Thoughts of a Common Man

WEEI sports host Alex Reimer is suspended. He’s a sports host in Boston and the other day he called Tom Brady’s 5-year-old daughter, an annoying little pissant. Lo and behold, Tom was due to call in for an interview before leaving for Minneapolis for his 8th Super Bowl appearance. Careers aside, Brady had to be livid. He very calmly put an end to the interview and referencing the remark about his kid, let the hosts know that he may not appear on the show again. One time, long ago, we were at a restaurant and a guy who was dining by himself told my children to “shut their mouths.” I have never, in my life, been angrier. I took a bit of the high road when I asked the man to just finish his meal and not talk to my boys (who were all 5 or less at the time). “Someone has to discipline them,” the guy said. I took less of the high road after that. “You say one more word and I’m going to smash your face into your lasagna.” The waitress stopped by before I could get up, or

I had a plan for the day. (I always have a plan for the day). My day is usually all laid out in my mind, and most days I get pretty close. Monday of the week is usually important too because that’s when my legs fee the best, so I like to cover some ground. “No Sim Card Installed.” That was the message on my phone. When the SIM card is not installed, nothing works! No texts, no emails, no phone calls. I can’t function! “Reset your network settings,” Jake said, one day when it happened when we were all together. I tried that. “No Sim Card Installed.” Damn! “Turn it on and off,” Sam said. I tried that. Nothing, nada, no way! I was heading down Transit Road. I saw the Verizon store from about a mile away. Signed in and believed that by the time I left I’d be about $800 in the hole. You can’t walk into that joint without getting a new phone and a contract. “It’s either just that your SIM card is shot, or your phone is cooked. No charge to replace the SIM card

A bunch of people were busted for having bought Twitter followers. Why? It’s all about clicks and retweets and how many friends you have. What does that do for you?? It’s not like that you’re getting a nickel for every friend you have, right? Some days a lot of people read this blog... ...other days people don’t. I don’t care, and that doesn’t make me a dope. I shouldn’t care! No one should!! Have you ever had a conversation with anyone about how many people liked their tweet about their night out in Vegas. I do share things on social media, so I’m trying not to be a hypocrite here. I like to make people laugh. I try to put out words about the book (although I’m really not comfortable with self-promotion), it’s fun to tell a story... ...but if I found out that I had zero followers... ...I’d still do it. Justin Bieber is the league leader, right? And the Kardashians and Obama and Trump... ...all way up there in the millions, right? What does that get th

It appears that we have a massive rift in the presidential marriage. Donald is heading one way and Melania is going the other way. She went to Mar-A-Lago and hung out there until he was going that way on Air Force One... ...by the way, did you see that it is going to cost $24 million to replace the refrigerators on Air Force One? What the hell is a $24 million refrigerator about???? Get a cooler and some bags of ice. $24 million!!!! Anywhoha... ...there appears to be a major storm in the marriage. That's a shame too...didn't they always appear to be really close? And no one really knows what happens inside a marriage. I thought O.J. and Nicole were getting along well. Still, all married couples had the conversation, I assume, just as we all did after Clinton-Lewinsky. "Is sleeping with and then paying off a porn star frowned upon?" I asked my beautiful wife. She just glanced at me. "Even if you didn't find out about it for ten ye

We found a great show to watch... ...I’m not even sure what format it’s on. (In full disclosure I can barely turn the television on and there is hell to pay if the kids don’t make it so I can hit just one button in the morning). I knew the story of the Unabomber, of course. We were all gripped in that fear, but the show is expertly done... ...and I’m finding myself trapped in the idea that Ted Kacinsky became the man that he became. He was Harvard-educated...he began his academic career at 16... ...An IQ of 168. A mathematician who wrote a thesis that only a handful of the world’s most perfect minds could understand. Diseased by isolation. How do you go from brilliant to diseased? And, of course, he lived a life that was devoid of real love, and that will do it. We need to feel things. We need a little of the human touch. We need to take the dogs for a ride, laugh with a friend, relax. My beautiful wife often tells the story that had she not saved me I would’ve woun

Far be it of me to cast the first stone, but Tuesday night Evangelical leader, Tony Perkins, was making the rounds on the news shows to say that Trump received a mulligan for his affair with the porn star. Now, I may have missed that part of the religious instruction when I was in Catholic grammar school or attending a private college all based on Christian values. Are these people for real???? They jam their conservative judgemental garbage down people’s throats, not even pretending, to recognize the distinction between church and state, but when they get a chance to preach about a lost soul, they barf up forgiveness because: “That was before.” Has anyone heard the big orange guy beg for forgiveness? His preacher in office, Pence, said that “it’s baseless.” Yeah. If you ignore the magazine interview from 6 years ago, or the $130,000 in hush money, or the current “Make America Horny Again” bus tour going on. It really aggravated me! Perkins was tripping all over him

Two flying stories for your amusement... ...maybe. I went from Des Moines to Chicago on a tiny plane, but was looking forward to the second leg, from Chicago to Boston, because the plane is bigger and I had a window seat. I planned on sleeping. I got to my seat at 28 A and there was a middle-aged woman seated there. “You’re in my seat,” I said. “Here’s the thing,” she said. “My husband is here, and he’s very ill. Do you mind switching with me?” The old guy looked a little green. “I’m in 28 E,” she said. “A middle seat?” I asked. “Yeah, Sorry,” She crinkled her nose. It was a middle seat between two guys who looked a little like John Candy. What do you do???? She was begging me with her eyes. I nestled in between the two huge guys...there was about 1,100 pounds in row 28. Needless to say, sleep wasn’t coming. But I survived. Why did the nuns make me nice? Then, on the way out of Boston (Home of the AFC Champion Patriots), I was in line to go through sec

On Monday afternoon the faces responsible for the shutdown of the government got together and began congratulating each other for their bipartisan efforts to end the shutdown! How ridiculous is all of this??? They pick a fight and then celebrate the fact that they’re stopping the fight... ...and 3 weeks from now they’ll do it all again. Speaking of wanting to throw up... ...the Patriots qualified for the Super Bowl again. The world groaned. The team has its fans, of course, (me included) but when the Pats took the lead late in the game on Sunday the whining began. Don’t want them there? Beat them! I’m not sure it’s possible. I spent three straight days on airplanes again. A quirk in the schedule had me back on the road again immediately after the little New Mexico break... ...and I’m ready to shutdown the airline industry until there is a reasonable solution to the regulation of the temperature in the cabin. It’s cold outside. A little heat is appreciated.

There’s a movie out with Charlie Sheen and Whoopi Goldberg about 5 people caught in the North Tower when the planes hit on 9/11. It’s pretty good, despite the pain that recalling that horrific day brings. A bunch of thoughts: 1). Charlie Sheen is a train wreck but he is certainly a good actor. (Get that out of the way first). 2). There was footage of George W. Bush speaking for the country. I wasn’t a fan of his policies. Yet, as I watched I simply couldn’t fathom what might happen right now. What would the response of this government be? It’s a question I don’t ever want answered. 3). The main characters are trapped in an elevator. “Do you think it really happened?” Kathy asked. There are had to be hundreds of absolutely ridiculously horrific scenarios playing out all over the country. As we watched I considered every single moment of my experience all those miles away. “Never Forget” indeed. I felt the same empty, hollow feeling. 4). The movie did a good job of

Read an article over the weekend that was actually pro-swearing. Which is great f****ng news! The article stated that people learn to say the bad words really early on in their existence, and while they know it’s taboo to swear in certain settings... ...it’s actually good for them. Emotionally, physically, and intellectually. Here’s the thing. I never swear in front of my children or my Mom. I hardly ever swear at Home, at all... ...but I say an awful lot of swear words at work. I also write a lot of curse words for the characters in my books. I definitely swear when I’m telling funny stories. And I’ve never actually worried too much about it. Lately, unfortunately, it has entered my mind when I’m doing speeches. The article said that people who curse more are actually more honest. More intelligent too. We’ve always been taught the opposite, right? “People say bad words because their grasp of the English language is limited,” the nuns told us. F****ng li

Millions of women marched in city after city. There were two major hashtags on social media: #Schumershutdown #Trumpshutdown The government is out of money, and each side decided not to blink. Like children, they blamed each other. We had three boys. They’d argue back and forth. When we’d bust in to get it to stop we’d get the old: “It was him!” In most every case, the best idea was to separate them and ensure that each side was properly punished. There are two sides to every story and no one is ever 100% guilty. I spent a lot of Saturday just simply hiding posts. I didn’t want anyone’s opinion on the matter. I honestly don’t think it’ll honestly go on too long... ...they can’t steal money if they shut down the business... Sooner or later they’ll crank up the shit machine again. Mom and I were kicking around the particulars of Watergate and Nixon getting forced out. “I’ve never seen anything like this,” Mom said. “Everyone hates everyone now.” That about s

The man and woman - the Durbins- from California who starved their 13 children might be the most devastating of all of this week’s stories. And that’s saying a lot! The porn star payment! The government shut-down! Possible money-laundering for the Russian Mob! Tom Brady may have hurt his hand!! I couldn’t even read the story about the horrible couple... ...they deserve to spend the rest of their days in a cell. Hopefully all thirteen of their children get heavy therapy. But sadly, the Durbins don’t win the worst story of the week! For me, the father of two, who was deported was the most embarrassing, tragic and un-American story of the week. Dad was ripped away from his family because when he was just 9 years old his parents illegally snuck him over the boarder. For 30 years, the man built a life in America. Never once arrested. Worked every day. Fell in love, got married, had two children. The American Dream. The authorities came for him... ...rippe

It’s hard to believe that the story about the President of the United States paying hush money to a porn star that he had a year-long affair that began a few months after the birth of his youngest son... ...is hardly a story. We’ve come a long way, haven’t we? I am old enough to remember Dan Quayle being pretty much bounced because he couldn’t spell ‘potato.’ Howard Dean was hammered out of the race for a yell. Who was the guy on the yacht? Gary Hart? He got bounced so fast that I don’t even really remember him. Yet, the truest thing that Trump ever said was that he could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and his base would stick with him. “Thank God for President Trump,” one woman wrote in the comment section of the Donald-Stormy story. “God has chosen Trump as our leader and he is in charge of where we are heading together as a nation. God Bless this man!!” I laughed. People believe what they want to believe when it makes no sense at all. Of course, there was some

I was kind of fired up to get back to work, but as Mike Tyson once famously said: "Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face." Ten degrees and blowing snow. "This sucks," I screamed out at just a little after seven o'clock. I had been outside in shorts just 36 hours before. "Why do we live here?" I asked Melky and Paris as we gathered for our first ride together in a long while. I had a heavy coat on, long underwear too. Still, first job was blowing snow hard and the walk was very icy. I was shuffling my steps and felt a little like Tim Conway when he used to do that little walk on the Carol Burnett Show. (God, I'm old - that's an old reference). Everything is slower in the cold weather. Traffic moves slowly... ...we're all waiting for the weather to announce how much snow we might be getting. I complained about it to the first group I saw. "It's going to be close to 50 by Saturday," th

We were in the airport leaving New Mexico when it seemed to dawn on both me and my beautiful wife that we’d had just about enough of one another. “Got any cash on you?” She asked as she stood in front of the guy selling pretzels “You haven’t spent ten bucks on this trip,” I said, as I handed her enough for the pretzel bites. “You know,” she said, “when we get home we need to go our separate ways for a few days. I’ve spent all but ten minutes with you over the last 5 days. That’s enough.” She took the money though. The main problem that she had with me was that every few minutes I would ask: “Whatcha’ doing?” (That got on her nerves after the 50th time). Also, every time we passed a sign for Los Cruces, I recalled the dialogue from the old sitcom, “Wings” and said: “I don’t live in Los Cruces.” (That got old too, I guess). Yet, it was good to be home. On the morning that we left Melky had a bit of an episode. She could barely move, didn’t even want to pick up her

We decided to catch a movie in the room on Sunday night. “Come with me to have a cigarette,” Kathy said. She’d made the trek on her own plenty of times, but I decided to get some air. Why not? Ten minutes later we were back in the hall in front of our closed door. I put the card in and it flashed green, but when I tried the handle, the lock didn’t budge. We tried that particular maneuver about 30 more times. Arrived at the desk. The disinterested clerk explained that I should wiggle the handle up. Back to the room...tried it 30 more times. 20 minutes later, Kathy arrived with keys to another room. “That doesn’t work!” I growled. I had none of my things! I have routines to follow!! I returned to the desk. “We haven’t been able to reach maintenance,” she said. “This isn’t my problem,” I reminded her. “It’s a billion dollar company. Get the door open!” An hour later, midnight now, she was in the hallway trying the same maneuver with 5 different keys. “What ca

So, hanging around Albuquerque, New Mexico and we just had to go looking around for the Breaking Bad sites. We started with Walter White’s house, of course, and the address was in the GPS early enough. It was 12 minutes from our hotel, and I made every turn. We were smiling when we saw it. There was a woman waking around in front of the place. The only difference was the black iron fence in front of the place. I parked a few houses away and we took in the section of the roof where the pizza landed. I got out of the car and raised my phone, taking in the sign that read, “Take your photos and don’t bother us.” I didn’t intend on bothering her. “It’s just a house,” she growled. “We wanted to see it,” I said. “Good for you,” she answered. I took two quick photos and headed back to the car. We then parked on the side street where Mike parked to keep an eye on Hank. Not gonna’ lie. It was cool. We headed to the car wash. That was even better. The people were nice, we

Someone posted a photo of a newspaper clipping that detailed the battle between the mobs from the movie ‘Johnny Dangerously.’ I laughed. “You fargin iceholes!” Immediately entered my mind, and then (as my sister Carrie pointed out) I could hear my father’s booming laugh. He loved that movie! When it came out, we watched it every weekend for a month. “Come on, watch ‘Johnny Dangerously’ with me.” And we all did! I can still see that packed living room, roaring with laughter every time “Fargin Coke suckers,” was mentioned. I wonder how the movie did overall. I imagine the critics hated it. I never hear it mentioned in any of the classic comedies, but much like ‘Norbit’ it’s one of my favorites. We all need to laugh again. Set aside the fake hurt... ...stop worrying about who feels cheated... ...and just laugh. I’m going to watch that movie with my boys. It has to be out there somewhere. We like to laugh... ...and I want to pass some of those laughs dow

It’s been a week since the Fire & Fury Book came out! A week! It’s old news already. Bannon has been kicked to the curb. Trump denied that he was a temperamental little baby who hadn’t been linked to the Russian Mob. Then he said “No Collusion” 10 times in a 40 word answer. Then he would interview with Mueller because he’s totally innocent and the next day said he wouldn’t grant an interview because he’s totally innocent. Bannon flipped. Then he had a meeting with everyone in an effort to show that he’s not crazy. He wanted an immigration bill that was “filled with love.” Then he called African nations shithole countries and bashed Haiti and El Salvador, wondering why we couldn’t get immigrants from Norway. The next morning he admitted it and then denied it and then seemed to shrug it off. Then the porn star story broke. “What can go wrong?” Someone argued with me during the past election. Racist comments, Russian mob, porn stars, shitholes, possible treas

Book writing is a funny business. I learned a long time ago to write about what I wanted to write about, and The Big D came at a weird time. I felt it when Prince died. I’m not sure why. Perhaps because he was young and he was a star when I was growing up. It felt like people my age kinda’ knew him. I had also just finished reading the book “Bucky F***ing Dent” by David Duchovny. In that book, (which was really good) there was a relationship between a father and a son. A complicated relationship. I kinda’ stole that idea. Then, I heard a Carpenters song on my I-pod. Another idea. And Iowa was the perfect place to set the story. I was driving through it when the ideas started flying around the inside of the rental car. I had to pull over to grab my black notebook and I kind of left the real world for a little while as I thought about the lives of people I wanted to create, and for the first time, I wrote a lot of the book into the notes on my phone. In airports, on air

I’ve never watched the Oscars or the Golden Globes or the Grammys or any other of the award shows that are scattered throughout the year. I do follow the results because you just can’t miss hearing the speeches, but I hate the self-importance  of it all... ...and in full disclosure I did attend 3 or 4 Book Awards Shows, and I even appeared on a couple writer panels. (I’d started writing this...saw an email alert and found out that The Big D won first place in the Fiction Category at the New England Book Festival - more on that later - I’ll probably go to the Awards Show!) Back to the original idea: I did attend shows...  ...Part of the reason for that was that I had something to say. I spoke of Jeff’s life and to hear people laugh at his antics was necessary. I also spoke about The Woman and Children’s Hospital of Buffalo because I owed them. Yet, I was on one panel in New York and one of the other writers seated right next to me started talking about his “process”. And

It’s been a horrible week for Steve Bannon. He was the star witness in the Fire & Fury book that threw shade at his former partner, Trump. Trump then dubbed him Sloppy Steve in a tweet... ...then he Sloppy Steve tried to apologize, got fired from Breitbart, than lost his radio gig. Sloppy Steve may end up homeless... ...he’s dressed for it. In my effort to stay clear of politics let’s just dwell on the fact that Sloppy Steve has a wardrobe problem... ...and that’s coming from me! There have been times when I’ve tried to dress better. Believe it or not, I was once required to wear a tie to work each day. I hated it. I never learned how to tie a tie. I had a few button ties and I also had a coworker who liked to tie ties. I got him to tie about 15 of them. He’s been dead for 22 years, but he lives on... ...I still have those ties, tied, with the knots he tied in them... ...I just slide one over my head if I need to wear one. My sister Corinne summed up m

I’ve had a long, complicated relationship with Oprah. Through the years I’ve alternated between admiring her and not really caring much for her. Of course, she’s had an absolutely amazing career and has done a marvelous job of building her brand, but it has always driven me crazy that she’s considered the queen of everything! She reads a book and mentions it, it’s a best seller. She also speaks in a pronounced, authoritative voice that has always driven me nuts, as if she’s the wisest of the wise. So, that’s my problem. She’s got a good heart. That’s not in dispute, and she’s a talented talk show host. The next president??? I heard clips of her speech all day on Monday. She pronounced every single syllable. She knew it was an important speech that would be well-received by a group of people who are the most self-righteous and self-congratulatory people in the land. Yet, with all that being said... ...I think that she just might run. A couple of years ago I would

The game was nearing a conclusion after the Bills backup QB, Nate Peterman, threw a ball that looked like it was picked off to finish the season. Yet, did the ball move in the guy’s hand? Did it touch the ground Did he control it all the way? I could see the hole in the eyes of two of my boys. They’d waited 17 years. “How the hell do I know?” I asked. “I don’t know what a catch is.” It’s been 265 months, and counting, since the Buffalo Bills won a playoff game. “The call on the field stands,” the ref announced. “Bullshit!” Sam called out. And just like that it was over. They didn’t score a T.D. They won’t have a chance to beat New England next week. The boys retreated to their rooms. A half an hour later, Sam emerged. “They’ll go back to the playoffs quicker this time.” If they wait another 17 years I’ll be in my 70’s. Maybe by then they’ll have the catch rule figured out by then. “Who we rooting for now?” I asked. “Anyone but Brady,” Sam answered. “

Was about 2 on Saturday. So cold. It just runs right through you, but I didn’t have any grand plans anyway. Made Saturday dinner. Got the sauce started for Sunday following the Bills game. The boys are convinced that it’s the first of 4 playoff wins coming before the parade down Delaware Avenue. It got me thinking about big dreams, and knowing that, against all odds, they have a chance. As Jake entered the room for the first time on Saturday I figured that we’d talk about their chances “Hey, did you hear that Trump is like really smart? He’s a genius,” Jake said. I laughed. “Can you imagine writing that sentence?” He asked. “I’m like real smart.’ Wow.” It certainly was a strange thing to send out to millions of people. No matter how much money, or how much status or what job you get... ...you still need validation. Very odd. I killed the sauce last week. “This is Dad-like,” Kathy said, as she ate it. Carrie and John and Mom also ate it so it was the perfect ti

They got to me. Knowing that it would be 1 degree out, and basically bored with the book I’ve been reading, I fell for the hype and picked up the Fire & Fury book about the Trump presidency. It made me sad. Mostly it saddened me because in the days leading up to the election I was fairly vocal about the idea that Trump was not suited for the job. I couldn’t fathom that it might happen, knowing all I knew about the years gone by and all the chaos of his New York days. Yet, people bought the con. And here we are. All the same old complaints about the unsteadiness, the nastiness, the mental instability, and the fact that he doesn’t actually care for any of the desperate people that he said he cared about. I was also sad because all the things that people seem to think happened in regard to Russia, most likely did happen. I don’t know the way through that. We’ve traveled a year in the dialogue from “I don’t have any deals with Russia” to “it was a meeting about adopti

I’ve been a tad embarrassed in the past as I’ve viewed clips of Bills fans, all overly medicated, lighting themselves on fire and jumping onto card tables. That’s always seemed absolutely crazy to me! I’m a Safety guy... ...I know the elements of a fall. Yet, there’s a slightly better than even chance that I might’ve tried it back in the Super Bowl Days. (Probably not. I’m a little chicken-hearted). Yet, the Bills Mafia is real. Since Sunday, Bills fans have donated $17 at a time to Andy Dalton’s charity... ...to the time of $250,000! Another $40 grand or so has been sent to the receiver, Tyler Boyd’s charity. That’s astounding! A few years back, one of their own, Daryle Talley, from those Bowl years, fell on hard times. The Mafia sent him donations so that he could get back on his feet. And you see the crazed Bills fan every single week. Shirts off, faces painted, running outside in the blistering cold in shorts. (And that’s just around my house). I get i

I was walking in downtown Buffalo and I felt pretty good about how I was dressed to handle the two-block jaunt. Long underwear, compression socks and heavy wool socks with work boots. A heavy pair of jeans, a hoodie over a shirt and under a Carhartt. The hood was up and over my hardhat. Two pairs of gloves. The walk to the site was okay, but I was with the wind. On the way back to the car, though, as I tried to battle the wind... ...my freaking huge forehead got so cold that I thought it might just explode. “****, ****, ****!” I cried out. (Same word 3 times). If you’ve walked against that wind, you know the word. And it’s supposed to get colder! 1 Degree is the projected high for Friday. One! Why bother??? Are we supposed to know that it’s not actually zero? “I wasn’t going to go to work today because they said it was going to be zero, but when I heard it was actually going to be one, well, that’s a different story! I can handle one!” And it’s gotta’ get bett

Did you hear about the flight from L.A. to Tokyo that had to turn around? Seems there was a guy on the flight who didn’t want to go. Evidently he got on the wrong plane! I have questions. 1). How the hell was that not caught before they were in the air? I travel and there’s seems to me to be a boarding pass system that I thought worked. You hand it to the guy or gal (unless you try and scan your phone - which takes 6 minutes) and they run it, the machine beeps and off you go. Did this guy skip that? 2). Why didn’t they just keep going and make that guy fly home? It’s like the old joke. You run halfway and then turn around and run the same distance in the opposite direction because you didn’t think you’d make it. There were 150 people on the flight. How popular do you think that one guy was? Did they hand out two bags with four peanuts instead of one? (My least favorite moment is drink time. If I’m in the aisle I get hit with the cart 11 times. If I’m trying to sleep

01/08/00 was the date of the Buffalo Bills last playoff game. It’s remarkable, actually. Bill Clinton was president. Alley McBeal was a hugely popular television show. Everybody Loves Raymond too. My boys were six, three and newborn. Rob Johnson was the Bills starting QB that day and Doug Flutie was the guy who probably should’ve started that game. Regardless, they took the lead late in the game... ...just had to kick the ball off and tackle the runner. They didn’t. It was close to an illegal play, but in a foreshadowing of things to come, the game was decided by the refs. A lot of people thought that the Bills could’ve made some noise that year... ...whatever... ...They’ll be back!!! Almost 18 years to the day and the Bills will play the Jags. If the pattern somehow holds, they’ll play their next playoff game in 2036. I’ll be 71. That’s not possible, right? Lenny Kravitz was topping the charts back in 1999. The Simpsons was a new show. Donald Trump

2018 has arrived. And holy crap. The Buffalo Bills have qualified for the NFL playoffs. How weird is that? They needed a win on Sunday and they also needed help from the Bengals. Yeah, those Bengals. And it happened. My boys were so fired up all week. I tried to caution them because it had happened the same way seemingly every year. And it didn’t look good. The Bills were only up 6 and Miami was driving. They got a pick. But then the hard part... ...the Ravens were winning. Bengals had 2 minutes to go 50 yards. “No chance,” my brother said. “Yeah, not looking good.” And that’s what 17 years without playoffs will do for you. But the Bengals came through, and then all hell broke loose as social media exploded, and my phone blew up. You see, I’ve aggravated a lot of people through the years as I made fun of the futility. Now they’re in. That’s the thing: Now they have a chance. They get the Jags on the road, and will be big underdogs, but they c