Thoughts of a Common Man

I think that every set of parents, back to the stone ages, has uttered the following phrase: "These kids are eating us out of house and home." We're in a real tough position here at Camp Clifford because our hoodlums are really filling their fat freaking faces these days. The whining started on Saturday night. "There's nothing to eat around here." Never mind that we have to hustle and tag-team to figure out something interesting to feed them every night because they expect a hot meal at dinner. I know, I know...we should be making them dinner, but it sort of frosts your ass when you plan to cook something and they are putting chicken fingers in the microwave an hour before they expect us to serve them. (I love that phrase: frosts my ass). "What are you doing?" I asked the middle sized hoodlum as he bumped into me to get his appetizer out of the microwave - as I was starting on his dinner! "Just having a snack before we eat,...

Beat It Who knew that Michael Jackson was the normal one? Have you read any of the news coming out of the Jackson camp during the past week? Supposedly the mother went missing, and lost custody of The King of Pop’s children. Evidently there was a screaming match between Janet and Prince or Blanket or Comforter, or whatever the hell they call him. There are a number of items to comment on here. First of all, can you imagine Janet Jackson shouting? I haven’t heard her speak or even sing in anything more than a whisper. She didn’t even raise her voice when she was addressing what happened when we all saw her nip during the Super Bowl. Secondly, what do we make of Grandma’s disappearance? Was she sick? Was she hiding from Joe? Was the money just too tight? Those poor kids. Ever since Michael gassed himself in an effort to get some rest they have had to struggle by on $70,000 a month and a couple of billion in the bank in the form of the Beatles catalogue. Can you imag...

How much beauty do you think you'd find at a kickball game on a dark summer day where rain is threatening? Well, when you're in North Collins, New York, every year at the end of the July, there's beauty as far as the eye can see. It's there in the older folk who are trying to kick a ball and run down to first base without falling on their face. It's there in every dropped ball and every sip of Miller High Life. You see, kickball is the game favored at the memorial benefit for a great friend of many. Cathy George passed away at a young age. Her friends and loved ones are having a hard time letting her go. And that's a good thing! A beautiful thing, actually. I headed to the tournament this year, not as a player, but as a friend. I wanted to be let in on some of that wonderful grace. Of course, Cathy was a friend to everyone in town. Of course, her brother, mother and father are legendary friends to us all, but there's even more that brings us al...

A house literally exploded in a little town not far from Buffalo. A propane leak was the culprit. It happened on a night when two of the children in the family were staying elsewhere but there were too many family members home regardless. A young girl was killed in the explosion. It's a wonder they all weren't. "Isn't that awful?" the woman ahead of me in line said as she watched my eyes dance across the horrible words. I sort of grunted in affirmation. Of course it was horrible. What did she expect me to say? That I actually thought it was sort of cute? "They go to bed and boom, they wake up in the street. You tell me that there's a God." I laughed. "God doesn't cause propane leaks," I said. The woman answered me, but I was sort of done listening to her. I was too busy imagining God in a long white gown sneaking into that house through a window, opening up the valve that controls the level of propane. Our little enc...

So you fired up about the Olympics? Me neither. Have you read about that actress that cheated on her boyfriend by making out in a car with the guy who directed the movie? Must be an a ton of fun to be totally ashamed in front of the entire country. He's better off. Paterno's statue came down, huh? I honestly felt real bad for his kids who are out there trying to salvage the respect that his father built through the years. I believe that's a lost cause. Helluva' lesson in there. All the good you do is quickly forgotten when you spend years being dumb. He was way too egotistical to be a legend. Never mind a statue. Jesus deserved a statue. He didn't get it. They hung him instead. Yet the news that I was most drawn to this week was the New Yorker article about Bruce Springsteen. It's a great, great article. I know most of the story, of course. Bruce's Dad suffered from depression, and he made Bruce's early life a living hell. Bruc...

Man, when the kids are born we hold them in our arms and our mind really sorts through the possibilities, right? I can have a left-handed relief specialist sitting here. Our children are born free into a wonderful (by most accounts) country. The possibilities are endless. I hope he invites me to the Nobel Prize party when he wins it. I don't know when that sort of starts to get away from us. Perhaps it's when they are tossed from their first kindergarten class for calling their teacher, at a Catholic school, mind you, "One ugly m-fer," because they saw the Alien movie with Arnold the maid-doer. What do you want to be when you get out of school? Jake now has a pat answer. "A janitor." And I suppose that they will eventually find their way. There isn't a relief pitcher in the bunch. We can also cross off astronaut, professional wrestler, police chief, football star, basketball star, and the 51st president of the United States. And that...

I don't know why, but today I had a Beach Boys lyric in my head. I don't listen to the Beach Boys much. I don't have them on my I-pod. I probably haven't heard this song in twenty years. Well she got her daddy's car And she cruised through the hamburger stand now Seems she forgot all about the library Like she told her old man now And with the radio blasting Goes cruising just as fast as she can now And she'll have fun fun fun Til her daddy takes the t-bird away (Fun fun fun til her daddy takes the t-bird away) The reason why that song was in my head? I spent the other night watching The Honeymooners . Ralph pretended he was sick so he didn't have to visit Alice's mother. He went bowling instead and hurt his back. Laughter ensued when he got busted as he was prone to do. The best line in the show was this exchange: Ralph: Come on, you know I don't like to just eat and run. Alice: Given the way you eat it's a wonder you can walk...