Medical Proxy

So, went through the pre-op for my upcoming hip surgery. There were a couple of surprises.

"Will I be out by Thanksgiving dinner?" I asked the helpful nurse.

"Depends on what he sees. If he wants to go ahead and replace the hip, probably not."

"Replace it? I thought I was just fixing a muscle," I said.

"Maybe. He'll know when he sees the damage. You got a good tear."

I thought about that for a moment.

"Who's making that decision?" I asked.

"You have a proxy form filled out?" She asked.

I shrugged.

"Is that something my wife is in charge of?"

She laughed.

"Most likely."

"I'm not allowed to rent a movie without permission," I said. "So, I'd imagine."

I got another laugh.

So, there it is. My old hip is in the hands of a woman that I hadn't even met 25 years ago.

Weird. Right?

Yet the even bigger conversation was coming.

"So, if something else happens what do you want me to do," Kathy asked. "Yank the freaking plug?"

"Yeah, yank it now," I said. "And don't try none of your shit when I'm out. I don't want to wake up with a new hip and neutered."

"I'm in charge," she said.

As if there were something different going on.

"I should get a power of attorney too," she said.

"Why? You've worked it so you have every nickel now, what else do you want?"

"Oh there might be something," she said.

So.

Here we go.

I keep imagining that nurse and my wife in a fit of laughter as it all goes down.

"Poor bastard ain't got a dime and I had them change his entire bottom half into titanium."

Hahahahahahaha