I Need Advice

-
I drive around a lot so there's plenty of time to listen to talk radio.

My current playlist looks like this:

Howard and/or Opie & Jim in the morning. Howard is on so rarely these days that I've learned to like Opie & Jim now that the racist Anthony has been kicked to the curb.

By 10 a.m. I switch to either Dan Patrick or um...my beautiful wife laughs at this...Jenny McCarthy.

(Hey I gotta' keep up with what the women are thinking).

By noon I'm a little lost. I usually go to the MLB Station or switch to E-Street Radio for a bit of Bruce.

All in all...I can't live without Sirius radio.

Anywhoha...

On Friday I was a little busy when Jenny ended and I never switched the station to Bruce.

I was trapped listening to Dr. Laura for a moment.

My husband is a sex addict, the woman began.

Who isn't? I thought.

He's NOT an addict! Dr. Laura scolded. But tell me why you think so.

He spends a lot of time on the computer.

Does he neglect you? Laura asked.

Well, no. We have an active sex life, but he has hundreds of porn tapes and he masturbates more than once every day, I'm sure of it.

(Time-Out - would you call a national radio show and go on record to tell the world that your spouse is a masturbating, porn-addicted, piece of garbage?).

Answer that on your own.

So what's the problem? Laura asked. (she's not really a doctor). You're getting yours and he's getting his and then some.

Laura offered that annoying laugh.

Well, the money, the shameless lady said. He did all this on his work computer and now the company wants to be reimbursed. We can't afford to pay off the $7,000 he owes the company.

Time-Out

7 grand!

On his work account!!

Definitely not a genius!!!

So...what pearls of wisdom did Laura offer?

We took away his computer and phone. He's gonna' go visit the local priest and maybe go to therapy, the woman said.

All great things, Laura said.

Time-Out

I quit.

I flipped the station to E-Street Radio.

Bruce was singing She's the One.

I thought about that marriage.

That poor guy.

She took his phone away and zapped his Internet account.

She's gotta' be bashing him over the head with it on a daily basis...hell...she announced it on national radio!

That's enough to drive a guy to a life of porn.

They should have just castrated him.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Suits

-
Like a lot of other people we got pulled into the series, ‘Suits’ on Netflix. I’ve never had much fun hanging around lawyers who have questioned me as a construction safety officer. I once testified in a case where the opposing lawyer started questioning me by going through my educational background. “So,” he said, racing to a crescendo, “You graduated from college with a degree in Communications-Journalism and suddenly, 30 years later, you’re a ‘safety expert.’” He actually made the quotation marks with his fingers. I just looked at him. “How does that happen?” He bellowed, sure that he was going to discredit me. “Well,” I said. “I knew I was overqualified to become a lawyer.” The courtroom erupted in laughter. Even the judge chuckled. The rest of his questions landed flat. So, I wasn’t all that keen on a show about lawyers, but ‘Suits’ is great. Meghan Markle became a princess because of the show, and she is very good in it (and a beautiful woman). Yet, there is so much more. The wri
Read more

My Buddy, Dave

-
Way back in 1997, I started working with a steel erection company out of Syracuse. I was coming straight from a long stint with a steel erector here in Buffalo so I knew my stuff when it came to steel erection safety rules. On day one, I met with the safety director and he was just getting started as a safety guy, but man, he certainly cared about the guys he worked with. Dave was a good man from the start. He’d say things like: “You’re so full of beans.” Just a down to earth, hardworking guy who became a fast friend. We drove all around New York State setting up jobs. I always let Dave drive so that I could rest. One fine day, way up North of Syracuse, we passed a state trooper.  I glanced at the speedometer. “You’re screwed,” I said, and seconds later, the lights came on. Dave was beside himself.  The cop stopped by the window, grabbed the license and registration and headed back to his vehicle. “Here’s the thing,” I said. “You’re pissed, but you’re such a good guy that I bet you tha
Read more

Mom & Ollie

-
Image
 Ollie Stadium is a mess. The heavy rains rendered the backyard a mud pit and even though we threw in the side yard, the Big O was looking for more, and we were both covered in mud. I had to take some steam out of him somehow so I suggested we go visit Grandma. Ollie hates the car, but he laid quietly as we made the trip. We even brought the football because there is plenty of room to play at Grandma’s. Mom opened the door and started laughing. I thought about the love she had for every single dog we ever had. Oliver was quick to give my Mom a kiss, and then he stood beside her. The love between Mom and Dogs is a mutual bond. Through the years, Mom would make breakfast for the dogs.  Fried eggs, toast, bacon… She would wrap Christmas gifts for them. “To Jeter, Love Santa,” she would write on the cards. They played with the big chicken that made a lot of noise. Mom tossed the football and Ollie brought it back to her. As the visit drew to a close I headed for the door.  “C’mon, Oliver,”
Read more