Thoughts of a Common Man

The discussion usually started around ten in the morning if we were all home. "I wonder what Grandma is making for lunch." There was no thought to the fact that lunch wouldn't be an event. We didn't even consider that we might be interfering on their day. "Let's go." By 11:30 we'd be sitting in either the garage on nice summer days or on the couch across from Grandpa as Grandma ran around the kitchen making extra food. The aroma of garlic and olive oil just driving us crazy as Grandpa asked us about our lives, and sometimes told us where we were screwing them up. Right up until the very end Grandpa would have a shot before lunch. I'm not sure what he did, but Jim or John can probably fill in the details. The real event was the meal. There was usually pasta of some sort. We all had our favorites. Pasta and peas, or macaroni and beans. Sometimes marinara. Every once in awhile left over sauce from Sunday. The meat, the bread. Oh ...

I still shouldn't be playing golf. By the end of the round it was rough to hit my shot and then sit in the cart to go to the next shot. The good news, it's not swinging the club that bothers me. The pain caused by sitting down is the problem. And by the end of the round it was mentioned: "I always wondered what it'd be like to golf when we were 70 years old. Now I know." And it occurs to me that my hip is pretty much shot. But you know what? I still want to golf regularly this year. I hit the ball well. Straight down the middle most of the time. I clobbered some fairway woods. Of course I putted and chipped like a mentally deficient monkey, but that's almost to be expected. And speaking of monkeys. The Apes were in fine form. King Ape won by 9 strokes. He stayed mostly out of trouble all day. There were only a couple of moments of true despair on anyone's part, and it got to where I just knew I wasn't going to miss-hit anything....

The return trip from Nebraska was an absolute nightmare. I was on the tiny plane from Omaha to Chicago scrunched in between two guys who were a little husky (they are probably writing their blogs talking about the husky guy in the middle), and I didn't say a word to either one of them. As the plane landed I sent a text to my beautiful wife: "No big insurance check, so far, landed in Chicago." I got a notice that I had 72 freaking emails and clicked on just one: FLIGHT DELAY NOTICE They were advising me that my flight from Chicago to Buffalo would be delayed because, get this: THEY DIDN'T HAVE A FREAKING PLANE!!!! So I would have plenty of time to wander around, sit on a hard chair, look for Bulls gear for Sam, who loves them for some reason, and: EAT I started my wait with a salami panini sandwich with pepperjack cheese. It was a small sandwich. All for just $9.95. I added a bag of warm nuts (go for it, Pops). My wife answered my text: ...

Reasons for Sensitivity Training for Men: * I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning! * The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She's 25, and her name's Cindy. * Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my wife is 24 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary. * My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's three schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether." * The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries. * A man calls 911 and says "I think...

I spent the first three days of the week traveling to Omaha, Nebraska, working in Omaha, Nebraska and then traveling back from Omaha, Nebraska. It's not as glamorous as it sounds. Flying in was weird as the plane broke the clouds and the outline of life below was there for review. It always looks weird from up high, and especially in Nebraska. There seems to be miles and miles and miles and miles of endless nothing. A house, a barn, a field, the roads like little lines, and miles and miles before the setup is repeated again. I always try to think about the people that live in those houses and the way they spend their days. I was in the middle of imagining their lives when the guy seated next to me peered over my shoulder and said: "Not much going on, huh?" "Looks peaceful from here," I said. And after last week it was nice to think of peaceful a little. The photo that leads the blog is a typical view of Nebraska. There are a lot of strip malls....

So Reese Witherspoon joins the Thoughts of a Common Man dipshit list. She's making a movie in Atlanta. No doubt it's one of those 'poor-homely-Reese-can't get laid' gems that my beautiful wife will make me sit through for two hours as it ends with Reese falling helplessly in love and living happily ever after. But In Real Life: (one of my very undersold books) Reese and her hubby went out for a few drinks (allegedly). He was allegedly a bit tipsy behind the alleged wheel and the cops stopped them. As hubby was being put through the paces Reese got a little impatient. She got out of the car and was told to get back in. She did, but she got back out of the alleged car again and allegedly got to screaming. Sounds like a real picnic. She had one question for the cops. It's a question that certainly lands you on the dipshit list: "Do you know who I am?" Evidently the cops didn't care. She was brought in right behind her allegedly dru...

So we caught the movie Parental Guidance with Billy Crystal, Bette Midler and one of the women who's always looked good to me - Marisa Torme. It was way better than the usual romantic comedy crap I'm normally fed. Anywhoha... I've always liked Billy Crystal, and he's a big fan of baseball in general and the 27-Time World Champion Greatest Franchise in the History of Organized Sports, the New York Yankees, in specific. There was some baseball in the movie, but it was more about family. And old generation versus the new generation. One of the reasons I liked it is because it got me thinking about the future a little, and spending time with grand kids someday. Isn't that weird? Yet my buddy Jeff just became a grandpa so maybe someday, right? Not sure my hoodlums got it in 'em and I'm hoping it's a ways off in the distance, but the movie started with Billy Crystal sort of being the reluctant grandpa. "That's gonna' be me,"...