Favorite Quick Jokes

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Thought of my father and his quick wit... some of his classic quick jokes:

Joke #1

"Ass" is in the Bible - he once told me.

"Prove it," I said.

"It was one of the miracles," he answered. "Moses tied his ass to a tree and walked 3 miles."

Joke #2 - Man is in the hospital and his doctor comes to visit - "I have good news and bad news," he says.

"Give me the bad news," the man replies.

"We had to amputate both of your feet."

"My God," the man says - "What can possibly be the good news?"

The doctor answers - "The man in the next bed wants to buy your boots."

Joke #3 - A man is passing by a herd of sheep - he goes to the shepherd - "I hear that sheep are a lot like women," he says.

"It's unbelievable," the shepherd responds.

"Do you mind if I have relations?"

"Be my guest," the shepherd says.

A little while later the man comes back and says to the shepherd - "To be honest, it wasn't that great."

The shepherd responds - "What do you want, you picked the ugliest one."

Joke #4 - Man goes to the funeral director - "I'm here to bury my wife," he says.

The funeral director is perplexed - "Didn't I bury your wife a couple of years ago?"

The man says - "I recently got remarried."

The funeral director replies - "Oh, Congratulations!"

(My mother still doesn't understand that joke).

Finally,

Joke #5

Doctor goes to the bedside once more. "I have good news and bad news," he tells his patient.

"Give it to me straight, doc. What's the bad news?"

"You have terminal cancer and just 3 weeks to live."

"What could possibly be the good news?" the patient asks.

"Did you see my beautiful secretary?" the doc asks.

"Why yes," the man replies.

"I'm sleeping with her," the doc answers, "and I'm telling everyone."

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