Just a Little Boy

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Isn't it weird what you dream sometimes?

Last night I had a couple of strange ones. The first of which made my skin crawl in the real world.

About ten years ago I lost a friend of mine to brain cancer. She was actually the bartender at the bar where I grew up (sort of). She was a gruff, sarcastic, wonderful woman who got sick and never got better. I was crushed by her loss. A lot of why I grieved her was because of her two sons who were good guys, and her husband, who now had to go it alone.

I lost touch with all over the last year.

That's why last night's first dream was so profound. I saw her in good health, behind the bar, wearing a huge smile as she greeted me. It was as if she were outside the dream, though, and standing in my bedroom. She was at her sarcastic best.

In the morning, I texted her son. Here is the exchange. Now mind you, it's been at least a year since I spoke to him, and ten years since she passed.

Me: Yo, dude. How are you? I had a dream about your mother last night. She looked great! She busted my balls.

Him: Get the hell out of here! Do you know what today is?

Me: February 23rd????

Him: Yeah, her birthday! Wow!

After that first dream I got up and got a drink of water. Not sure what I ate for dinner, but the 2nd dream was also vivid.

It was a dream of me in my bed as a 47-year-old man but in the body of a little boy.

That one didn't provide much insight as I went through my next day, but I thought about it a bit.

We don't really change all that much as we age. Some of the very things I felt worried about as a child still worry me today. There is maturity, sure, but those core fears are still with us. Those core beliefs are only strengthened by time.

And I thought of my boys and how they are developing. How they've seen, as their example, a healthy relationship between a man and a woman. A set of parents who work hard, hold the abuses of themselves to a minimum, and cherish their own family.

I wondered if my boys had fears of separation and dreams of loss. As a Dad I wanted to stop it, of course, but I can't. They will carry burdens. They will face the fears as grown men. There will be days when they still feel like a defenseless child.I hope they have enough in reserve to beat back the demons of life.

Sometimes it doesn't even pay to go to sleep.


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