency to not relax. It’s hard for me to sit and watch a half hour show without getting up for something. I was making a frittata (yeah) when my phone chimed. News of Tom Brady officially retiring after a couple of days of wild speculation. That’s where the hate came in. My God!  You’d think Brady was responsible for an insurrection that involved overthrowing the Democracy. He’s definitely more hated than the guy who tried that! Just vile, nasty comments. I think it’s a shame. He was good at his ...

I lived in Baltimore for 10 months.  It was the best summer of my life. Hung around the pool where a beautiful life guard hung out. Played tennis everyday. Ate like a king. Drank like a Viking. Went to 40 Orioles games. And read the Baltimore Sun every single day. I had it delivered and didn’t do much before I read it from cover to cover. On Monday I stumbled across the news story that spoke of the “Last Run of the Baltimore Sun.” Saddens me. The thing is, I recently stopped buying the Buffalo News on a daily basis because the price went up 100%. And I get it. People aren’t buying the paper anymore. Everything is right there on the phone. We all get alerts the instant something happens. A daily newspaper can’t compete with the instant news. But the Tom Brady retirement fiasco highlights the problem of instant news. We still aren’t sure if he is actually retiring, but every major outlet is reporting it. A newspaper writer had time to break down a story. There were always great colum...