Does It Get Easier?
Ever?
I'm beginning to doubt it.
Do you remember when the kids were young and screaming and running and not listening and threatening to make you want to dig your own eyes out with a ballpoint pen?
I do.
Friends who'd had their kids earlier in life would mention this:
It doesn't get any easier.
Then they'd laugh and laugh and laugh.
I currently have one buddy who enjoyed his 'free' life for a lot longer than the rest of us.
This poor guy is now my age with three of four young-ins running around and his younger wife may or may not be pregnant again. She's been pregnant so many times in a row that it's hard to keep track.
"What's up?" My buddy asked as I picked up his call.
There was an ear-piercing scream over the line followed by a shriek and then his booming:
"LEAVE YOUR SISTER ALONE!!"
I roared. He didn't.
"It ain't %#&*ng funny," he said. "All day long. It's non-stop. He pulls her hair, she throws something at him, they both cry, I yell, and the wife yells at me."
"Dude, it gets worse," I said.
"How could it?" he answered.
"Well, for one thing they get more energy as you slow down."
"I'm already slowed down!" He wailed. "You forget that you were doing this at 32. I won't be doing what you're doing until I'm 65."
I laughed again.
"It ain't %#&*ng funny," he said. "Please just tell me that it gets easier. They are just lunatics."
"Yeah but they get dumber as they get older," I said. "Then they get lazy. Then they eat everything in your fridge. Then they get these big booming voices that scare the shit out of you as they scream at each other through the house. Then you think about punishing them and you wonder about them snapping and breaking your back in two over their knee as they head back to the video game."
Now he was laughing.
"And what's worse is that they take every nickel out of your pockets and come back for more, and when they can start making fun of you with their cute little smile...Oh God, let me tell you, it's all just worth it."
There was another blood-curdling scream somewhere in the room behind him.
"I just don't care anymore what happens," my buddy said laughing. "I really don't."
"Then you're almost there," I said. "When they beat you down, completely stamp out your self-worth, and have you contemplate making a wrong turn and not looking back, you've made it as a father."
"But they're so damn cute," my buddy said.
"That's their mother filling your head with that propaganda bullshit," I said.
"OH SHIT!!! I GOTTA' GO!" He screamed.
I laughed for a half an hour.
I'm beginning to doubt it.
Do you remember when the kids were young and screaming and running and not listening and threatening to make you want to dig your own eyes out with a ballpoint pen?
I do.
Friends who'd had their kids earlier in life would mention this:
It doesn't get any easier.
Then they'd laugh and laugh and laugh.
I currently have one buddy who enjoyed his 'free' life for a lot longer than the rest of us.
This poor guy is now my age with three of four young-ins running around and his younger wife may or may not be pregnant again. She's been pregnant so many times in a row that it's hard to keep track.
"What's up?" My buddy asked as I picked up his call.
There was an ear-piercing scream over the line followed by a shriek and then his booming:
"LEAVE YOUR SISTER ALONE!!"
I roared. He didn't.
"It ain't %#&*ng funny," he said. "All day long. It's non-stop. He pulls her hair, she throws something at him, they both cry, I yell, and the wife yells at me."
"Dude, it gets worse," I said.
"How could it?" he answered.
"Well, for one thing they get more energy as you slow down."
"I'm already slowed down!" He wailed. "You forget that you were doing this at 32. I won't be doing what you're doing until I'm 65."
I laughed again.
"It ain't %#&*ng funny," he said. "Please just tell me that it gets easier. They are just lunatics."
"Yeah but they get dumber as they get older," I said. "Then they get lazy. Then they eat everything in your fridge. Then they get these big booming voices that scare the shit out of you as they scream at each other through the house. Then you think about punishing them and you wonder about them snapping and breaking your back in two over their knee as they head back to the video game."
Now he was laughing.
"And what's worse is that they take every nickel out of your pockets and come back for more, and when they can start making fun of you with their cute little smile...Oh God, let me tell you, it's all just worth it."
There was another blood-curdling scream somewhere in the room behind him.
"I just don't care anymore what happens," my buddy said laughing. "I really don't."
"Then you're almost there," I said. "When they beat you down, completely stamp out your self-worth, and have you contemplate making a wrong turn and not looking back, you've made it as a father."
"But they're so damn cute," my buddy said.
"That's their mother filling your head with that propaganda bullshit," I said.
"OH SHIT!!! I GOTTA' GO!" He screamed.
I laughed for a half an hour.
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