Thoughts of a Common Man

I drove 400 miles today and worked about 15 hours. All the while I was thinking about people who don't do their jobs to the best of the abilities every day. You all work with someone, right? Someone who would rather piss and moan about what they're not getting than what they have. I was thinking about all of this in regard to my brother. Perhaps someone didn't do their job the way that they should. I know for a fact that there was a nurse that worked so hard she could have pulled off wearing a sign that said 'world's best nurse.' I also know that there were a couple of real idiots that kind of mailed it in a shift or two, and I thought of this in context of what we lost. Not that doing their job to the best of their abilities cost my brother, but it certainly didn't help, did it? So, it galls me to think that there are people who feel they are owed a job, a paycheck, medical benefits, and sick time, personal leave time and vacation time. Yeah, we all need th...

Everyone sort of needs something to hang onto, right? Some sort of faith in what we've always believed is still somewhat believable. Over the course of the past three weeks or so, I've been loking for signs that show me that it's all right to live and smile and play and work and bitch about the WGAF things in life. That light that flickered and went off. The door that suddenly opened in the middle of the night. That dream that had Jeff speaking to me as if he had simply left to get a gallon of milk and didn't really mean to scare us. How about the pull on the slot machine that won me $500 just after I glanced up and said, "Help out a brother?" Do any of those things mean anything? Could the light bulb just have cut out on its own? Did the door suddenly open because the windows were open? Slot machines are blind luck, anyway, right? I've been around the corner and back on this one - Blind Spot was a book about understanding loss and dealing with grief. I wr...

We have a small roller coaster that comes apart into five pieces. Five pieces of crap that I need to kick out of the way whenever I want to get the mower out of the garage. Five sonouvabitchin pieces that are always stuck directly under my feet whenever I'm carrying materials to and fro. Five m-fing pieces that never get picked up out of the driveway after a party and always get rained on and are always filthy. Our conversation took place last summer: Me: Can we get rid of the damn roller coaster yet? The kids are ready for friggen' college. Her: Let's hang onto it. It's a symbol - when the roller coaster goes they are officially not kids anymore. It'll make me sad. Me: I'm telling you - it's either me or the coaster. Her: Do what you have to do - one more year on the coaster. Fade to early this morning. John, Farrah and Rocco were over for fun. In fact, counting the neighbor kids there were eight children here. I took them all for a walk around the quiet bl...

Why is such a small word yet it carries so much in the way of description when you consider all of the possible meanings. When my kids were young, and probably when all kids were young, why seemed to be their favorite word. "Dad, why are there clouds on some days and no clouds on other days?" "It has to do with the air," I'd answer. "I don't know a lot about it but when cold air and warm air meet they make clouds." (I don't even know if that's quite right, but the joy of it all is that kids will normally buy your answer, even when you're bullshitting them. Of course, there is always the follow-up question). "Why?" "I don't know." Through the years there have been so many discussions that started with the kids asking why and me admitting, sometimes because I didn't feel like talking about it, that I just didn't know. Other times, I fed them bullshit and tried to see how far they'd carry it. "Mom, ...

As if the month hasn't been bad enough...Winnie actually got married. I used to love The Wonder Years and I felt all of Kevin's angst as he tried to get Winnie Cooper to love him. I'm not kidding. My heart ached each week for poor Fred Savage because Winnie was just so perfect. And did you see her as an adult? She still looks real good to me. Yet the thing about the show that was so effective was that it took a long, hard look at love in the purest of forms - the first love. And Kevin romanticized each and every moment. He was nervous holding Winnie's hand, nervous kissing her, nervous that she was looking at another boy. During high school and most of my way through college, I had that bigger-than-the-world view of love and that was why I was so in love with Winnie. She was every girl in the world to me and to millions of other guys, I imagine. I suppose the world is a different sort of place today - freaking Winnie Cooper is married. I suppose she couldn't wait fo...

My brother's birthday is today and he just ate a steak as big as the back tire on my car. He also had a lobster tail, rolls, corn, and a pasta dish. That was at one sitting. As we finished up the chat, his wife served him a piece of chocolate cake. God Bless him. To sum up Jim, you only need to know a quick story about a trip he made to the hospital one morning to relieve me from the night I spent there. He showed up at 5:30AM and handed me a breakfast sandwich as soon as he walked into the room. I wiped the sleep from my eyes, took the sandwich, and I caught a whiff of him. "What the hell is that smell?" I asked. "You smell that?" he asked. "It smells like shit." "It's on you," I replied. Jim turned his sneaker over to find a big clump of some sort of feces on his shoe. He immediately started to gag and impulsively wiped his foot on the carpet in the waiting room. "Brilliant," I said. "Now you have to sit in here all day s...

Despite my belief that tramps like us, baby, we're born to run, I don't much believe in running away from tough times. After all, a sad, pitiful bastard getting on a plane in Buffalo gets off the plane in Florida as a sad, pitiful bastard, doesn't he? Yet despite my distaste for laying around and doing nothing - it is exactly what I intend to do. I have a great desire to look up at the sky, shake my fist and ask why. Not sure I'll get many answers, but I do know that I might get some sun and I definitely am aware that there will probably be a few Heiniken Lights mixed in. So where do I stand in this battle, you ask? There are many hours when I don't believe that it all went down like it did and that soon, things will be back to normal. There's also a tremendous void in everyday conversation with the only guy who's call I always took. It didn't matter if I were climbing a ladder, or yelling at a client, I always answered that call because I knew for a few...

I suppose that we are all searching for enlightenment in one way or another. I find myself looking to the clouds as if there is an answer written up there somewhere. Trying to understand life has been a lifelong affliction of mine, and I don't suppose the past few weeks is going to break me of the habit. Yet what good does it do to consider the consequences and balance out the difference between right and wrong if the whole universe seems to be some random lottery of sorts? I can't help but feel the sorrow of the most recent number of people who were innocent people shot and killed by one rampaging lunatic or another. I can't help it, that's who I am and it hurts to think that every third of fourth day there are mass killings that we won't even recall three months from now. There was another plane crash yesterday and 7 of the 14 people killed were children. Imagine the hurt and despair that a single incident caused. And I think of all the moments in my life when I e...

I just got an e-mail telling me that I too can have a flat tummy. Excuse me for being skeptical but that ship may have sailed. Sure is fun to watch the people protesting the AIG Executives bonus program - said it before - would love to receive a seven-figure bonus for screwing something up as big as I could screw it up. Speaking of screwing up - Obama really blew it with his special olympics joke, huh? Thank God the president before him never said anything stupid. The way I have it figured the stupid statement scoreboard reads as such: Bush 1,456,789,888 - Obama 3 It does appear that Obama is paying attention though, doesn't it? Opening Day is just a couple of weeks away for the Yanks - $2,650 a front-row seat? Nah, college for the kids is what I'm thinking - by the time they're ready to go I can use that $2,650 to buy them a book or two. Opening Day will be another rough one for me, but I'm thinking that they'll get a little more help from those in heaven that love...

Rocco and Farrah were with us all morning and into the afternoon. When Rocco smiled his devilish smile at me I saw my brother's eyes. For a long moment, a sharp pain hit me behind the eyes and threatened our little visit. It didn't last long. We played kickball, ran a few foot races, and hung out with the dogs. After a couple of Kool-aid drinks, Rocco settled in, just wanting to hold me close. Before long, he was asleep, curled up on my chest, and snoring lightly. When my kids were young things were real hectic. I enjoyed holding them and being with them, but the pace seemed way too frantic to just lay back on the couch and feel them breath. Of course I did that, but it felt a lot different today. When Rocco woke up he decided to tickle my "big belly." He did that for a few minutes before doing a number of raspberry's and then marveling at the dark abyss that is my belly button. "What does that button do?" he asked. Yeah, it's sad, it'll always b...

I had to travel out of town yesterday. A couple of my real good friends wanted me to go out for a couple of beers, perhaps to make me feel more comfortable in my own skin. I was looking forward to it for a little while, but as the day wore on, I was less than enthused. That's the problem here. All of the things that seemed like great fun about two months ago are now devoid of any joy. I am certainly hoping that it changes, but right now, today, I'm wondering about joy and whether or not it will be a missing element. I went to the bar, arriving first, and feeling like a fish out of water as I ordered a Heineken Light. I suppose that is my beer of choice now as it was Jeff's favorite. In any regard, I never felt like a fish out of water ordering a beer before. There were a lot of people around me, chatting about their jobs, their loves, the upcoming basketball games, and on and on - all stuff that makes me want to give them a WGAF. My friends showed up and offered a hug. My f...

Well, today will be one of the rough days - the first day of the NCAA Tourney was always a day of back and forth phone calls with Jeff. We would certainly compare notes and trash talk back and forth, and that will be sorely missed, but this morning I found another worthy adversary. "Can I stay home from school today?" Sam asked Kathy. "Why? Not feeling good?" Kathy asked. "No, the NCAA is on at noon." "You're going to school," Kathy said. "You're eight years old. You aren't a bookie yet." So, I stumbled into Sam's room. I was certainly feeling sorry for myself. I had filled out two brackets just to keep the boys on their toes. "You picked Duke in the Final Four?" Sam asked. "They're playing well," I answered. "God, you're dumb," Sam answered. It struck me as a variation on Jeff's "You're so stoooopid," line from years gone past. "It's going to be so much fu...

We say the prayers with the kids every night before bed. To be honest with you, over the last couple of weeks, I've been going through the motions. Not that my faith is shaky, by any means, but I'm kind of in the 'I'm not talking to you right now stage.' We've all been there - usually with a spouse - you know when you have a difference of opinion and it's not quite bad enough to keep the argument burning, but it's not quite all right to where you can just let bygones be bygones. I have a Crucifix hanging over me as I write this. It is wrapped with a rosary, and now, my brother's Yankee tie. I glance at it every now and again, and I can feel it looking down upon me, but we aren't all good yet. The elephant in the room is that I don't understand. Yet deep down, I know that I will never understand. I'm human enough to know that it will have to suffice and that I won't ever be intelligent enough to figure it out. Still, I believe that the...

Man, I don't know how I did it, but Kathy is here and she stands by me. Actually all of this was pretty much her idea and her vision of what our life could be was way better than my vision of drinking beer, writing books and laying on the couch. It's often hard to admit when you're wrong, but my wife has made my life immensely easier in good times and she has held me up during the roughest of all stretches. And I count my blessings that you're mine for always We laugh beneath the covers and count the wrinkles and the grays Sing Away, Sing away, my darling sing away This is our Kingdom of Days. Happy Birthday Thanks for just being you.

My wife was always the paranoid one. My absolute favorite was when she put the baby gate at the top of the stairs well after the kids were grown - I never noticed it because I was usually in bed before her, but one night I saw it and questioned her. "It's to slow up a burglar if he breaks into the house," she said. "You're insane," I replied. Also, every night we have the same discussion about all of the doors being locked - it borders on the ridiculous. I stopped her by telling her I unlocked the doors before I came up. "Really? Did you lock them?" she'd ask. "You're insane," I'd reply. She once phoned the school to see if the kids arrived safe because the bus driver wasn't the usual guy. "You're insane," I said. She once went to the school to ask if the children arrived safely. "You're insane," I told her. Yet now, I'm scared stiff. I've bolted awake each of the past two weeks - usuall...

Each and every Sunday morning, somewhere between 7 AM and 9 AM our telephone would ring. Everyone in the house would yell out, "It's Uncle Jeff!" The call always started with a discussion of the previous night, moved onto a few moments about dinner plans for the day, and quickly turned to sports and the coming week. Jeff was always concerned with what I had coming up in the week, and if there was a sporting event that needed to be bet on, we did that. Once in awhile we touched on Bruce and we always spoke of the Yankees and the state of their union. Of course, that call didn't come today and it really hurt. Tomorrow night we would be meeting up with friends and picking names out of the hat for the NCAA Tourney. I'm not doing that this year but perhaps we will do it for the kids and pass that tradition on down to them. And where does that leave me this morning? I watched the sun come up, and wrote a little bit. I'm getting used to the constant ache in my chest,...

Sorting through some old notebooks I found this and was lifted up: There are some things which carry us through our lives; there are people we can lean on and people we can love, who lean on us and love us too. Sometimes all the joy that comes from that is curtained by a sorrow so powerful that for some moments, even the most joyous occasions are beyond recollection. Sometimes the people who bring us that joy, who bring us that laughter, who just are, are the ones we lose to God. But with God comes Grace and with Grace we are consoled by memories of those who once lived, those who once embraced us. And in our life we live with that Grace. We get through every day for the sake of the one we so deeply miss... And we find that pain can move us and memories can comfort us in ways that we never imagined. These wise words were written by Carrie Lynn Fazzolari. Carrying us through.

I bought a black notebook today...and the only one's who really know what that means are my wife and Cindy Sterling, my great publisher. I've purchased a black notebook ten times in my life - 9 books that have been published and one that is 3/4's done. That last one can wait. I would much rather write fiction than non-fiction, but the new book is a true story. It will be a story about life. It will be a story about laughter. It will be a story about unbelievable love. It will be a story about my brother. And it'll be the best book ever written. Life, Love and Laughter. Mark it down. Coming in 2010. Guaranteed.

My son Jake is an athlete built in the same mold as his old man. That's to say that he can't jump, has little court sense, and runs like an old, worn-out dump truck. Yet he also wants to do well and will work hard, and when he gets the ball, he's looking to shoot first and ask questions later. Yesterday afternoon, he ran into the house screaming delight - "We have a playoff game," he said. "It's tonight at six o'clock. Are you going to come and watch?" I didn't give him a real definitive answer because I certainly wasn't growing excited about the prospect of doing anything . "I'm going to be playing for Uncle Jeff," he said. It was an innocent statement that brought tears to my eyes. I didn't tell my wife that I was going to the game until we were ready to leave. I certainly didn't tell her why I was going either. (I don't go to a lot of the games because the over-bearing parents usually drive me crazy - and besi...

The short answer is...not real good. The long answer is that it won't be good for a long time...maybe years. I hate that people don't know what to say. I hate that I feel like this. I hate that nothing else matters. My wife and I have shared a saying over the last few days - we broke it into initials so the kids don't break it down too - WGAF - Who Gives a ____ (fill in the blank). TO is a Buffalo Bill - WGAF A-Rod is out two months - WGAF Economy is still in the shitter - WGAF Spring is around the corner - WGAF "She said this and he said that" - WGAF It isn't the way we live. And someday it won't be the way we communicate, but now? You eat to eat. Sleep to survive. Grieve more than you feel alive. How's Everything? WGAF Not very uplifting for my blog readers, but we can work through this together. Today I felt like writing these words down. Bear with me.

Thank you... Yeah, nothing works in a time like this - not words, not food, not beer... Too many hugs, too many handshakes... Only love makes it bearable... The love of college friends who drove hundreds of miles... The love of relatives and friends who comforted my parents... The love of the children who had never seen us so vulnerable and grieving... The love of my brothers and sisters... I can't make it without you... Thank you... There has been a college fund established for Johnny, Farrah and Rocco - three beautiful children... If you would like to donate please do: College Fund, c/o Community Bank, North Collins, NY 14111 Only more love can make this even remotely acceptable... Someday...

You're supposed to be standing beside me as I roll a 3-foot putt by the hole, saying, "Ah, that's a damn shame." You're supposed to call me on the phone after winning a bet, telling me, "You're so stuuuuuuuuuupid." You're supposed to call me after I step off live television and say, "I know the camera adds ten pounds, but how the hell many cameras did they have on you?" You're supposed to be there, two trapeze artists, my wrist waiting for your wrist. You're supposed to be here for 40 more years, making fun of me, rooting the Yankees on, side-by-side as Bruce sings for us, teaching me new receipes, comparing notes on the kids. You're supposed to be calling me every day, getting me involved in all the scams, inviting me to pick NCAA teams out of a hat. You're supposed to tell me, like you told me two days before you got sick that I should enjoy life instead of trying to understand it. You're supposed to be hoisting yo...

My brother, my best buddy,passed away today................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

There's a book making the rounds, written by some guy named Christopher Hitchins and it is titled "God is Not Great." Well, let me tell you I've been a tad disilusioned lately and more than a little upset, but that guy is a moron. This morning I headed to the hospital - still haven't slept past five in about six weeks. Whatever. I was down, real down, over the course of the last few days, so much so that people are starting to worry about me. Well, I'm fine, and you know why? Christopher Hitchins, do you have any ideas? Because I found comfort in my faith. When I arrived at Jeff's bedside his eyes were wide open. I talked to him about baseball, Bruce, and the family. We were in the room alone, all lights off, sharing the best we could. I told him that we were there for him, and that he was getting better every day. I smoothed things out, and made sure that he was comfortable. I held his hand and stroked his cheek and told him that I'm much better looki...

The Bruce line ripping through my head this week comes courtesy of Lucky Day - I've seen good hearts give way to the burdens of the day. Saw a story about an asteroid that missed the Earth by just 40,000 miles. They say that if it were to hit it would have been like a nuclear bomb going off in the South Pacific. Those in the know never saw it coming either, and they are still concerned because it is still being pulled towards us by the gravitational pull of the Earth. First off, how the hell did it miss? With everything else going on, what the hell is one more asteroid plummeting to the Earth. I say bring the son-of-a-bitch on - send it straight into Wall Street and the sinking Dow Jones. Or let it hit Rush Limbaugh and bounce back to the heavens. Seriously, isn't there enough to worry about. The economy, I'm told, will recover in 2012. Just tread water until then. The war in Iraq will conclude in 2010. That's about eight years later than it should have been. And now we...

I recall a day about thirty-five years ago when my father and mother placed a bowl of peas in front of me. My reaction to peas was almost sub-human. I could not eat them, I would not eat them, not on a boat, not with a goat - you get the idea. Guess what? "You aren't moving until they're all gone," my father announced. So, there I sat, torturing myself by trying to eat one pea at a time, holding my nose closed tight as I did so. I think I was even busted for trying to hide a few under my plate. They smash easily enough, but they are also simply discovered. My mother was solidly in my father's corner on this one too, so I had little help there. The minutes ticked away. The peas got cold which made them even more tempting. My siblings were running free, popping back in the room every now and then to see how I was making out with my stand against the establishment. Pea after miserable pea, I worked my spoon. Finally, growing frustrated with the idea of sitting there ...