So You Wanna' Be Tom Cruise?

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I’m thinking old Tommy Boy ain’t real stable.

Let’s backtrack, huh?

His first wife said that she had enough of him because he wanted to be celibate for his religion.

I can’t imagine what my beautiful wife might say if I told her that. I’m sure that I’d be pursuing my life as a monk, on my own.

“You don’t want to have sex?” My wife would say.

“What in the hell am I going to do with those three extra minutes every week?”

But there was still hope for Tom because he hooked up with a real power chick, Nicole Kidman.

Things didn’t go very well there, either, despite the fact that he must have wanted to give up his monk-chasing at least on the wedding night, right?

There were more moments of craziness as Tom talked of being a high priest or other such nonsense and since he was never hanging around with Nicole for photos, people started to whisper.

I don’t blame him for not wanting to be photographed next to her as she’s about a foot and a half taller, but Tom was back in the news just a few years after their expected divorce when he got taller by jumping on Oprah’s couch.

He was sooooooooooo in love, with Katie Holmes.

Now those of us who wanted to date Katie Holmes if something ever happened to our beautiful wives, God rest their souls, were a little disappointed with the whole deal.

Tom Cruise had it all. Money, fame, fortune, sex symbol and Katie Holmes.

It wasn’t fair!

Then the kid came along, and all the rumors seemed to be untrue. There was very little talk of flying aliens, or rumors of him of being gay.

He did get into a famous argument with Brooke Shields about something lame, but we were all sure that his love was true.

TomKat and Suri.

Happily ever after.

Uh, nope!

Just when we were sure that he was cool and we weren’t, Katie gave him the heave-ho, and all the weird crap came floating to the top.

He was actually better off dancing in his underwear to the Bob Seger song just before he opened the prostitution ring in Risky Business than he is now.

Where does Tom go from here?

Will he marry Travolta in a Scientology High Priest wedding officiated by a massage therapist?

Will he try and find love once again?

Perhaps this time he can marry Oprah.

Will we ever truly know if he’s quite as weird as he seems to be?

So many questions, but I have arrived at one answer:

I don’t wanna’ be Tom Cruise.

Not even for three minutes minutes.

Comments

deafjeff said…
I want to be Tom just long enough to get the money out of the bank in cash. Then we can golf. I'll pay someone to hold you up long enough to swing.
11 July, 2012
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