I'll Fix It
Can you imagine running your household the way the government is being run?
I can't imagine telling my wife that we are going to raise the debt ceiling so that I can waste money on all kinds of crap that we don't really need, or that I'm ill-equipped to handle.
"I need ten grand to play Pebble Beach," might not go over real well.
So how can we do it differently so that perhaps when I'm crippled up I can collect social security rather than slough off to work at Wal-Mart and greet guests in as miserable tone as I can?
"Welcome to F%&*ing Wal-Mart," won't go over very well.
Here are my thinking points:
1). Stop with the steroids crap. We know Clemens cheated. We know Bonds cheated. We know Lance Armstrong cheated. Take the money you're spending on that crap and put it in a cookie jar.
Send out a blanket statement headline:
Clemens, Bonds, Armstrong...proclaimed as douches!
2). Enough with the election money. Empty the coffers into the cookie jar. We'll just go in and elect the next dipshit without hearing the crap about how they are going to make it all right. They aren't. We don't care. Just pick an anonymous moron. He can fly around in the luxury jets, doing nothing. Doesn't make a difference.
3). Can't work? Prove it. No money for you if you are on permanent disability because you think someone in your family once had sugar. Get off your ass. Paint houses. Do something. So sick of walking around downtown Buffalo watching grown men swigging out of a jug on Tuesday morning at ten a.m.
4). Want a baby? You can't have one until you prove that you can feed it. Even animals in the wild make an attempt to gather food for their children. You want to beat them, abuse them, teach them how to be drunken, worthless idiots? You can't have 'em. We seriously need a rule there.
5). One family...one car per working member of the family. Don't have a job? You don't get a car. We'll save on oil there.
6). Politicians get their pay chopped. Pay them by the hour when congress is in session. When it's not, they get summer jobs. Like they used to. It wasn't meant to be a job where you get rich stealing as many favors as you can.
7). Cap the money made by entertainers and sports stars. That's enough. $182 million for five years is just stupid. For bouncing a ball. Send the extra money to the cookie jar.
8). Tax toilet paper. Make it $25 a roll. Send the rest of the money to the government. No one is going to give up wiping their ass and if they do, it'll cut down on the number of kids being born.
9). Enough with the suits and ties. I spent $150 for my wardrobe re-up. I'm good for the next couple of years. You don't need a new suit every time you appear on television spewing your bullshit.
10). Dump the lawyers. All of them. You don't need to find a lawyer if there aren't any other lawyers. If it were illegal to practice law in this country it would be a better place to live.
There.
All done.
It's fixed.
I'm going to Pebble Beach.
I can't imagine telling my wife that we are going to raise the debt ceiling so that I can waste money on all kinds of crap that we don't really need, or that I'm ill-equipped to handle.
"I need ten grand to play Pebble Beach," might not go over real well.
So how can we do it differently so that perhaps when I'm crippled up I can collect social security rather than slough off to work at Wal-Mart and greet guests in as miserable tone as I can?
"Welcome to F%&*ing Wal-Mart," won't go over very well.
Here are my thinking points:
1). Stop with the steroids crap. We know Clemens cheated. We know Bonds cheated. We know Lance Armstrong cheated. Take the money you're spending on that crap and put it in a cookie jar.
Send out a blanket statement headline:
Clemens, Bonds, Armstrong...proclaimed as douches!
2). Enough with the election money. Empty the coffers into the cookie jar. We'll just go in and elect the next dipshit without hearing the crap about how they are going to make it all right. They aren't. We don't care. Just pick an anonymous moron. He can fly around in the luxury jets, doing nothing. Doesn't make a difference.
3). Can't work? Prove it. No money for you if you are on permanent disability because you think someone in your family once had sugar. Get off your ass. Paint houses. Do something. So sick of walking around downtown Buffalo watching grown men swigging out of a jug on Tuesday morning at ten a.m.
4). Want a baby? You can't have one until you prove that you can feed it. Even animals in the wild make an attempt to gather food for their children. You want to beat them, abuse them, teach them how to be drunken, worthless idiots? You can't have 'em. We seriously need a rule there.
5). One family...one car per working member of the family. Don't have a job? You don't get a car. We'll save on oil there.
6). Politicians get their pay chopped. Pay them by the hour when congress is in session. When it's not, they get summer jobs. Like they used to. It wasn't meant to be a job where you get rich stealing as many favors as you can.
7). Cap the money made by entertainers and sports stars. That's enough. $182 million for five years is just stupid. For bouncing a ball. Send the extra money to the cookie jar.
8). Tax toilet paper. Make it $25 a roll. Send the rest of the money to the government. No one is going to give up wiping their ass and if they do, it'll cut down on the number of kids being born.
9). Enough with the suits and ties. I spent $150 for my wardrobe re-up. I'm good for the next couple of years. You don't need a new suit every time you appear on television spewing your bullshit.
10). Dump the lawyers. All of them. You don't need to find a lawyer if there aren't any other lawyers. If it were illegal to practice law in this country it would be a better place to live.
There.
All done.
It's fixed.
I'm going to Pebble Beach.
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