Clooney Is Off the Market

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I really could give two shits about a celebrity wedding, but when one of them does get married it's sort of difficult to miss the news of it.

I saw Clooney in a speedboat racing to the church. Everyone looked so happy. All the big stars were there.

Of course, Clooney and I have a lot in common.

1). Neither one of us was ever going to get married.

Yet we ran into the most beautiful women in the world and then what can you do?

2). Neither one of us wanted a traditional wedding.

Clooney got married in Venice.

I got married in left field at the North Collins Town Park.

3). Clooney had Bono in attendance.

I had Pops.

And of course...the biggest of all similarities:

4). We both crushed the hearts of all the other women in the world who were now plumb out of luck.

It's sad, really.

But it's also kinda' funny because we really do identify with celebrities in this country. When one of them gets married we have a moment where we go:

"Oh, crap. She isn't gonna' marry me!"

I still think there's a chance with Claire Danes.

Everything would have to really break right, of course as we are both married, but perhaps somewhere down the line, someway she will finally accept the fact that she can't do without the bald, husky, broken-down man of her dreams.

Ah, hell...she's no Kathy Fazzolari.

But yeah.

Clooney is now a married man.

I'm sure we'll hear about the honeymoon.

Entertainment tonight will show us the photos.

And then...

And then...

We'll start hearing about the rumors of the forthcoming divorce.

May Clooney find happiness.

We're a lot alike.

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