Did You Find Everything You Need?

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Who doesn't love grocery shopping?

Load the cart, load the car, unload the car and put everything away.

What can be more fun than that?

I know that it's a battle around here, especially considering that they closed up the little neighborhood store. Now we have to go to the big stores and it turns into a real event.

Here are my favorite shoppers:

1). Just Looking.

I swear to God I stood for three minutes beside a woman who was looking through the glass at the gallon of milk as if it were about to do a trick. I, of course, needed to grab a gallon.

"I never know which one to get," she said.

"That particular brand comes from a cow," I said as I walked away.

She went back to looking.

2). Am I Blocking the Aisle?

I actually hate these bastards. They get their cart and park it on one side and then they stand directly across from it and study the aisle in front of them. Then my favorite part: they act all indignant when you attempt to pass.

"Get the mother....out of the way!"

3). Paper or Plastic?

The cashiers are a whole 'nother story. They definitely ask the paper and plastic question. Then they ask if you found everything as if it was a contest. Then they ask you one thing after another.

"You want your milk in a bag?"

"You want your pop in a bag?"

"You want your bag of onions in a freaking bag?"

I actually want to tell them to just plop it all in the cart, give me thirty bags and let me be on my way.

4). Didn't the Ad say $1.89?

We all love coupon lady, right? She has fifty freaking coupons and then needs to ask the cashier:

"Did I get this?"

I'm not kidding. Last time out the lady in front of me asked the cashier if the freaking chunks of pineapple she had were $1.81 because the register rang it up as $1.89.

Do you know how much time passed as we debated the issue?

6 minutes.

6 minutes for 8 cents.

I was ten seconds away from throwing a dime on the counter to settle the dispute. The lady was pissed. The cashier was confused. I was seething.

I'm not exactly sure how it turned out because I was busy counting backwards from a hundred so that I didn't strangle two people.

5). Let Me Read My Receipt in the F$#^&ng doorway!

So I usually feel a sense of relief when I make it back to the front door. That is when some dumb bastard, who has moved at a measured pace for about 300 feet stops on a freaking dime so that they can check their receipt in the center of the exit before they leave the store.

I nearly ram the cart into the annoying bastard.

"Oh geez, I'm sorry!"

"I wish I would have driven the cart straight into the back of your legs and somehow struck a main artery of some sorts," I mutter as I smile my way by.

God I love grocery shopping.

P.S. GET A-HOLD OF JEFF RENALDO TODAY. THE MAIN GRAPE APE IS 49 FREAKING YEARS OLD!!

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