Surviving In the Wilderness

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You must've seen the story about the family that was lost in the wilderness and extreme cold out west. Their car overturned about a hundred miles from civilization and they survived by huddling together, burning tires, rocks, whatever, to stay alive.

Of course, it begs the question on why they would travel so far away to play in the cold, but why be negative? Once the accident happened the parents kept the kids safe so there's that.

I tried to imagine our loving family in such a situation.

First off, Dad wouldn't be thinking of the things to keep the family alive...that would be Mom's job...and that might not go so well either because there'd be no candy crush out there...and God help us all if we ran out of tobacco products.

Then there's the children.

Our kids aren't tough.

Is that a nice way of putting it?

Matt, one time, was out mowing the lawn...minutes later he was in the shower.

"What happened?" I asked as I saw the half-cut lawn out the back window.

"I GOT GAS ON ME!!!" He screamed. "WHAT IF I HAD STARTED ON FIRE!!!"

Then there was the day he took two different over-the-counter medications and was worried that he was about to go into convulsions.

He was weeping as he told me his mistake.

"My God!" I said. "We're gonna' have to pump your stomach!!"

He ran to his Mom.

And he's the tough one.

To say that our children would be a pain in the ass in a survival type situation would be a huge understatement.

"We aren't getting a signal!!!"

And we used to go camping. We'd head up to an amusement park and sleep two nights in a trailer.

I liked it.

The rest of them hated it.

We used to have to pack the game systems so they'd have something to do when they weren't spending thousands of dollars at the park.

God help us if they get bored, right?

And to pull off McGyver type shit to survive?

I don't think it's happening.

Sorry, clan...we'd curl up into a ball...

...a tobacco-deprived...Call of Duty lacking...candy crush missing...

...ball of whining Fuzzy's.

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