What Can Be Said?

Years ago, I was asked to speak in Vegas by a work colleague, Jon, who was convinced that I would entertain a crowd of safety professionals.

We were two different kinds of safety professionals - he taught classes at a major university, and I did a bit of standup as I taught the classes.

When we met, my boss called me into his office and said, “Don’t bust this guy’s balls. He’s an intellectual. You have to pull it back a little.”

I never did and it didn’t take long to bring, Jon, stuffy intellectual to the dark side.

We became fast friends and I definitely busted his balls.

Jon retired a few years back, but every few months, we texted just to catch up a little bit.

This week, he texted me.

“Hey buddy, I don’t even know how to tell you this. My wife had a fatal heart attack. 42 years. I’m adrift.”

What does one say - in a text - to such a message?

“Oh Good Lord,” was my immediate response. “I’m so sorry.”

There wasn’t much more to add to that additional text. I needed to give him the space to let me know if he wanted to talk about it a little more.

I didn’t want to press him. 

Loss is a huge, horrible journey, and all I could do was let him know that he still had a friend when he needed one.

We exchanged a few more messages. Jon noted that he had zero idea how to even talk about it yet, and I expressed that I was also at a loss.

“How do I live brokenhearted?” He asked.

A truly haunting question, but I tried.

“One mundane thing at a time,” I answered. “Give yourself a list of things to do. Work the list. Walk the dogs. Read a book, write a paper. Nothing seems all that important, but do some trivial things. An hour at a time.”

The little dots blinked back at me to let me know that Jon was thinking about composing a text…

…a few minutes passed and then he wrote:

“Thank you. I need to try. I will call you. Soon. I still can’t talk about it, but I do promise I will try.”

I checked in on him the next day, thought about him for hours and hours after that.

Decades of togetherness.

One minute you’re here.

“I’m going to need you to bust my balls soon,” Jon said. “I’m gonna’ really need that.”

I promise to do that for him.