Attracting Something
Well, it turns out that our wedding anniversary is a day later than either my beautiful, dopey wife, or I thought. We celebrated it with dinner on the 30th and then were alerted by my brilliant sister, Corinne, that it was, in fact, the 31st of May when we were married.
Unreal.
Well, the anniversary talk got me thinking about what a nightmare it would be if I were actually back out there dating. I remember once asking my brother, Jim, how I looked before we headed into a wedding mass.
"Are you thinking of attracting something?" he asked.
Be forewarned - this isn't my usual tasteful, heart-warming stuff, and they are not meant to demean. Just a few old, funny pick-up lines from way, way back. I'm sure the savage cavemen were mumbling them to the fair women all the way back then. Here are the best of the best in rude, sarcastic...even mean pickup lines.
I hope you find a favorite.
If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head?
Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a foot-long.
Hi, do you want to have my children? [No] OK, can we just practice then?
There will only be 7 planets left after I destroy Uranus.
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
You're like my little toe, because I'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my home.
Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? [Pull your pockets inside out] Would you like to?
I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
Someone vacuum my lap, I think this girl needs a clean place to sit.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Hey cutie, wanna go halves on a baby?
I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.
You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night.
I'm like a Rubik's Cube, the more you play with me the harder I get!
What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? I don't have a Ferrari.
I'm afraid of the dark... Will you sleep with me tonight?
Do you have any Italian in you? Would you like some?
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger? [No] Wink.
Hey baby, wanna play lion? You go kneel down right there and I'll throw you my meat.
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Hey there, I just took some Cialis and I have 18 hours left.
Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "'Cause they're mine sweetheart."
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there.
I have a job for you, but it blows!
The things I would do if I got a few roofies in you.
Do you like soda? Because I'd mount-and-do you. (Mountain Dew)
Is it hot in here, or are your boobs just huge?
I just checked my schedule and I can have you pregnant by Christmas.
There are 265 bones in the human body. How would you like one more?
Do you take Visa?
Do you wanna do something that rhymes with 'Truck'?
I have a rare disease that will kill me unless I have sex within the next 30 minutes. Don't let me die!
I bet my tongue can beat up your tongue.
If I was a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seed?
"I have this magic watch that can actually talk to me. Seriously, it's saying something right now. It says that you're not wearing any underwear, is that true?." [No.] "Oh wait, my watch is an hour fast!
Do you sleep on your stomach? [No] Can I?
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Could you do me a favor? Could you get on your knees and smile like a donut?
Want to make a porno? We don't have to tape it.
Let's not mess with nature. We are here to make babies. So, let's get to it.
Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's in your bra?
I'm the finger down your spine when all the lights go out.
Will you be my girlfrien? I left out the 'd' cause you'll get that later!
I only have 12 hours to live... please don't let me die a virgin.
What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
What has 132 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
With my IQ and your body, we could make a race of super-children and conquer the earth!
The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?
And finally....
Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at pick up lines... nice breasts.
Unreal.
Well, the anniversary talk got me thinking about what a nightmare it would be if I were actually back out there dating. I remember once asking my brother, Jim, how I looked before we headed into a wedding mass.
"Are you thinking of attracting something?" he asked.
Be forewarned - this isn't my usual tasteful, heart-warming stuff, and they are not meant to demean. Just a few old, funny pick-up lines from way, way back. I'm sure the savage cavemen were mumbling them to the fair women all the way back then. Here are the best of the best in rude, sarcastic...even mean pickup lines.
I hope you find a favorite.
If I flip a coin, what are my chances of getting head?
Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a foot-long.
Hi, do you want to have my children? [No] OK, can we just practice then?
There will only be 7 planets left after I destroy Uranus.
That's a nice shirt. Can I talk you out of it?
You're like my little toe, because I'm going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my home.
Have you ever kissed a rabbit between the ears? [Pull your pockets inside out] Would you like to?
I lost my virginity. Can I have yours?
Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
Someone vacuum my lap, I think this girl needs a clean place to sit.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Hey cutie, wanna go halves on a baby?
I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle.
You are so selfish! You're going to have that body the rest of your life and I just want it for one night.
I'm like a Rubik's Cube, the more you play with me the harder I get!
What's the difference between a Ferrari and an erection? I don't have a Ferrari.
I'm afraid of the dark... Will you sleep with me tonight?
Do you have any Italian in you? Would you like some?
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
Do you know what winks and screws like a tiger? [No] Wink.
Hey baby, wanna play lion? You go kneel down right there and I'll throw you my meat.
I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Hey there, I just took some Cialis and I have 18 hours left.
Hold out two fingers and say: "Why should a woman masturbate with these two fingers?" (I don't know.) "'Cause they're mine sweetheart."
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there.
I have a job for you, but it blows!
The things I would do if I got a few roofies in you.
Do you like soda? Because I'd mount-and-do you. (Mountain Dew)
Is it hot in here, or are your boobs just huge?
I just checked my schedule and I can have you pregnant by Christmas.
There are 265 bones in the human body. How would you like one more?
Do you take Visa?
Do you wanna do something that rhymes with 'Truck'?
I have a rare disease that will kill me unless I have sex within the next 30 minutes. Don't let me die!
I bet my tongue can beat up your tongue.
If I was a watermelon, would you spit or swallow my seed?
"I have this magic watch that can actually talk to me. Seriously, it's saying something right now. It says that you're not wearing any underwear, is that true?." [No.] "Oh wait, my watch is an hour fast!
Do you sleep on your stomach? [No] Can I?
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Could you do me a favor? Could you get on your knees and smile like a donut?
Want to make a porno? We don't have to tape it.
Let's not mess with nature. We are here to make babies. So, let's get to it.
Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?
Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's in your bra?
I'm the finger down your spine when all the lights go out.
Will you be my girlfrien? I left out the 'd' cause you'll get that later!
I only have 12 hours to live... please don't let me die a virgin.
What is a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine?
What has 132 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk? My zipper.
With my IQ and your body, we could make a race of super-children and conquer the earth!
The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?
And finally....
Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at pick up lines... nice breasts.
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