Anyone You Want to Be
I was listening to the Jay Thomas Show on Friday morning and of course they were in on the Manti Te'o story, making fun of how goofy the kid sounded as he got fooled by his 'girlfriend' who may have actually been a man. I love Jay, believing that our senses of humor are similar but he seemed as confused as I felt.
How can someone be tricked so badly?
The one nagging question for me being that if you truly love someone and there's trouble in their lives don't you try and help them?
Whatever...the story is a dead-issue to me. The kid is a dopey bastard. He should be just fine making a king's ransom chasing someone carrying A BALL.
What got me about it is the way that social media plays such a role these days.
I like to consider myself a Facebook Artist. If I could, I'd add it to my resume. There are a few things I look for:
1). FEEDING THE MACHINE
I love finding someone who is amped up on a issue. The issue isn't important. What's essential is knowing that these are truly vulnerable people. I like to jump all over them with the completely opposite opinion. The goal, of course, is to make their head explode. When I find myself in this circle I'll usually give them 3 or 4 counter points and wait until they are writing their messages back in all caps and then I'll mention that I don't really care.
2). STARTING THE FIGHT
Life can be tiresome. When I feel that the Facebook conversation is lagging, I'll actually pick the fight. This gets a lot of people into the conversation. It truly doesn't take much. The other night, after the Sabres first loss of the season I wrote just a seven-word message:
The Sabres are tied for last place.
Not sure that I should throw out such inflammatory comments in such a trigger-happy society, but forks don't make people fat, right? Which brings me to the next one:
3). CORRECTING THE MORONS
This can be a full-time job if you allow it to be. There is so much misinformation out there that people accept as fact that if I wanted to I could just stay on all day writing the counter-points. Of course, we can all be fact-checked as well, and I know that while I've never truly made a mistake, I can honestly emphasize a bit when I need to really make a point. Usually you can slide one by.
4). OLD FRIENDS
This may actually be my favorite category. I love reaching out and making a connection with someone I got drunk with and ate goldfish at an old frat party...it's really cool to see how it all worked out for them...especially if they are trying to be ultra-serious about raising their kids right or something inane like that.
"I'm worried about my son heading off into the real world," they might say.
"You didn't seem worried when you were pounding goldfish in a pool of your old vomit thirty years ago," I'll write.
This usually gets the desired LMFAO answer.
5). TIRED OLD LINES
My Dad had a million one-liners. My brothers and friends are all very funny people. They usually don't visit these types of sites so I do what all writers do best - I steal their shit - I absolutely love making people laugh with a well-placed sentence, and I spend a lot of my social media time looking for just the right line.
Truth be told, as well, I think of my brother Jeff and what an absolute dynamo he would have been on the social media sites. I think hard about holding back a line and then I hear his voice in my ear.
Do it! That's hilarious!! F&*K em, if they can't take a joke.
So I hit the send button.
6). THE CRAFTY BASTARDS
Dad once told me that I should stay away from those who are smarter than me. There are actually folks out there who know how to do really clever things like put my head on the body of other people caught in really compromising positions. (Yeah, you, Renaldo).
The best thing to do in those instances is to laugh, and then retreat. I know when I'm beat. I don't send a snarky response in that situation. If I did I'd end up with a whole book filled with such images.
Oh, that's right. I already have one of those.
Crafty bastard.
7). THE SCAMS
All right. I own a mirror.
If a 20-year-old woman with a supermodel body tells me how much she wants me and admires me, I'm heading for the hills. My own beautiful wife doesn't even want me in such a manner, and besides who can truly compete with Kathy Fazzolari anyway?
If someone mentions that I can get rich while working three hours a week, I'm out.
When it starts with: 'Eat all you want and still lose weight,' I scroll right on by. I eat all I want and I'm husky.
That's how that works.
You have a billion dollars that you need me to help you get from a bank in an oppressive country and all I need to do is send you a check for the bank fees and then you'll split it with me?
Really? People fall for that crap?
And don't tell me about the woman who was crafty enough to break free from the bad guys in the Wal-Mart parking lot, or any of those other urban legends.
I'm too smart for those.
Then again, I seem to be falling hard for a beautiful Hawaiian woman named Hakuna Mattata.
She says she loves me.
How can someone be tricked so badly?
The one nagging question for me being that if you truly love someone and there's trouble in their lives don't you try and help them?
Whatever...the story is a dead-issue to me. The kid is a dopey bastard. He should be just fine making a king's ransom chasing someone carrying A BALL.
What got me about it is the way that social media plays such a role these days.
I like to consider myself a Facebook Artist. If I could, I'd add it to my resume. There are a few things I look for:
1). FEEDING THE MACHINE
I love finding someone who is amped up on a issue. The issue isn't important. What's essential is knowing that these are truly vulnerable people. I like to jump all over them with the completely opposite opinion. The goal, of course, is to make their head explode. When I find myself in this circle I'll usually give them 3 or 4 counter points and wait until they are writing their messages back in all caps and then I'll mention that I don't really care.
2). STARTING THE FIGHT
Life can be tiresome. When I feel that the Facebook conversation is lagging, I'll actually pick the fight. This gets a lot of people into the conversation. It truly doesn't take much. The other night, after the Sabres first loss of the season I wrote just a seven-word message:
The Sabres are tied for last place.
Not sure that I should throw out such inflammatory comments in such a trigger-happy society, but forks don't make people fat, right? Which brings me to the next one:
3). CORRECTING THE MORONS
This can be a full-time job if you allow it to be. There is so much misinformation out there that people accept as fact that if I wanted to I could just stay on all day writing the counter-points. Of course, we can all be fact-checked as well, and I know that while I've never truly made a mistake, I can honestly emphasize a bit when I need to really make a point. Usually you can slide one by.
4). OLD FRIENDS
This may actually be my favorite category. I love reaching out and making a connection with someone I got drunk with and ate goldfish at an old frat party...it's really cool to see how it all worked out for them...especially if they are trying to be ultra-serious about raising their kids right or something inane like that.
"I'm worried about my son heading off into the real world," they might say.
"You didn't seem worried when you were pounding goldfish in a pool of your old vomit thirty years ago," I'll write.
This usually gets the desired LMFAO answer.
5). TIRED OLD LINES
My Dad had a million one-liners. My brothers and friends are all very funny people. They usually don't visit these types of sites so I do what all writers do best - I steal their shit - I absolutely love making people laugh with a well-placed sentence, and I spend a lot of my social media time looking for just the right line.
Truth be told, as well, I think of my brother Jeff and what an absolute dynamo he would have been on the social media sites. I think hard about holding back a line and then I hear his voice in my ear.
Do it! That's hilarious!! F&*K em, if they can't take a joke.
So I hit the send button.
6). THE CRAFTY BASTARDS
Dad once told me that I should stay away from those who are smarter than me. There are actually folks out there who know how to do really clever things like put my head on the body of other people caught in really compromising positions. (Yeah, you, Renaldo).
The best thing to do in those instances is to laugh, and then retreat. I know when I'm beat. I don't send a snarky response in that situation. If I did I'd end up with a whole book filled with such images.
Oh, that's right. I already have one of those.
Crafty bastard.
7). THE SCAMS
All right. I own a mirror.
If a 20-year-old woman with a supermodel body tells me how much she wants me and admires me, I'm heading for the hills. My own beautiful wife doesn't even want me in such a manner, and besides who can truly compete with Kathy Fazzolari anyway?
If someone mentions that I can get rich while working three hours a week, I'm out.
When it starts with: 'Eat all you want and still lose weight,' I scroll right on by. I eat all I want and I'm husky.
That's how that works.
You have a billion dollars that you need me to help you get from a bank in an oppressive country and all I need to do is send you a check for the bank fees and then you'll split it with me?
Really? People fall for that crap?
And don't tell me about the woman who was crafty enough to break free from the bad guys in the Wal-Mart parking lot, or any of those other urban legends.
I'm too smart for those.
Then again, I seem to be falling hard for a beautiful Hawaiian woman named Hakuna Mattata.
She says she loves me.
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