How Wine Was Invented
Got into a general discussion this week about Adam & Eve and that fateful conversation in the garden.
I don't blame Adam. I really don't.
The poor bastard never stood a chance.
He was most certainly lounging a bit, just thinking about relaxing, fermenting a bit of the grape, perhaps fashioning a weapon to chase down one of those animals to perhaps grill a steak...and Eve was walking around there completely nude...so why not give her a bit of attention? But later. After nap.
And then she started yakking about the apple tree.
"Why can't we eat off that tree? Does that sound right to you? I mean who said that He gets to make all the rules? I swear to God, Adam, you have to learn to think for yourself. You're letting Him take advantage of you, and you just sit there. Hey, do you know what happened to me when I went over by the stream? I saw a snake. Anywhoha...we got to talking."
Adam closes his eyes.
He's thinking: "Just a little sleep."
"Did you hear me? The snake said that the apples off that tree are really sweet and that God is just showing you who the boss really is. He doesn't really care if we eat the apples. He's just teasing us, and we don't deserve to be teased. What did we do? Are you listening to me, Adam. Are you?"
Adam rolls a bit of grass into two tiny balls and shoves them in his ears. Yet sleep just won't come.
"I gotta' tell you, you're a real beauty, Adam. Just laying there looking up at the blue sky and listening to the chirping birds. Don't you want more out of your life? They say this is paradise, but yet we can't eat the apple, tell me why. Can you tell me why? Adam, are you listening?"
Adam rolls onto his side.
Maybe if I don't look at her I won't want her, and if I don't want her I won't hear her.
"I'm telling you, there's something special about those apples. I bet they're like sunshine in every single bite. I bet he keeps them for himself and thinks we'll just take it. We aren't gonna' take it, Adam, are we?"
It's too much.
Adam stands up quickly as if he's been shot out of a cannon.
"Where's the f%&&*ng tree?" He asks.
"Is it that one?"
He stands before the tree.
"Do it, do it, do it!" Eve says. She bats her eyes for emphasis. Adam sees the smile. Best of all, she's quiet. He grabs the apple, takes a bite and hears the immediate thunderclap. He falls to the ground as God's voice booms through the clouds.
"I told him not to do it," Eve says. "I don't know why he bit the apple."
She scrambles around and grabs a fig leave and covers up all the good stuff.
"Some-a-na-bitch," Adam growls as they are banished to a life of utter aggravation and create the sin that we are all still paying.
God exits leaving Adam and Eve alone to their never-ending shame. Adam falls to the ground and closes his eyes...just as it begins again.
"Don't you think that it's stupid that we couldn't eat the apple. But I'm telling you one thing, Mister, you shouldn't of done it, and if you think you're gonna' see me without leaves on again, you're out of your mind. Why did you eat the apple, Adam? I swear to God, you're a a real loser sometimes. I'm gonna' go talk to the snake. At least he makes sense of things."
And that's how wine was invented, folks.
Adam got it done later in the day.
And he got absolutely blasted that night.
I don't blame Adam. I really don't.
The poor bastard never stood a chance.
He was most certainly lounging a bit, just thinking about relaxing, fermenting a bit of the grape, perhaps fashioning a weapon to chase down one of those animals to perhaps grill a steak...and Eve was walking around there completely nude...so why not give her a bit of attention? But later. After nap.
And then she started yakking about the apple tree.
"Why can't we eat off that tree? Does that sound right to you? I mean who said that He gets to make all the rules? I swear to God, Adam, you have to learn to think for yourself. You're letting Him take advantage of you, and you just sit there. Hey, do you know what happened to me when I went over by the stream? I saw a snake. Anywhoha...we got to talking."
Adam closes his eyes.
He's thinking: "Just a little sleep."
"Did you hear me? The snake said that the apples off that tree are really sweet and that God is just showing you who the boss really is. He doesn't really care if we eat the apples. He's just teasing us, and we don't deserve to be teased. What did we do? Are you listening to me, Adam. Are you?"
Adam rolls a bit of grass into two tiny balls and shoves them in his ears. Yet sleep just won't come.
"I gotta' tell you, you're a real beauty, Adam. Just laying there looking up at the blue sky and listening to the chirping birds. Don't you want more out of your life? They say this is paradise, but yet we can't eat the apple, tell me why. Can you tell me why? Adam, are you listening?"
Adam rolls onto his side.
Maybe if I don't look at her I won't want her, and if I don't want her I won't hear her.
"I'm telling you, there's something special about those apples. I bet they're like sunshine in every single bite. I bet he keeps them for himself and thinks we'll just take it. We aren't gonna' take it, Adam, are we?"
It's too much.
Adam stands up quickly as if he's been shot out of a cannon.
"Where's the f%&&*ng tree?" He asks.
"Is it that one?"
He stands before the tree.
"Do it, do it, do it!" Eve says. She bats her eyes for emphasis. Adam sees the smile. Best of all, she's quiet. He grabs the apple, takes a bite and hears the immediate thunderclap. He falls to the ground as God's voice booms through the clouds.
"I told him not to do it," Eve says. "I don't know why he bit the apple."
She scrambles around and grabs a fig leave and covers up all the good stuff.
"Some-a-na-bitch," Adam growls as they are banished to a life of utter aggravation and create the sin that we are all still paying.
God exits leaving Adam and Eve alone to their never-ending shame. Adam falls to the ground and closes his eyes...just as it begins again.
"Don't you think that it's stupid that we couldn't eat the apple. But I'm telling you one thing, Mister, you shouldn't of done it, and if you think you're gonna' see me without leaves on again, you're out of your mind. Why did you eat the apple, Adam? I swear to God, you're a a real loser sometimes. I'm gonna' go talk to the snake. At least he makes sense of things."
And that's how wine was invented, folks.
Adam got it done later in the day.
And he got absolutely blasted that night.
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