I Wondered What That Smell Was

A week or so ago someone posted a photo of their new baby.

"Isn't she the cutest baby ever?"

I've never really enjoyed looking at shots of babies. Especially newborns. It's like looking at the potato chips in the bag. They look the same.

And a strange thing happens to me when I see babies.

My skin crawls a little bit.

You see, I'm not the handiest of fellows.

I can't screw in a light bulb without feeling ultimately surprised when I try the light afterwards and it actually works. Back in high school I scored dead last in mechanical aptitude. Even behind every single girl in our class.

It probably wasn't real close.

So when the kids arrived way back when I was nervous to hold them.

I could only consider that I'd drop 'em.

"You wanna' hold the baby?" Kathy would ask.

"Nope."

And you know what was worse?

Caring for them.

I often think of the very first time that I was being thoughtful as a Dad. Jake was a toddler? or infant? (when do they go from infant to toddler?) and Kathy had spent most of the night up with him.

I was on the morning shift.

He was crying in the crib.

I stumbled out of bed and got him up, making sure I closed the door so that she would not hear the screaming.

I got the bottle and heated it up easily enough. I grabbed a diaper and headed for the living room, holding him tight...still thinking about not dropping him.

He had a chair that he liked to bounce in. I would get him to that chair soon enough, but he stunk to high heaven.

He took the bottle and let me have at the changing.

Now, mind you, Kathy could change him in ten seconds flat.

I looked like that cartoon giant who had been delivered the wrong baby by the drunk stork.

(You remember that one, right?).

Anywhoha...

It took me quite awhile.

Yet, shaking, I tied up the diaper and settled him into the chair. Only then did I grab my mug of coffee. I settled close and let out a huge sigh.

He reached up and knocked the cup clean out of my hands.

He most definitely got hit with some of the lukewarm coffee because he screamed.

Kathy came running.

I thought I had killed him.

Thankfully, the coffee didn't do a single thing to him. Not a mark.

But Kathy held him up for inspection as I sat trembling in the chair.

"The diaper is on backwards," she said.

"The tape is stuck to his leg."

"You're a freaking moron."

I raised my palms as if to say, 'I gave it my best.'

"And you have shit on the back of your hand."

So the next time you show me a photo of a baby you'll excuse me for not being so over-joyed.