A few adjustments I'd make:
1). Tim McCarver and Joe Buck wouldn't be allowed anywhere near the baseball playoffs.
For the past three weeks I've heard the same stupid stories and McCarver has told me about eleven times that when the ball leaves the pitcher's hand it is going faster than when it arrives at the plate. Uh! Duh! and if it were to make an entire trip around the stadium by the time it got back to the pitcher it'd be going even slower.
Does he honestly think that we can't recognize that when it leaves the pitcher's hand it will be going faster at any point on it's trip? Announce that one - "Sabathia throws a 95 MPH pitch that seems to be picking up speed for some reason! It's now going 103 and 104 and 105..... SHUT UP!
Speaking of which, Joe Buck never shuts up. Every inning he tells me who is going to bat for the other freaking team in the next inning and last night he told me it was nine o'clock.
Shut-up! Let me watch this inning - next inning we can talk about next inning and I have a clock on the freaking television - I know what time it is!
LET ME WATCH THE GAME!
2). People who tell a story about talking to someone on the phone while holding an imaginary phone to their ear would be fined.
I know what a freaking phone looks like - put your hand down. Not sure if a comic came up with that one, but I think of it every time someone holds the invisible phone to their ear.
3). News anchors would not tell me who is not there.
Think about it - every time there is a news anchor on vacation the one who is in their place says - "Kevin is off today." Who gives a flying crap - start telling me the news - I never asked where the hell Kevin was.
4). Morons wouldn't be allowed to be on television.
I saw the biggest loser contestant who at 450 pounds was explaining how proud he was of himself because he dropped 40 pounds since the contest started. He was crying, and thanking everyone from the Pope on down. "Dude, you're still humongous!" I yelled before flipping the channel.
And that dumb bastard who hoaxed about his kid in the balloon?
And Jon and Kate?
And Jerry Springer guests?
All right maybe I wouldn't have enough people left to fill the television schedule.
5). Sports Interviews would be different.
Yes, if I could change the world I would make the sports stars say something - anything that might be different. The Angels are down 3 games to 1 right now. Want to know how the interviews will go?
Announcer: Can you get back in the series?
Athlete: We need to take it one day at a time. One out at a time. We believe that we are good enough to compete with the Yankees and no one else believes in us, but we are going to shock the world.
First off - the world doesn't care! As Reggie Jackson once said - "There are a billion people in China who don't give a crap."
Secondly, where are you when you get eliminated? Shouldn't you be forced to re-do the interview?
Announcer: I thought you were going to win.
Athlete: F--- off.
I'm just saying...
Now close it out Yanks...and shut up Joe Buck!
Before Jake was even out the door I decided that the room he was leaving behind needed to be cleaned up. It was pretty much an exercise in...
Was on a job in Smithfield, Rhode Island. I turned a corner and saw a Lull in the air. There wasn't anyone in the seat and the load wa...
It's weird, but from the time when you're a little kid you get these mental images about a state that you've never actually visi...
I didn't have a lot of relationships prior to marriage that lasted much longer than twenty days. So, to be sitting here twenty years i...