Cheetah! Free Man!

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The news of Cheetah Woods divorce just came down. It's final. He's a free man. Now he can go out and play the back nine without fear of being caught. What a relief. Perhaps he will be able to hit the ball straight down the fairway now.

Truth be told, though, I spent a lot of time rooting during his most recent tourneys. Of course, I was rooting against him, hoping that he'd double-bogey everything. And he did stink.

I really hope this doesn't clear his mind enough to let him win next year.

Yet speaking of marriage. My wife and I spent a long time the other night trying real hard to convince other couples to follow our advice about relationships. The gist of it was real funny to us and a little horrifying to our nieces and nephews.

Yet what was interesting was to see the couples all dressed up, newly married, or on the verge of starting a relationship, and listening to them dream big.

So what's the advice?

First off, expect that kids will change everything. To believe that the old relationship will continue as was is a little crazy. Of course the kids are going to change it. A wife is a mother first. Guys need to know that they have to get in line behind the kids for a woman's attention. There's nothing wrong with it, it just goes that way.

Ask your wife:"Me, you and the kids are on a boat out at sea. One person has to go overboard to save the others - who will it be?"

"Adios," Kathy answers.

And that's the way it should be.

But as we tried to deftly explain to the younger couples there are ways of keeping the humor going.

"Just don't take anything off the table," was the theme of the night.

If we see an attractive woman in a movie we usually have a conversation such as this:

Kathy: She's beautiful.
Me: She's no Kathy Fazzolari
Kathy: But she's beautiful, right?
Me: She's pefect for the threesome.
Kathy (rolling her eyes): That's what I was thinking.

So there you have it. A live fantasy.

Ashley Judd won't be coming over anytime soon, but in my mind, it might happen, and I'm free to go on about my business.

Beats the hell out of being divorced because you couldn't walk by the waitress at Denny's, or the porn star, or the kid neighbor next door. Somehow Cheetah didn't feel the connection.

So there's the marriage advice. Respect each other. Keep all the dreams on the table.

It gives you something to think about when you're waiting to get tossed from the lifeboat.

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