Running Scared
Fear's a powerful thing. It can turn your heart black, you can trust. It'll take your God-filled soul and fill it with devils and dust.
A sinkhole opens up and swallows a home in Florida, sending some guy who was in bed down into the Earth.
"How are you going to protect your family when someone breaks into your home?"
I got that question posed to me yesterday. People seem to be running scared, and perhaps it's legitimate.
My beautiful wife has it all figured out though.
"No candles, no plug-ins, no babies," she announces to my mother-in-law at 10:03 every night.
It's the code they developed to tell one another that there is no imminent threat looming. My boys and I decided to get down to the meaning of it all the other night.
I just can't understand.
"So, how does it work?" I asked.
"It's just a reminder," she said. "There are no candles burning, hence the 'no candles'."
"I got that one."
"There aren't any plug-ins in the outlets, hence the no 'plug-ins'," she said.
"Because there have been a scourge of homes burning down due to plug-ins, right? But go on."
"And 'no babies' means that there aren't any intruders in the house. If one of us were to say two babies, for instance, that would mean that there are two men in the house. Get it?"
The laughter of the children from the backseat of the car answered it for me, but I decided to attack the sensibility of it.
"Why the hell don't you just say that there are no INTRUDERS IN THE HOUSE?" I asked. "Do you think the robbers are gonna' break the code of your private conversation? Are they listening in on the phone line? They aren't there when you're talking!"
"And do you think the robbers are just gonna' allow you to make a phone call?" Jake asked.
Matt jumped in.
"Hang on, Mister robber, I gotta' call my Mom. "'There's no candles, no plug-ins, but there are eleven babies rummaging through our kitchen drawers!'"
Sam's laughter was uncontrollable.
"The robber will be like, 'Eleven babies? What in the hell are you talking about? Hang up that phone.'"
"It'll be too late," Matt said. "Grandma will get in her car and race over and beat the hell out of the robbers."
My wife couldn't answer.
"That's not the best part," I said. "For years she set the baby gate up on the stairs to stop the robbers once they entered the house."
"So, the robber picks the lock, enters the house and stops dead in his tracks when he sees the baby gate?" Jack asked.
"'Let's get out of here!'" One robber tells the other. "'They have a baby gate!'" Matt howls.
Kathy couldn't say a single thing in her own defense. She just laughed right along with us.
Fear is a powerful thing.
It makes us act irrationally.
We imagine scenarios.
We dread even getting into bed for fear that the Earth is going to open up and swallow us.
We worry about sending our kids off to school for fear that someone will break in and shoot them.
We take the plug-ins out of the outlets.
Later that night I was getting ready for bed. The telephone rang. Mother and daughter caught up on their day, and I listened closely as the conversation wound down.
"See you tomorrow. I love you. No candles. No plug-ins. No babies."
I started laughing.
"Shut-up," Kathy said.
I laughed all the way up the stairs.
"Don't forget the baby gate!" I called out.
I didn't get an answer.
A sinkhole opens up and swallows a home in Florida, sending some guy who was in bed down into the Earth.
"How are you going to protect your family when someone breaks into your home?"
I got that question posed to me yesterday. People seem to be running scared, and perhaps it's legitimate.
My beautiful wife has it all figured out though.
"No candles, no plug-ins, no babies," she announces to my mother-in-law at 10:03 every night.
It's the code they developed to tell one another that there is no imminent threat looming. My boys and I decided to get down to the meaning of it all the other night.
I just can't understand.
"So, how does it work?" I asked.
"It's just a reminder," she said. "There are no candles burning, hence the 'no candles'."
"I got that one."
"There aren't any plug-ins in the outlets, hence the no 'plug-ins'," she said.
"Because there have been a scourge of homes burning down due to plug-ins, right? But go on."
"And 'no babies' means that there aren't any intruders in the house. If one of us were to say two babies, for instance, that would mean that there are two men in the house. Get it?"
The laughter of the children from the backseat of the car answered it for me, but I decided to attack the sensibility of it.
"Why the hell don't you just say that there are no INTRUDERS IN THE HOUSE?" I asked. "Do you think the robbers are gonna' break the code of your private conversation? Are they listening in on the phone line? They aren't there when you're talking!"
"And do you think the robbers are just gonna' allow you to make a phone call?" Jake asked.
Matt jumped in.
"Hang on, Mister robber, I gotta' call my Mom. "'There's no candles, no plug-ins, but there are eleven babies rummaging through our kitchen drawers!'"
Sam's laughter was uncontrollable.
"The robber will be like, 'Eleven babies? What in the hell are you talking about? Hang up that phone.'"
"It'll be too late," Matt said. "Grandma will get in her car and race over and beat the hell out of the robbers."
My wife couldn't answer.
"That's not the best part," I said. "For years she set the baby gate up on the stairs to stop the robbers once they entered the house."
"So, the robber picks the lock, enters the house and stops dead in his tracks when he sees the baby gate?" Jack asked.
"'Let's get out of here!'" One robber tells the other. "'They have a baby gate!'" Matt howls.
Kathy couldn't say a single thing in her own defense. She just laughed right along with us.
Fear is a powerful thing.
It makes us act irrationally.
We imagine scenarios.
We dread even getting into bed for fear that the Earth is going to open up and swallow us.
We worry about sending our kids off to school for fear that someone will break in and shoot them.
We take the plug-ins out of the outlets.
Later that night I was getting ready for bed. The telephone rang. Mother and daughter caught up on their day, and I listened closely as the conversation wound down.
"See you tomorrow. I love you. No candles. No plug-ins. No babies."
I started laughing.
"Shut-up," Kathy said.
I laughed all the way up the stairs.
"Don't forget the baby gate!" I called out.
I didn't get an answer.
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