What's the Obsession With Coffee?

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Who would've thunk that having a cup of coffee would turn into a national obsession?

I'm not one of those guys who hates coffee. I'll drink a cup, maybe two a day. I usually don't even taste the first one...just drink it down quickly as I'm heading out the door. I may stop for another at mid-morning, but let me tell you, I'm not obsessed.

Damn.

We have Tim Horton's up here.

On every single corner.

The line to the drive-thru usually snakes around and out the driveway until it interferes with traffic on the road.

I'm not waiting in line for coffee.

So I usually get out of the car and pour that second cup myself at a 7/11.

That isn't easy either.

There are 72 kinds of coffee.

It takes me five minutes trying to find the regular.

Blueberry coffee?

Coffee with whipped cream?

Why don't you just order pancakes?

It always takes me another five minutes to find the friggin' lids.

I like mine regular. No sugar, but milk. Just milk. No flavored syrup. No creme brulle creamer.

Around our house there's a real crisis brewing when we are low on the French Vanilla creamer.

My beautiful wife drinks it.

My daughter Matt drinks it.

A few weeks ago I was at the fridge at Wegman's. I lifted a big jug of creamer out because I do most of the grocery shopping because I'm a wonderful husband.

An elderly lady watched me put the creamer in the cart.

"Do you know how bad that is for you?" The lady asked. "You really should get half and half."

I did my usual gig when I'm taking unsolicited advice from total strangers.

"Why don't you mind your own business, dude?"

(I'm serious. I called her dude).

"Just trying to help," she said.

I smiled.

Mrs. Kravitz walked away in a huff.

(I hope the older folks get that reference).

Anywhoha...back to the coffee....

Why do they serve it so freaking hot?

Have you ever bought a coffee and had to wait a half an hour to drink it?

Who the hell wants a coffee a half an hour from now?

McDonalds does that. I ordered a coffee from their drive-thru one day and asked the lady in the box to put a couple of ice cubes in it to cool it down.

I started driving away before I looked at it.

The dumb bastard had filled the cup with half ice and half coffee.

I rifled the cup off the wall next to the window and drove away.

You see what happens when the coffee order is wrong?

I felt like yelling out my window:

"I said a couple of cubes, DUDE!"

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