What to do? What to do?

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There's no mistaking the fact that I've been at a crossroads for a long time now, trying to figure out which direction I'd like to run off in. I've done the lions share of the work on the next book, and have been sort of holding off jumping into the one after that, sure that I don't want to go through it again.

Yet the thing is: a department head with the local police asked if I would help tell the story about officers who lost their lives in the line of duty - it would be a sort of House of Miracles type non-fiction book that could really help the families of the victims. Right in the wheelhouse so to speak, and a story that could really get me moving forward again.

But the work involved! Do I really want to work more again?

I've had a job since I was 14. Started on a farm, graduated to a grocery store, spent four years at drink camp at Gannon University, got a job, and have not had a longer than 5 day stretch off since, fitting in the ten books in between. (Not to mention my time in the NBA and in Viet Nam).

I realized that I've been blessed to have such opportuntites in my life, but lately there's been a lot of looking around, thinking, 'Man, what the hell happened?'

I'm 45 and despite my Olympic-like care of my body, I'm tired. The back aches, there's shoulder pain, I sleep like I never learned how to master that, and the 'What's next?' doesn't seem that much of a burning question.

Yet I also look at my kids and realize that it will be different for them. They most likely will not work as a mason helper, or a carpenters helper. They probably won't pour concrete, or dig a ditch. 'Cause things are just different now. They don't want to do that.

Yet the longer I shuffle my feet about jumping into the next thing the more I feel that uncomfortable pang that I'm just being lazy. Never wanted to just be lazy. Always wanted to do a little more.

But I'm tired.

The other morning I headed down for coffee to see Matt wrapped in his snuggie, sipping a coffee, and watching SportsCenter. I used one of Jeff's lines on him:

"You know, you're going to make something of yourself someday when you get rid of those bed sores."

Now I have no complaints at all with my kids - they get the job done - it just takes time to point them in the direction of the job.

"And you're going to make something of yourself when you learn how to relax a little," Matt said.

He pulled his blue snuggie tighter, and turned his attention back to watching other people do things.

Why do I still think that we won't be switching places anytime soon?

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